Haunted by an old flame

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you meet a kindred spirit and can’t let go of the idea of what if. You just fall head over heels in love.

But it didn’t work out, couldn’t occur for whatever reason. It’s not healthy to live in la la land. You need to come back to reality and find actual humans to have present day relationships with.

Pining over someone not available for decades screams you are emotionally detached - you pursue impossible scenarios as a guard to letting anyone ever get that close to the real you. Abandonment issues. You fear rejection like the plague.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-3 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-3 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

OP here. Thanks to both of you for sharing. It does help to know I'm not the only one.

To the PP above, I am not living in la la land. I have a wonderful relationship with DH who is the best man I've ever met. I'm lucky, and present, and we have a strong marriage. There is no pining. It's more like I dream about him randomly and not infrequently and that dream carries over for a day or two so that he's in my thoughts. Every time I wake up annoyed and frustrated and say to myself "wtf stop dreaming about him!" I am not pursuing anything with someone I no longer know, who from what I can tell, I have very little in common with. I'm just so tired of it.

[Anonymous]

I used to ruminate about old flames. Diagnosed dep/anx on prozac--- legitimately never cross my mind anymore.

[Anonymous]

I infrequently kept in touch with a best friend from HS. He always emailed me on my birthday and I'd send a sweet reply. I didn't think of him ever in an intimate way. Until I did...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-3 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

NP here. It's the sex. For me anyway. Very analogous to porn is for men. A biological holdover from early humanity when people could get new sex partners throughout their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to ruminate about old flames. Diagnosed dep/anx on prozac--- legitimately never cross my mind anymore.

Interesting -I do this too! Am starting medication from other reasons - it didn't occur to me this could also be connected -but wonder - does the OCD component drive it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i feel sorry for your DH or current partner (assuming you're married or in a LTR). All that head space devoted to a guy and not focused on what you actually have.

That is a no. At least not by DCUM standard which will tell you that every single husband watches tons of porn.. so technically, they are also are in different "head space altogether devoted to someone else entirely.

I think about my wife when I watch porn. Frequently when porn is on, it is more the audio that I get into.

Audio porn is evidently a thing!

https://nypost.com/2019/11/20/podcast-porn-is-on-the-rise-and-revealing-strange-new-kinks/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-33 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

Interesting I could have also wrote this! My husband and I never ever argue. Our relationship is strong, stable, and comfortable. I have never had the intense passion I felt with old flame, but my husband was leaps and bounds the better long term partner, friend, and father.

[Anonymous]

amazing, if any husband has come here to say the same thing do you think there would be commiseration from so many others or would the mob be out to castrate him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:amazing, if any husband has come here to say the same thing do you think there would be commiseration from so many others or would the mob be out to castrate him?

Confused. OP seems to say she has intrusive dreams and thoughts about someone from her past who she admits she probably wouldn’t get along with now. She wants them to stop. She’s emphasized how great she thinks her DH is. What’s the problem? She’s not lining away, not planning an affair. You’re trolling to turn this into some misogynistic debate. I personally think OP should keep a dream journal to figure out what’s going on in her psyche.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the OP, just came to roll my eyes at your thread title and tell you to grow up and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:amazing, if any husband has come here to say the same thing do you think there would be commiseration from so many others or would the mob be out to castrate him?

Confused. OP seems to say she has intrusive dreams and thoughts about someone from her past who she admits she probably wouldn’t get along with now. She wants them to stop. She’s emphasized how great she thinks her DH is. What’s the problem? She’s not lining away, not planning an affair. You’re trolling to turn this into some misogynistic debate. I personally think OP should keep a dream journal to figure out what’s going on in her psyche.

it's BS. if your current partner is all wonderful, why give up precious real estate in your head to pine away for someone from your past? and it's not just OP but other women here as well who have chimed in voicing their agreement. again, if your DH admitted he was still dreaming or thinking about an ex, what would be your reaction?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:amazing, if any husband has come here to say the same thing do you think there would be commiseration from so many others or would the mob be out to castrate him?

Confused. OP seems to say she has intrusive dreams and thoughts about someone from her past who she admits she probably wouldn’t get along with now. She wants them to stop. She’s emphasized how great she thinks her DH is. What’s the problem? She’s not lining away, not planning an affair. You’re trolling to turn this into some misogynistic debate. I personally think OP should keep a dream journal to figure out what’s going on in her psyche.

it's BS. if your current partner is all wonderful, why give up precious real estate in your head to pine away for someone from your past? and it's not just OP but other women here as well who have chimed in voicing their agreement. again, if your DH admitted he was still dreaming or thinking about an ex, what would be your reaction?

DP here. I would be concerned but glad he's being honest and not trying to hide it. If it's really a problem and he wants my help, I would try to help him fix it. If you're mature and your relationship is good then everything doesn't have to be a trust exercise.

[Anonymous]

Haunted is an interesting manner to explain what is going on with you. Does this mean it is like a “ghost’ in your mind propelled by your own internal workings?" It seems like you are trying to tell yourself something or you may be using this as a coping mechanism for something going on in your life. But bottom line here is----
You have a life and say it is good. Why would you try to do something to mess it up? You have responsibilities to your family and yourself. Pursuing this fantasy doesn’t sound like something that would turn out well. Apparently he also has responsibilities so pursuing this could potentially mess up two families, who may be doing well right now.
Please think about what you have and to whom you are responsible. Then think of the consequences of allowing this fantasy to build and develop and what all you have to lose.
I know for me there are many thoughts I have that are not for the best. I have to tell myself when they crop up to think on something else that is not harmful or potentially bad. I dream of going to the ocean when I am stressed out, or eat a bag of Doritos, or go into the bathroom and scream until my voice gives out or read a book to shift my thinking.
I pray that you can find something that will replace this fantasy. God bless you.