Haunted by an old flame

[Anonymous]

Sometimes he's far in the distance, like a little treasure of warm memories locked away. But sometimes he haunts me. He's in my dreams and then it crosses over into my waking life. Sometimes the dreams are romantic, other times it's not. I haven't seen him in close to 20 years, since I visited him in grad school. I thought I had it figured out why I think of him so often — we never really got to give it a go, so I thought it was because it was unresolved, or maybe because he rejected me a few times (and I him others, but we did date on and off)... but truly, I do NOT understand why I think of him so often. I can't imagine I occupy as much headspace for him. We are both married with children. My husband is amazing and I love him and he fulfills me.

Has anyone gone through this? Were you able to put them out of your mind for the most part? I've tried squashing it, indulging it, googling him and seeing we don't have much in common anymore. It doesn't work. I hate wasting energy on this. If I ever saw him again, I'd feel he was an old friend but I'd probably blush profusely knowing how often I think of him. It's embarrassing. Help!

[Anonymous]

Do you think about this person when you're going through difficult times? Is it just an escape or a way of wishing for your youth and not really that particular person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think about this person when you're going through difficult times? Is it just an escape or a way of wishing for your youth and not really that particular person?

Good thought, but I don't think so. I'll try to pay more attention to see if it correlates with stress. But things are going quite well for me now and one little trigger will set me off. Ughghghh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think about this person when you're going through difficult times? Is it just an escape or a way of wishing for your youth and not really that particular person?

Good thought, but I don't think so. I'll try to pay more attention to see if it correlates with stress. But things are going quite well for me now and one little trigger will set me off. Ughghghh

Although, you know, I do miss the fever of being in love. But I've had that with at least 5 men. Why don't any of my other exes (who I'm fond of) pop up?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he died and is visiting you in your dreams?

[Anonymous]

It's your escape fantasy. It's got nothing to do with him. Something about the potential of your past relationship appeals to you - only you know what that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he died and is visiting you in your dreams?

Nah, I've been dreaming of him for 20 years. Almost 100% certain he's still alive and well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's your escape fantasy. It's got nothing to do with him. Something about the potential of your past relationship appeals to you - only you know what that is.

You could be onto something. How do I figure this out????

[Anonymous]

i feel sorry for your DH or current partner (assuming you're married or in a LTR). All that head space devoted to a guy and not focused on what you actually have.

[Anonymous]

You probably should see him and this would be probably best cure.. He is not what he used to be, he is not that guy who you fell in love with.
He is probably married, with kids and have all kinds of problems.. or if not at least thing of that and this will pull you through.. Do not idealize him. Time changes everyone. It is mostly looks that you hang to, just google some movies stars, before and after, time takes toll on everyone...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i feel sorry for your DH or current partner (assuming you're married or in a LTR). All that head space devoted to a guy and not focused on what you actually have.

That is a no. At least not by DCUM standard which will tell you that every single husband watches tons of porn.. so technically, they are also are in different "head space altogether devoted to someone else entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your escape fantasy. It's got nothing to do with him. Something about the potential of your past relationship appeals to you - only you know what that is.

You could be onto something. How do I figure this out????

Well, what is it about him that appeals to you so much? What do you envision when you think of him? Jot it down.

[Anonymous]

I think about my old flame when things are going good with DH and we are getting super close or hitting an even deeper level of intimacy. It can be quite scary being that vulnerable with someone. So thinking about old flame was a way for me to not feel so vulnerable with DH. And old flame was always emotionally distant. We'd have these intense moments, then we would run away. As much as it drove me crazy, looking back (and with therapy), made me see that on some level I wanted someone who would leave some space between us.

I starting thinking that it was good that I was fantasizing about old flame because it was a sign things with DH were good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's your escape fantasy. It's got nothing to do with him. Something about the potential of your past relationship appeals to you - only you know what that is.

You could be onto something. How do I figure this out????

Well, what is it about him that appeals to you so much? What do you envision when you think of him? Jot it down.

I really can't think of anything that does appeal to me. He lives a lifestyle I wouldn't want. Is mostly into things I'm not from what I can gather. He made life decisions I would never make. I don't even know why I liked him through adolescence and into adulthood. I mean, he was cute way back when and nice, but he's probably not much to look at anymore. He's not funny or smart like my DH. He's not crazy destructive fun like my other ex. Maybe I need therapy for this.

[Anonymous]

Are you ocd in other ways? Or a perseverator?