Haunted by an old flame

[Anonymous]

I think Anonymous is correct in his analyse. I am coming out of the same scenario although I am single and so is he. Relationships at arms length protect your most sensitive emotions and leave room to run away from if he is getting to close to knowing you within. 18 months later I do still have the old flame thoughts in my head. After 47yrs I managed to track him down and wrote to him, he rapidly responded wanting my phone number, we talked about old times for an hour, he wanted photos and said he would keep in touch. I sent him photos and emails - none were ever answered. He put on a great flattering show of a charm talker on the phone but obviously had no intentions of following through because he just shut the door in my face after receiving photos. It has taken me all this time to work out ways of letting go and getting him out of my thoughts and it wasn't easy. I had believed his words on the phone. I didn't think that a man of 67yr of age would lie, they have passed all that silly behaviour in their senior years. I too, contacted him after a dream that came out of the blue.
What I was going through at that time was reviewing my life and seeing that no man had ever really loved me, I had a father who didn't talk to me at all in my growing childhood years. My ex-husband kicked me and our children out of his life after 18yr marriage because he wanted his freedom from family burdens and always like a girl 12yrs younger than him at his workplace. They are now married but he wanted no children. As I reviewed my life, I saw that the only person who really did love me and wanted me, was my first serious boyfriend of 20yrs of age. That is why in my head, I went back to those days with him and just had to find him, guessing he was probably happily married with kids. He wasn't.
The poster here does have an emotional reason for wanting to contact this lost love and she has to see it within. Even if it is just curiousity to want to know about his life, there is a reason for that too. Is he happier than me, does he ever think of me at all, does he wish he had of married me, has he totally forgotten me completely, etc - for some reason, you want acknowledgement from a past love. It brings a special attention to you in your life regardless if you are totally happy with what you have, everyone likes that bit of specialness to someone. It renews a bit of new love in your current routine life, it's exciting. In the balance of scales though, that wonderful bit of excitement is minute compared to the following broken trust and hurt you are going to cause your partner. Break trust and you have put cracks in a solid foundation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes he's far in the distance, like a little treasure of warm memories locked away. But sometimes he haunts me. He's in my dreams and then it crosses over into my waking life. Sometimes the dreams are romantic, other times it's not. I haven't seen him in close to 20 years, since I visited him in grad school. I thought I had it figured out why I think of him so often — we never really got to give it a go, so I thought it was because it was unresolved, or maybe because he rejected me a few times (and I him others, but we did date on and off)... but truly, I do NOT understand why I think of him so often. I can't imagine I occupy as much headspace for him. We are both married with children. My husband is amazing and I love him and he fulfills me.

Has anyone gone through this? Were you able to put them out of your mind for the most part? I've tried squashing it, indulging it, googling him and seeing we don't have much in common anymore. It doesn't work. I hate wasting energy on this. If I ever saw him again, I'd feel he was an old friend but I'd probably blush profusely knowing how often I think of him. It's embarrassing. Help!

Stop stalking him on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-33 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

Interesting I could have also wrote this! My husband and I never ever argue. Our relationship is strong, stable, and comfortable. I have never had the intense passion I felt with old flame, but my husband was leaps and bounds the better long term partner, friend, and father.

NP and I have an old flame from high school who visits me in my dreams as well. I haven't spoken to him in years and that was my decision. He sends me a fb friends request once a year or so I always ignore. Anyway the above absolutely brings true. It was such a young, passionate, volatile love whereas DH is stable, boring.

[Anonymous]

I love the stern "stop stalking him on social media people." If it were that easy, she wouldn't be asking for help, Einstein.

It does seem odd to do this if you have a satisfying relationship. Or if it is clear at least from his social media shares that he is in a relationship. Often these obsessive "crushes" are fueled more by uncertainty. If there is no prospect of anything happening, the longing dies out pretty quickly.

If you have OCDish tendencies, maybe talk about something like Lyrica with your doctor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes he's far in the distance, like a little treasure of warm memories locked away. But sometimes he haunts me. He's in my dreams and then it crosses over into my waking life. Sometimes the dreams are romantic, other times it's not. I haven't seen him in close to 20 years, since I visited him in grad school. I thought I had it figured out why I think of him so often — we never really got to give it a go, so I thought it was because it was unresolved, or maybe because he rejected me a few times (and I him others, but we did date on and off)... but truly, I do NOT understand why I think of him so often. I can't imagine I occupy as much headspace for him. We are both married with children. My husband is amazing and I love him and he fulfills me.

Has anyone gone through this? Were you able to put them out of your mind for the most part? I've tried squashing it, indulging it, googling him and seeing we don't have much in common anymore. It doesn't work. I hate wasting energy on this. If I ever saw him again, I'd feel he was an old friend but I'd probably blush profusely knowing how often I think of him. It's embarrassing. Help!

Stop stalking him on social media.

OP here. Funny this got resurrected. I’ve never seen him on social media. Sure I googled him but he doesn’t really have a presence online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love the stern "stop stalking him on social media people." If it were that easy, she wouldn't be asking for help, Einstein.

It does seem odd to do this if you have a satisfying relationship. Or if it is clear at least from his social media shares that he is in a relationship. Often these obsessive "crushes" are fueled more by uncertainty. If there is no prospect of anything happening, the longing dies out pretty quickly.

If you have OCDish tendencies, maybe talk about something like Lyrica with your doctor.

Did you read the original post? I don’t have a crush on him. I have intrusive thoughts and dreams. Thankfully there’s been a lull since I posted this.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written this post. We dated about 25 years ago for a little bit over a year. For whatever reason, I keep thinking about her to the point I just want the thoughts to go away.

Can't offer a remedy except to do whatever you can to take your mind off of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You probably should see him and this would be probably best cure.. He is not what he used to be, he is not that guy who you fell in love with.
He is probably married, with kids and have all kinds of problems.. or if not at least thing of that and this will pull you through.. Do not idealize him. Time changes everyone. It is mostly looks that you hang to, just google some movies stars, before and after, time takes toll on everyone...

Do some of you NOT read the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love the stern "stop stalking him on social media people." If it were that easy, she wouldn't be asking for help, Einstein.

It does seem odd to do this if you have a satisfying relationship. Or if it is clear at least from his social media shares that he is in a relationship. Often these obsessive "crushes" are fueled more by uncertainty. If there is no prospect of anything happening, the longing dies out pretty quickly.

If you have OCDish tendencies, maybe talk about something like Lyrica with your doctor.

Did you read the original post? I don’t have a crush on him. I have intrusive thoughts and dreams. Thankfully there’s been a lull since I posted this.

I think he represents something that is missing in your own life? Obviously, he is no longer the same person that he was in college but neither are you.

You might be feeling wistful about getting older, perhaps? Is there something that you can do to reclaim some of your old youthful enthusiasm? Maybe join a club? Start running 5Ks or whatever?

[Anonymous]

0:04:34, your last paragraph is brilliant and spot on. Don't we all on some level want to know if they ever think about us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:0:04:34, your last paragraph is brilliant and spot on. Don't we all on some level want to know if they ever think about us?

Thinking about an ex and being curious about what their life is like now is not the same thing as wanting to get back into some sort of communication with them.

Do I think about my ex boyfriends? Sure, sometimes. Do I want to be Facebook friends with them or meet them for coffee? Lol, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:0:04:34, your last paragraph is brilliant and spot on. Don't we all on some level want to know if they ever think about us?

Thinking about an ex and being curious about what their life is like now is not the same thing as wanting to get back into some sort of communication with them.

Do I think about my ex boyfriends? Sure, sometimes. Do I want to be Facebook friends with them or meet them for coffee? Lol, no.

Depends on the person I guess. An ex contacted me six years later looki

[Anonymous]

Looking for closure and asked a lot of questions about what I felt when we were dating and during the breakup. It was actually cathartic and we usually get in touch at least once a year. We really grew up together so maybe it's a little different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I could have written that word for word. And I'm happy to know someone in the world feels the same way. It's been 12 years for me and he is steadily in my dreams and random thoughts. The last time I saw him was the night I got engaged to DH. We ran into him on a side street in s city of 4 million people. Havent seen or had any contact since and my brain just cannot let it go.

NP here, but you definitely aren’t the only one. I have an ex like this that I often dream about 1-3 times a month, probably. I wouldn’t say he takes up that much headspace during the day, but on some subconscious level he must be there because he enters my dreams- all. The. Time. It’s been nearly a decade since I’ve seen him last.

In my case, my relationship with my husband is very stable. Good, but stable. With ex, it was super turbulent. Super low lows, but also super high highs. I think in some sense I miss the excitement and the feeling of those really high highs. The makeup sex was always GREAT. Husband and I barely fight so it’s just not as....passionate?

Anyways...sympathy. Let me know if you find a cure!!

OP here. Thanks to both of you for sharing. It does help to know I'm not the only one.

To the PP above, I am not living in la la land. I have a wonderful relationship with DH who is the best man I've ever met. I'm lucky, and present, and we have a strong marriage. There is no pining. It's more like I dream about him randomly and not infrequently and that dream carries over for a day or two so that he's in my thoughts. Every time I wake up annoyed and frustrated and say to myself "wtf stop dreaming about him!" I am not pursuing anything with someone I no longer know, who from what I can tell, I have very little in common with. I'm just so tired of it.

OP, I just want to say that I experience exactly what you describe. For me, everything is fine with husband, I go to sleep happy with my life and then I have this dream about my ex and I wake up wanting to talk to my ex, thinking about times with him and wondering how he is now, these are very intense dreams that I DO NOT WANT. And the next day, I just think about him all day, then it goes back to normal.

For years, I hoped that these dreams would just go away because I have a life, but they do not. So it is just a part of life.

I came across an article/study a while ago that if an ex in this scenario is a compatible person and the reason you parted ways was not compatibility and it was first true love and you were young, experience with this person "taught" your brain what love is and every time you are in love that image in conjured up. Happens to men and women.

Good to know that I am not alone in this... yes, tell us if you find cure...