Parents wanting to leave $1M home to sibling

[Anonymous]

I would be upset too. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

My parents split everything between my brother and I evenly even though he doesn’t earn money and is not capable. They set up a trust for us that’s 50-50 so my brother would always have an income. I’m glad they did that. It means I don’t have to wrestle with guilt about providing for my brother. I think everything should be 50 50.

[Anonymous]

This is a really tough situation, OP. I think you can certainly try to have a calm conversation with just your parents to let them know how this makes you feel but it’s unlikely anything will come of it. They seem to have made up their minds for some reason but I would try to explain to them why you want part of the house without coming off as greedy - not at all saying you are but it’s easy to see it that way.

Have a similar situation in my family that is crazy since it’s history repeating itself... my grandparents on my dad’s side left almost everything to my aunt, his sister. Their rationale was that my dad was very successful and my aunt and her husband were not. This caused a rift and my dad and aunt have not had a relationship since, mainly since she just sold everything for cash. Now, I have 2 sisters and the youngest is a total unemployed loser, and my dad changed his will to leave their house and a couple other valuable assets to her. I tried to talk to him about it, even citing the rift between him and his sister over the exact same thing... but no luck.

[Anonymous]

“You said “nothing to me” but it sounds like you are just focused on the house and it’s a bit unusual for people to have a fully paid $1 million house and no other assets at all.

Do they have other assets? I would take $1 million in cash over a marginally useful $1 million vacation house every day of the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that this seems really unfair to you. But honestly, why does it bother you? If they decided to donate it to a charity they loved, would that bother you as much? Is it because you think that parents should treat children similarly?

I get that, but I think still, it is their decision. You can tell them you were hurt by this. I think that's ok too. But make sure they know it's not an issue of the property but of wanting to treat everyone similarly.

BTW, my mom left me way more than my sisters. It's because I sent my mom money every month for decades. And because I loved her so much and did the most for her. In the end, i took what she gave me and split it between the three of us (in my mind, my mom owed me nothing). Maybe your sister will do the same.

Why does it bother her? Come on. Her sister is going to sell the house and then her children can go to college with the funds and get a head start in life. Meanwhile OPs children may have limited college options due to finances.

OP would have a front row seat to how her parents favored her sisters children over hers. It would be a hard pill to swallow to watch her nieces and nephews benefit from the grandparents inheritance while her own children got nothing.

That’s a shameful legacy for the parents. I wouldn’t want to be remembered for favoring one child over another and creating tension between my children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that this seems really unfair to you. But honestly, why does it bother you? If they decided to donate it to a charity they loved, would that bother you as much? Is it because you think that parents should treat children similarly?

I get that, but I think still, it is their decision. You can tell them you were hurt by this. I think that's ok too. But make sure they know it's not an issue of the property but of wanting to treat everyone similarly.

BTW, my mom left me way more than my sisters. It's because I sent my mom money every month for decades. And because I loved her so much and did the most for her. In the end, i took what she gave me and split it between the three of us (in my mind, my mom owed me nothing). Maybe your sister will do the same.

Why does it bother her? Come on. Her sister is going to sell the house and then her children can go to college with the funds and get a head start in life. Meanwhile OPs children may have limited college options due to finances.

OP would have a front row seat to how her parents favored her sisters children over hers. It would be a hard pill to swallow to watch her nieces and nephews benefit from the grandparents inheritance while her own children got nothing.

That’s a shameful legacy for the parents. I wouldn’t want to be remembered for favoring one child over another and creating tension between my children.

x1000

Believe me, a parent that favors one child one another is NOT remember favorably - ever. I guess that tis the choice a parent like that makes - but then again, that kind of thing was probably happening all along, so I am sure people outside the family are well aware that the parent was not a very good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a really tough situation, OP. I think you can certainly try to have a calm conversation with just your parents to let them know how this makes you feel but it’s unlikely anything will come of it. They seem to have made up their minds for some reason but I would try to explain to them why you want part of the house without coming off as greedy - not at all saying you are but it’s easy to see it that way.

Have a similar situation in my family that is crazy since it’s history repeating itself... my grandparents on my dad’s side left almost everything to my aunt, his sister. Their rationale was that my dad was very successful and my aunt and her husband were not. This caused a rift and my dad and aunt have not had a relationship since, mainly since she just sold everything for cash. Now, I have 2 sisters and the youngest is a total unemployed loser, and my dad changed his will to leave their house and a couple other valuable assets to her. I tried to talk to him about it, even citing the rift between him and his sister over the exact same thing... but no luck.

+1

It can be generational - a way to settle a perceived score. Parents like this would be better off leaving money specified for therapy. Some "legacy"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents split everything between my brother and I evenly even though he doesn’t earn money and is not capable. They set up a trust for us that’s 50-50 so my brother would always have an income. I’m glad they did that. It means I don’t have to wrestle with guilt about providing for my brother. I think everything should be 50 50.

+1

Everything should absolutely be 50/50 - or absolutely equal in amount. Parents sometimes think they are "helping" the "helpless" offspring, but instead they are doing them no favors.

[Anonymous]

My dad left behind a huge house to my mom. She does not live there anymore. She has thought to sell the house and divvy it up in 4 parts. 3 equal share to her kids and 1 for her. I think she is a very smart person. One of my brothers needs the money now. To get it after her death would be too late for him.

[Anonymous]

My dad left behind a huge house to my mom. She does not live there anymore. She has thought to sell the house and divvy it up in 4 parts. 3 equal share to her kids and 1 for her. I think she is a very smart person. One of my brothers needs the money now. To get it after her death would be too late for him.

[Anonymous]

My parents always divided everything completely equally among the 3 of us. My husband and I do much better financially and own 2 homes— but they have it set for all assets to be divided equally.

That said, we have given $ and helped our siblings/nephews when needed.

My parents treating us equally ensured we didn’t have squabbles and all get along.

[Anonymous]

I would be frank with my parents that if they favor your sibling it will likely cause a life long rift between the two of you. Happened in my family several times. You already feel bitter and it hasn’t happened yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a home that is worth about $1M in a vacation destination, no mortgage. They mentioned leaving it my older sister because she doesn't have a house and we already have one. My house still has a mortgage and won't be paid off for another 20 years. I think it's unfair that they would just give it to her outright and leave nothing for me. I would like it left to both of us. How can this be done with the least amount of trouble for our families? Like after we die, could it be divided equally to our children? She has 2 and I have 2. Also, I don't wouldn't want anyone to sell it and if it could be kept in the family as a vacation home or rental I think it would be nice for generations to enjoy. If it were left to my sister, I suspect she would just sell the home and use the money to purchase elsewhere. How could it be done, where it's kept in the family and everyone owns it equally? Anyone have good/bad stories about their experiences?

I’d suspect that if your family owns such a home ($1 mil worth, second home, vacation destination), they have other assets as well and you would inherit those. It would be really weird if that was not the case. Otherwise how are they paying the taxes and upkeep on the house? And is it sitting completely empty with no furnishings?

A friend inherited her parents condo and her brother all the contents, plus cash. The condo was worth a few more thousand than the rest of what her brother got, but they were relieved to avoid a sale and paying the real estate commission, etc. plus, with the vagaries of the housing market, it was worth less a decade later.

A relative left a home split between my two kids and a hapless relative. She left everything else (cash, bonds, stocks, and personal possessions) to other relatives. Mostly in proportion to the 1/3 real estate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that this seems really unfair to you. But honestly, why does it bother you? If they decided to donate it to a charity they loved, would that bother you as much? Is it because you think that parents should treat children similarly?

I get that, but I think still, it is their decision. You can tell them you were hurt by this. I think that's ok too. But make sure they know it's not an issue of the property but of wanting to treat everyone similarly.

BTW, my mom left me way more than my sisters. It's because I sent my mom money every month for decades. And because I loved her so much and did the most for her. In the end, i took what she gave me and split it between the three of us (in my mind, my mom owed me nothing). Maybe your sister will do the same.

Why does it bother her? Come on. Her sister is going to sell the house and then her children can go to college with the funds and get a head start in life. Meanwhile OPs children may have limited college options due to finances.

OP would have a front row seat to how her parents favored her sisters children over hers. It would be a hard pill to swallow to watch her nieces and nephews benefit from the grandparents inheritance while her own children got nothing.

That’s a shameful legacy for the parents. I wouldn’t want to be remembered for favoring one child over another and creating tension between my children.

x1000

Believe me, a parent that favors one child one another is NOT remember favorably - ever. I guess that tis the choice a parent like that makes - but then again, that kind of thing was probably happening all along, so I am sure people outside the family are well aware that the parent was not a very good parent.

Maybe it wouldn’t even be apparent right away while kids are in school, but believe me there would be a thousand ways that OP would see how her sisters children are benefiting from her parents inheritance while her children get nothing.

College is the tip of the iceberg. What about weddings? Down payments on houses? And maybe once grandchildren are in the picture, her sister even gets to retire a few years early to spend more time with her family. It would take superhuman levels of grace for OP to watch all that play out over the next 10 or 20 years and not feel resentment.

What does OP tell her children? This is not the same as if the grandparents had left their estate to charity - if they had done that the sisters families would have been treated equally. Favoring one child/grandchildren over another is so wrong. How does OP defend her parents choice to her kids? “Sorry kids! Grandma and grandpa only cared about your cousins family. They didn’t even think of leaving anything for you. And it’s none of our business anyways!” Knowing this would tarnish anyone’s memories of the grandparents. It’s basically guaranteeing that your children and grandchildren will be estranged.

Why do this?

Also, OPs parents suck for telling her this. Now they’ve immediately branded her greedy if she asks that they treat her and her sister the same. This is the dynamic that OP will be dealing with her sister for ever. That is such a horrible thing for parents to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My sister's lives overseas and makes a pretty good amount of money living as an expat. Housing is completely paid for, receives cost of living expense, free ticket home each year. She has a good life. She doesn't want to live in the States and that is why she hasn't purchased a home. Meanwhile, I work my ass off, save money to provide a nice life for my family. I have 2 kids. I wouldn't choose one over the other and I would divide my assets equally regardless of who has what.

I would respect their decision, but I would be hurt. Since it was brought up, I felt that they should know how I feel and to know that just because I own a house, I also own a mortgage and I am not rich. I am for an equal solution. Not one over the other. I want to give them an alternate solution where we can own it equally.

It's in a vacation destination and neither one of us will live there but we would visit.

You have a right to your feelings and you even have a right to express your feelings to your parents. But in the end, it’s their decision. Know that you will sound like a spoiled child when you run to your parents with “it’s not fair”.

And along these same lines, your parents will sound like total fools when they run to you with “We need help in our old age.” Um, you cut me out of your will, I cut you out as well.