Parents wanting to leave $1M home to sibling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Disagree. OP is the child of a 1%er, or rather a 0.5%er. Presumably OP will receive a large inheritance from her parents, her quibble is that she thinks she deserves a larger one. Excuse me if I can't sympathize with her. I'm the poster above who has no issues with my less financially secure SIL's family inheriting more than my family, and we're far poorer than the OP is.

If you read the whole thread, it becomes clear that the house is the parents only asset, they got lucky with house appreciation and thats it. They are not 1%ers, and in reality that house is probably going to be lost to end of life care for one or both of them, unless they get so lucky as to die quickly and suddenly. But in the abstract, the OP has to deal with the emotional impact of basically being told that she is not as worthwhile as her sister, and her parents are telling her that NOW, upfront. It's a hard thing to cope with.

A friend who had success in life was told by his dad that he wouldn't be in the will because he didn't need anything. And then his dad turned around and tried to make him executor of the will! The reality is neither my friend or his siblings OR the grandkids *need* anything, but verbally trying to dole it out in varying amounts just opens old rivalries and hurts and does absolutely no good whatsoever. Make it even. If one child takes on the bulk of eldercare, that should be dealt with in the present time and not be left to estate settlement.

personally, i've been supporting my parents for 20 years; the house is titled to revert to me when they die so it wouldn't be part of the estate. I have no idea if my dads older daughters are in his will anymore, and didn't feel like making that conditional, I just took care of it with titling. certainly if there is any stuff they might want they can take it, but they absolutely don't get to inherit the house i have been paying the mortgage on for 20 years.

PP isn’t actually concerned with the facts of OP’s situation. She’s too concerned with being superior about how much better off they are than her DH’s sister

[Anonymous]

I think OP has a right to be hurt. Something similar happened in my family. Mother intended on giving everything to older sib. Mother had also been giving large sums of money to older sib. I told mother that she could continue doing this but I would be withdrawing all support and not to call me when she needed anything.

Op's parents might have reasons for making their decision but that doesn't make it fair or right. If OPs parents don't owe her anything, neither does OP owe her parents time, support, etc. It is a two way street. Life is too short to be treated badly and if you aren't respected by those in your life, end the relationship. Even with your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be hurt. Something similar happened in my family. Mother intended on giving everything to older sib. Mother had also been giving large sums of money to older sib. I told mother that she could continue doing this but I would be withdrawing all support and not to call me when she needed anything.

Op's parents might have reasons for making their decision but that doesn't make it fair or right. If OPs parents don't owe her anything, neither does OP owe her parents time, support, etc. It is a two way street. Life is too short to be treated badly and if you aren't respected by those in your life, end the relationship. Even with your parents.

+1 sadly, I agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be hurt. Something similar happened in my family. Mother intended on giving everything to older sib. Mother had also been giving large sums of money to older sib. I told mother that she could continue doing this but I would be withdrawing all support and not to call me when she needed anything.

Op's parents might have reasons for making their decision but that doesn't make it fair or right. If OPs parents don't owe her anything, neither does OP owe her parents time, support, etc. It is a two way street. Life is too short to be treated badly and if you aren't respected by those in your life, end the relationship. Even with your parents.

I feel sorry for your parents.

[Anonymous]

That sux, but parents guilt for failure to launch adult kids can make them be unfair like this.

Many parents would still divide everything I bhalm, but sounds like yours might not. Just voice that it hurts your feelings, but that you also recognize it’s their assets and money and inheritance to divide up how they decide.

Then shut up.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my father. Big time assets went to the two loser brothers.

All the “successful” middle class siblings with spouse, kids, jobs, houses got minimal. It’s socialist and hurts.

But my dad had to brush it off, and continue to be the best son, dad, husband, company person, he could be. He is good at brushing off lost causes.

That said, barring a handicapped child, they plan to divide all assets 50/50 amongst me and my brother. My husbands parents have already started gifting his 36 yo jobless brother rental properties, allowances, do his work for him, financier 4 grad degrees, etc. Too much enablement and codependecey there. My husband doesn’t get angry but also won’t admit that his brother has $1-2m of rental properties now. Hopefully BIl will take care if his parents once they are elderly and unable. Or we’ll get dumped on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. This happened to my husband - the parents decided that one sister "needed" the family home more because the other siblings seemed to be squared away. Well, after the parents died, DH got a divorce and basically had to start over and his other sister had a kid born with serious disabilities, and there was the other sister happily living mortgage free in their childhood home. It hasn't destroyed the family, but it definitely has colored the family dynamics for over 2 decades now. It wasn't even THAT much money, certainly not $1 million, but it created an unnecessary wedge between siblings.

Parents, don't do this!

But there is only one house...what should the parents have done? Ordered it be sold and split three ways evenly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be hurt. Something similar happened in my family. Mother intended on giving everything to older sib. Mother had also been giving large sums of money to older sib. I told mother that she could continue doing this but I would be withdrawing all support and not to call me when she needed anything.

Op's parents might have reasons for making their decision but that doesn't make it fair or right. If OPs parents don't owe her anything, neither does OP owe her parents time, support, etc. It is a two way street. Life is too short to be treated badly and if you aren't respected by those in your life, end the relationship. Even with your parents.

+1 sadly, I agree

+2. Don't come to me for support then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has a right to be hurt. Something similar happened in my family. Mother intended on giving everything to older sib. Mother had also been giving large sums of money to older sib. I told mother that she could continue doing this but I would be withdrawing all support and not to call me when she needed anything.

Op's parents might have reasons for making their decision but that doesn't make it fair or right. If OPs parents don't owe her anything, neither does OP owe her parents time, support, etc. It is a two way street. Life is too short to be treated badly and if you aren't respected by those in your life, end the relationship. Even with your parents.

I feel sorry for your parents.

You know the old saying about making your bed . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. This happened to my husband - the parents decided that one sister "needed" the family home more because the other siblings seemed to be squared away. Well, after the parents died, DH got a divorce and basically had to start over and his other sister had a kid born with serious disabilities, and there was the other sister happily living mortgage free in their childhood home. It hasn't destroyed the family, but it definitely has colored the family dynamics for over 2 decades now. It wasn't even THAT much money, certainly not $1 million, but it created an unnecessary wedge between siblings.

Parents, don't do this!

But there is only one house...what should the parents have done? Ordered it be sold and split three ways evenly?

Umm, yeah, you leave the estate to be divided equally among all living children (or their heirs). They can sell it and split the profits or one can buy the others out. Have you never seen a will before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. This happened to my husband - the parents decided that one sister "needed" the family home more because the other siblings seemed to be squared away. Well, after the parents died, DH got a divorce and basically had to start over and his other sister had a kid born with serious disabilities, and there was the other sister happily living mortgage free in their childhood home. It hasn't destroyed the family, but it definitely has colored the family dynamics for over 2 decades now. It wasn't even THAT much money, certainly not $1 million, but it created an unnecessary wedge between siblings.

Parents, don't do this!

But there is only one house...what should the parents have done? Ordered it be sold and split three ways evenly?

Put in a trust, split trust 50/50 upon death. One side can always buyout the other side. Expenses and taxes split 50/50 each year. If unsustainable to gold, sell it and split proceeds after debt payoff 50/50z.

Happens all the time. Usually 50/50.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. My sister's lives overseas and makes a pretty good amount of money living as an expat. Housing is completely paid for, receives cost of living expense, free ticket home each year. She has a good life. She doesn't want to live in the States and that is why she hasn't purchased a home. Meanwhile, I work my ass off, save money to provide a nice life for my family. I have 2 kids. I wouldn't choose one over the other and I would divide my assets equally regardless of who has what.

I would respect their decision, but I would be hurt. Since it was brought up, I felt that they should know how I feel and to know that just because I own a house, I also own a mortgage and I am not rich. I am for an equal solution. Not one over the other. I want to give them an alternate solution where we can own it equally.

It's in a vacation destination and neither one of us will live there but we would visit.

I would absolutely tell them how you feel, and how hurt you are by their decision, and why. Leave the emotion out of it as best you can. But, it's ultimately their decision. Acknowledge that, too.

I will say, in this situation, it would absolutely affect me relationship with them if they did something like this.

I wish you could illustrate this to your mom some way. Like imagine this favorite dessert of your mom’s is yours to do as you choose and this is the last one/not easy to get another. But since she purchased a desert yesterday on her own, you’ve decided instead of splitting it between her and your dad, you are giving him the whole thing. Your dad could have used his resources to get a dessert if he had wanted, but made the decision not to. Now take that to be sibling and if her parents did that to her and every dessert purchased is earmarked for her sibling. Would she feel that is fair regardless of it being theirs to decide how to divide?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a home that is worth about $1M in a vacation destination, no mortgage. They mentioned leaving it my older sister because she doesn't have a house and we already have one. My house still has a mortgage and won't be paid off for another 20 years. I think it's unfair that they would just give it to her outright and leave nothing for me. I would like it left to both of us. How can this be done with the least amount of trouble for our families? Like after we die, could it be divided equally to our children? She has 2 and I have 2. Also, I don't wouldn't want anyone to sell it and if it could be kept in the family as a vacation home or rental I think it would be nice for generations to enjoy. If it were left to my sister, I suspect she would just sell the home and use the money to purchase elsewhere. How could it be done, where it's kept in the family and everyone owns it equally? Anyone have good/bad stories about their experiences?

It's their house and their choice! You are jealous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents have a home that is worth about $1M in a vacation destination, no mortgage. They mentioned leaving it my older sister because she doesn't have a house and we already have one. My house still has a mortgage and won't be paid off for another 20 years. I think it's unfair that they would just give it to her outright and leave nothing for me. I would like it left to both of us. How can this be done with the least amount of trouble for our families? Like after we die, could it be divided equally to our children? She has 2 and I have 2. Also, I don't wouldn't want anyone to sell it and if it could be kept in the family as a vacation home or rental I think it would be nice for generations to enjoy. If it were left to my sister, I suspect she would just sell the home and use the money to purchase elsewhere. How could it be done, where it's kept in the family and everyone owns it equally? Anyone have good/bad stories about their experiences?

It's their house and their choice! You are jealous.

Of course the OP is jealous, and I would be too. Not necessarily of the monetary value of the estate, but what it implies about the relationship. If one sibling has a great need and the parents frame it to the other siblings as such, fine. For example, I would have no issue if my parents left their entire estate to my sister whose daughter has severe special needs that will result in her needing care her entire life. I plan to leave my niece a chunk of my estate too. But if they were to split it equally between my brother (roughly same life circumstances as me) and my sister, and exclude me of course I would be hurt. I don't know what parents expect when they do this, and I don't know why people think it's odd/bad/selfish that the left out sibling is hurt. I don't care about the money, it's the feeling that they care more about other siblings than me.

If parents are going to inform their children about these kinds of splits ahead of time they should expect feedback - why else would they share before they die? If they don't want push back they should keep their mouths shut and the kids can find out when they read the will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well maybe your parents are stupid, so I think you should spend some time explaining your feelings—maybe this will clear it all up.

But, if what you’re saying is all true, and they still make this choice—you should feel free to act accordingly and direct them to their favorite child when they need anything.

This. Unequal treatment in such a final way sucks, and it has nothing to do with what the children have accomplished on their own or what their current financial circumstances are. Which, by the way, could all change with a stroke of misfortunate. I found out my parents favored my brother in their wills (mom is still alive but won't change what "dad wanted"). It should be freeing in a way because she should go to him for all her needs, but he is a crackpot who has been coddled his entire life. It just hurts a little more when it was meant to be a permanent, secret surprise after my mother got all she could out of me. Yes, parents have the legal right to hurt their children through their bequests and DCUM posters will be quick to remind you of how you should be big enough to overlook it and carry on. See the book Beyond the Grave for the aftermath to many of these unequal bequests.