Newly Divorced -- Is it Okay to Reach out to Divorced Friends for a Social Assist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I guess if you're a stone-cold psychopath you won't grieve, but anyone normal will certainly grieve.

[Anonymous]

Go on line and cast a wide net. You will get plenty of practice early on and quickly get over being nervous. Whatever you don’t talk about your divorce and your ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I guess if you're a stone-cold psychopath you won't grieve, but anyone normal will certainly grieve.

I guess if you're addicted to drama you can keep grieving AFTER THREE YEARS HAVE PASSED.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I guess if you're a stone-cold psychopath you won't grieve, but anyone normal will certainly grieve.

I guess if you're addicted to drama you can keep grieving AFTER THREE YEARS HAVE PASSED.

Separation isnt the same as the finality of divorce. It's a weird transitional time. For some people they can't start the processing until it's fully over. I was doing great by the time my separation was over and the divorce was a relief. But I can understand how someone might not feel the same way.

You seem really angry. Maybe you need to do some processing yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, why don't you just get the divorced moms and dads together, without involving your married friends? Married friends don't like the divorced opposite sex sniffing around, since you asked. So, leave the marrieds out of the equation and host a mixer at your house for only the divorced friends. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The children are older than middle school, to the extent that matters to posters. My focus has always been them and their needs firstt, and my own mental and physical health second. We have had quite some time now to adjust to the 'new normal' as the process has already taken several years, and their dad/my ex walked away at the beginning of that period and has maintained only occasional contact (two days a month on average).

I have very supportive and kind married and single/divorced friendships both, which have helped me greatly. I respect any marriage, partnership, and/or dating relationship, having lived firsthand through the devastation of an extramarital affair, so I feel awkward being the third wheel to any sort of couple relationship. I was considering reaching out only to men who I know are single and unattached in any way, thinking they might be more likely to socialize in a similarly unattached cohort.

The general consensus seems to be that my assumption is wrong and that I might come across as desperate. I really do not feel comfortable with an online approach, so perhaps the previous poster is right that I should continue my focus on the family and take some more time. Thank you all for the very helpful advice.

Don’t necessarily give up on dating. If you aren’t comfortable with online dating, the suggestions people were making were around pursuing interests/hobbies that expand your social circle and doing something you enjoy so you feel happy whether or not you meet someone you are interested in dating. Another option is being the social glue that brings your single friends of both sides together for a one time event like your birthday or to more frequently socializing together like a bowling league (if they like to bowl). Another more direct possibility - look into a matchmaker - more expensive than online dating but maybe the process and having someone guide you is what you need. I recently read an NPR story about someone that hired a matchmaker https://www.npr.org/2018/01/23/579884656/even-in-the-days-of-tinder-old-school-matchmakers-are-needed

[Anonymous]

I had guy friends go on practice dates with me after my divorce. They were awesome and supportive. I would reach out and let them know you need some practice. Everyone likes a good dinner companion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I guess if you're a stone-cold psychopath you won't grieve, but anyone normal will certainly grieve.

Come on!

It’s been THREE YEARS!!!!

My FIL has already remarried by the time my MIL - his wife of 30 years had passed away for that long. People are allowed to live their lives. You don’t have to spend a decade mourning a failed relationship! Hell, you don’t even have to spend years mourning the end of a successful relationship.

You need to keep living your life. 3 years is long enough!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I guess if you're a stone-cold psychopath you won't grieve, but anyone normal will certainly grieve.

I guess if you're addicted to drama you can keep grieving AFTER THREE YEARS HAVE PASSED.

Separation isnt the same as the finality of divorce. It's a weird transitional time. For some people they can't start the processing until it's fully over. I was doing great by the time my separation was over and the divorce was a relief. But I can understand how someone might not feel the same way.

You seem really angry. Maybe you need to do some processing yourself.

You're either really old and don't know how the internet works or a lunatic.

[Anonymous]

OP clearly wants to date and is ready. It is such a crazy non-sequitur to immediately jump to telling her to wait longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly wants to date and is ready. It is such a crazy non-sequitur to immediately jump to telling her to wait longer.

OP here. Yes, I really want companionship again, perhaps not marriage, but definitely ready to jump in the water.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I’ve buried a daughter and divorced over a 3 year separation, and a lot of conflict and contempt is directed to me as the mother. Everyone grieves everything differently. No judgment?

The most important work for any healthy relationship is self-work, but there is nothing wrong with a male friendship and specially platonic? Nothing wrong with dating as long as your 100% transparent about where you are in the process up front with dates, and you never put your child at a disadvantage. It’s tricky to navigate all of the patterns in life and a tightrope walk at times. Try not to be so hard on each other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly wants to date and is ready. It is such a crazy non-sequitur to immediately jump to telling her to wait longer.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had guy friends go on practice dates with me after my divorce. They were awesome and supportive. I would reach out and let them know you need some practice. Everyone likes a good dinner companion!

I would agree to this if it included practice sexytime. I haven't been with a new woman in 15 years and I'm not at all sure how that's gonna go...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve buried a daughter and divorced over a 3 year separation, and a lot of conflict and contempt is directed to me as the mother. Everyone grieves everything differently. No judgment?

The most important work for any healthy relationship is self-work, but there is nothing wrong with a male friendship and specially platonic? Nothing wrong with dating as long as your 100% transparent about where you are in the process up front with dates, and you never put your child at a disadvantage. It’s tricky to navigate all of the patterns in life and a tightrope walk at times. Try not to be so hard on each other

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter.