Newly Divorced -- Is it Okay to Reach out to Divorced Friends for a Social Assist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DCs? How old?

Irrelevant. One is allowed to have a social life, even as a mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you will do better avoiding “groups” of single people. In my experience they tend to attract those who need safety in numbers.

If your intention is to have lots of friends - join things like hiking groups meetups volunteer at festivals join a run club etc.

Find “friends” who share similar interests not just similar (and generally similarly temporary) partner status- if you want meaningful friendships. If you only bond over Singleton the group dies when not single.

If you want to DATE go online. I’m two years into the divorce but do date and have been really enjoying it! Good luck OP you can do this

+1. If you want to practice going out with a guy on a date, actually go online and date. If you are looking for a source of dates besides online and are looking for a friend to set you up, realize it would probably be more awkward having your “practice dates” come from someone they see all the time/socialize with. I think the social assist come more in the form of if someone is having a social gathering like a bbq or Super Bowl party with lots of people that you get an invite and expand your social circle in general whereas perhaps before you weren’t always going to those things.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t necessarily sound desperate (I get it), but it will look desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your approach feels desperate so I’d take things slow.

What approach do you suggest instead? The separation and divorce process took almost three years, during which time I made the family my priority. Absolutely no dating and very little socializing during that time.

Calm down. You will find another DH. Your fear of being alone will make you select men who are poor choices though.

You just divorced. Now the hard part really starts for your kids and you. Give yourself and your kids a year at least to adjust to the real new normal.
Don’t hang out with you divorced friends all the time bc you fear being lonely and then having time to think.

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

[Anonymous]

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your approach feels desperate so I’d take things slow.

What approach do you suggest instead? The separation and divorce process took almost three years, during which time I made the family my priority. Absolutely no dating and very little socializing during that time.

Calm down. You will find another DH. Your fear of being alone will make you select men who are poor choices though.

You just divorced. Now the hard part really starts for your kids and you. Give yourself and your kids a year at least to adjust to the real new normal.
Don’t hang out with you divorced friends all the time bc you fear being lonely and then having time to think.

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

The children are older than middle school, to the extent that matters to posters. My focus has always been them and their needs firstt, and my own mental and physical health second. We have had quite some time now to adjust to the 'new normal' as the process has already taken several years, and their dad/my ex walked away at the beginning of that period and has maintained only occasional contact (two days a month on average).

I have very supportive and kind married and single/divorced friendships both, which have helped me greatly. I respect any marriage, partnership, and/or dating relationship, having lived firsthand through the devastation of an extramarital affair, so I feel awkward being the third wheel to any sort of couple relationship. I was considering reaching out only to men who I know are single and unattached in any way, thinking they might be more likely to socialize in a similarly unattached cohort.

The general consensus seems to be that my assumption is wrong and that I might come across as desperate. I really do not feel comfortable with an online approach, so perhaps the previous poster is right that I should continue my focus on the family and take some more time. Thank you all for the very helpful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your approach feels desperate so I’d take things slow.

What approach do you suggest instead? The separation and divorce process took almost three years, during which time I made the family my priority. Absolutely no dating and very little socializing during that time.

Calm down. You will find another DH. Your fear of being alone will make you select men who are poor choices though.

You just divorced. Now the hard part really starts for your kids and you. Give yourself and your kids a year at least to adjust to the real new normal.
Don’t hang out with you divorced friends all the time bc you fear being lonely and then having time to think.

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

The children are older than middle school, to the extent that matters to posters. My focus has always been them and their needs firstt, and my own mental and physical health second. We have had quite some time now to adjust to the 'new normal' as the process has already taken several years, and their dad/my ex walked away at the beginning of that period and has maintained only occasional contact (two days a month on average).

I have very supportive and kind married and single/divorced friendships both, which have helped me greatly. I respect any marriage, partnership, and/or dating relationship, having lived firsthand through the devastation of an extramarital affair, so I feel awkward being the third wheel to any sort of couple relationship. I was considering reaching out only to men who I know are single and unattached in any way, thinking they might be more likely to socialize in a similarly unattached cohort.

The general consensus seems to be that my assumption is wrong and that I might come across as desperate. I really do not feel comfortable with an online approach, so perhaps the previous poster is right that I should continue my focus on the family and take some more time. Thank you all for the very helpful advice.

What are your hobbies and interests? Join a hiking group, running club, cosplay, reading, cooking etc etc
Just work on yourself and recultivate your passions. Be happy with being "alone."

I would ask friends to set you up before asking to tag along on guy's nights...unless you sincerely enjoy the activity the guys are doing without an ulterior motive. So if you like Top Golf for it's own sake-go and have fun!

[Anonymous]

I generally agree w/ the consensus that you shouldn't send that kind of "ask" to divorced friends. It does look kind of desperate, and the entire world basically does online dating now.

But there are other options OP - join a club or volunteer or take a class. Take up golfing and you can join a group for instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am newly divorced after a long marriage, not by choice, my ex left me. I have several single/divorced girlfriends who have been extremely supportive and positive, and include me on some social outings. But I really need to practice going out with guys, since I have not dated in mamy years. Is it okay to reach out to the single/divorced men I know and ask them to include me on group outings to bars or restaurants with their
single/divorced friends? Or does that sound desperate? How should I go about socializing with men again?

Just expect to be having sex with them. I mean, that's the point of dating. And you're free now so you should be taking a tour of the penises and comparing them all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your approach feels desperate so I’d take things slow.

What approach do you suggest instead? The separation and divorce process took almost three years, during which time I made the family my priority. Absolutely no dating and very little socializing during that time.

Calm down. You will find another DH. Your fear of being alone will make you select men who are poor choices though.

You just divorced. Now the hard part really starts for your kids and you. Give yourself and your kids a year at least to adjust to the real new normal.
Don’t hang out with you divorced friends all the time bc you fear being lonely and then having time to think.

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

The children are older than middle school, to the extent that matters to posters. My focus has always been them and their needs firstt, and my own mental and physical health second. We have had quite some time now to adjust to the 'new normal' as the process has already taken several years, and their dad/my ex walked away at the beginning of that period and has maintained only occasional contact (two days a month on average).

I have very supportive and kind married and single/divorced friendships both, which have helped me greatly. I respect any marriage, partnership, and/or dating relationship, having lived firsthand through the devastation of an extramarital affair, so I feel awkward being the third wheel to any sort of couple relationship. I was considering reaching out only to men who I know are single and unattached in any way, thinking they might be more likely to socialize in a similarly unattached cohort.

The general consensus seems to be that my assumption is wrong and that I might come across as desperate. I really do not feel comfortable with an online approach, so perhaps the previous poster is right that I should continue my focus on the family and take some more time. Thank you all for the very helpful advice.

OP, I feel sorry for you. I wish you the best. I am not sure if the consensus is right or wrong. It is wonderful that your first and foremost concern is the kids. It sounds like you do want to date. I kinda think dating in general hasn't changed. I don't see anything wrong with slowly going the on-line approach. Maybe in the process of setting up a profile, you will be forced to answer questions that you have not thought of, as you re-enter the scene. It may help you crystalize what you want, and what you don't want, in your life going forward. Would you prefer a never-married guy? Or do you prefer another divorced person? whether they do or don't also have kids? Are you open top bald guys? Tall or short guys? Do you want to re-marry again, or does that sound horrible?! Think about it all, then follow your gut!

[Anonymous]

I would casually let people know that you’re ready to start dating, and leave it to them to make introductions or invite you to things. Trying to join a group of divorced/single guys for something they have planned seems really awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Be lonely. Grieve the loss. That’s not what we going on the last 3 years. You were just getting through. It’s different now.

OP divorced the guy; she’s not mourning his death. You’re trying to solve a problem OP doesn’t have.

Hello there, person who hasnt ever been divorced! For many people it is a legit grieving process. You have to grieve the loss of all the hopes and dreams you had for the marriage.

Hello there, person who has apparently never buried a husband or wife. No, it’s not a law of nature that you _have_ to grieve at the end of a marriage. At least past OP’s 3 years of separation.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Death is of course worse.

But there is a grieving process in divorce. For me it shook up my identity, religious faith, social roles, family roles etc etc. I lost my closest friendship and a person I considered my second mother. Not to mention financial problems.

And the time during separation can be a weird limbo. Let's not tell OP or anyone else when they should be over something and let's NOT play the Suffering Olympics.

[Anonymous]

PP again. I also never said it was a law of nature to grieve a divorce I just said that it's the case for many people.