DH texting much younger woman on Signal, should I worry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

I bet it was the other way around. My neighbor invited himself over to chit chat.
I knew exactly why he was there. Mine neighbor isn't 60 though. That's too old even for EE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

I bet it was the other way around. My neighbor invited himself over to chit chat.
I knew exactly why he was there. Mine neighbor isn't 60 though. That's too old even for EE.

I agree. She probably uses that app to talk to her family and maybe was away for the summer, but the old man found a way to stay in touch and 'help out'.

[Anonymous]

The other great thing about Signal is that you can set it to auto-disappear your messages after X time. at one point the default was a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, why is the signal app bad? I use that app for texting my sister overseas as it is free and I can also use it to video chat. My husband did recommend it. Is it a “cheater” app for some reason?

There is no need to use it when you are both in the same city. Are you dim? Messaging your sister out of the country is hardly the same as a the OP's scenario.

Don't answer that, you're clearly dim.

And how do you know she's not back home on vacation and it's the cheaper option to message people in the states.

OP I would casually ask how she is going and is she is on vacation at the moment and what is she up to. If she is at home (in the US) then yes there is no reason to use Signal.

I get the feeling if you ask him directly if he is having an affair he will deny it. I would start digging around but if they are using signal then perhaps digging won't find anything.

I think at this point it's time to start having a serious conversation with him and telling him this friendship needs to cool down. It doesn't sound like the friendship is on display, it doesn't sound like he tells you whats going on, it sounds a little secretive. I think I would be having a conversation with him and checking in. This needs to stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

DP, and quite often, yes. But that doesn't mean they lived happily ever after.
There are lots of single/separated older women, "babushki," and honestly many of them are happier without their estranged husbands. They get along with their lives taking care of their children and grandchildren and get by on neighborhood gossip with their friends and earn a modest living with their jobs.
The older, wandering men will rinse and repeat with the younger women, seeing themselves no responsibility. The younger woman may think she has it made with the older, established man, until he gets bored and moves on. If she has no plan B, she's screwed in many ways.

This is the way it works in Eastern Europe, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

This precisely explains Melania Trump.
Gold digging is one thing, and I understand the perspective of seeking a provider versus looks since looks fade anyway, but even I can't comprehend how someone could tolerate not only the abuse and vile personality but also the ghastly, repulsive looks of Donald Trump, and all the money in the world would not make having to sleep against that fat orange...thing... Jabba the Hutt ...every night, any less of a hell. It just shows you how ingrained this perspective is, which even Melania is now regretting. Not that I feel any sympathy for her, but she does appear miserable since being first lady to a fascist regime is NOT what she signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

This precisely explains Melania Trump.
Gold digging is one thing, and I understand the perspective of seeking a provider versus looks since looks fade anyway, but even I can't comprehend how someone could tolerate not only the abuse and vile personality but also the ghastly, repulsive looks of Donald Trump, and all the money in the world would not make having to sleep against that fat orange...thing... Jabba the Hutt ...every night, any less of a hell. It just shows you how ingrained this perspective is, which even Melania is now regretting. Not that I feel any sympathy for her, but she does appear miserable since being first lady to a fascist regime is NOT what she signed up for.

[Anonymous]

Melania *sedates herself* just think about the money, think about the money, just get through this, it's only going to be two minutes at most...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

Yes, always. I saw this happen multiple times. Each time, the man was besotted with his young girlfriend, and each time, the humiliated American wife ended up moving home while the husband remarried his young girlfriend and enjoyed no change in social status among the expat community. It was very disheartening to watch how the other US men, married or not, really seemed to admire the man who had hooked up with a hot young EE girlfriend and discarded his middle aged wife. Before I left the US, I would never have imagined that this would be the case, to this degree. They had all seemed to be happily married, settled fathers prior to dumping their wives overseas. A lot of times the affairs wrecked their relationships with their children, but they didn't seem to care.

They usually had a new baby to start their new family fairly quickly, though were not pregnant at time of marriage. The girls really wanted a family experience.

The worst case was when a middle aged American man actually worked two offices down from his middle aged American wife. He started a blatant affair with a 21 year old EE secretary, and made no attempt to hide it when he moved out of the house he shared with his wife. She moved home and he married the young girl. He still works in the same job in that country. They have two young children now.

Yes, this culture does explain Melania. No woman in Eastern Europe thinks a stable provider is less than a catch, no matter what he looks like. They just don't have the same priorities.

I suppose I can understand the mindset, having seen the way many of these girls and their families grew up. But no way would I be happy if my DH were messaging one of them or hanging out with her, or showing her special attention. I know where that leads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

DP, and quite often, yes. But that doesn't mean they lived happily ever after.
There are lots of single/separated older women, "babushki," and honestly many of them are happier without their estranged husbands. They get along with their lives taking care of their children and grandchildren and get by on neighborhood gossip with their friends and earn a modest living with their jobs.
The older, wandering men will rinse and repeat with the younger women, seeing themselves no responsibility. The younger woman may think she has it made with the older, established man, until he gets bored and moves on. If she has no plan B, she's screwed in many ways.

This is the way it works in Eastern Europe, anyway.

Yep, many times that is it.

You have heard of the stereotypical Eastern European beauty, right? This culture and this gender imbalance are the reason girls are so invested in their looks: their looks are often the only way they have of getting ahead, or even getting a husband. It is super competitive, and the guys who are successful know the odds are in their favor.

I remember talking to an EE mother, who was so upset when she found out her little girl had to have glasses. She used to encourage her daughter to try to wear them as little as possible in the hope that her eyes would then get strong enough she wouldn't have to wear such a physically defiguring thing. This attitude was common. Young women wore super high heels in the EE snowy winters, tottering and slipping along the icy sidewalks and drifts. They were always in full makeup and with lots of perfume and formfitting clothes. They would spend what little money they had on beauty treatments. And again, I can't judge them. It is a really difficult world. Maybe if I were one of those girls, I would be eager to get the attention of one of those established, wealthy middle aged American men, too.

But never, ever would I do what OP has done and ignore the attention my husband paid to one of those girls. Big mistake, OP. You made a big mistake. You need to confront him now, and you need to tell him to stop communicating with her except at social events where you are in attendance. He should not be messaging her or offering to help her out with little things.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just reread your post and realize this woman is your NEIGHBOR. He's sending Signal messages to a woman who lives next to him. That is really bad.

[Anonymous]

OP, just ask your DH if he's heard anything from whatever her name is? Sounds like she doesn't reach out to you, so it would be a logical thing to ask: "Hey, we haven't seen/heard from Larla in a while. Do you ever hear from her? Wonder how she's doing." Watch/listen for reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

Yes, always. I saw this happen multiple times. Each time, the man was besotted with his young girlfriend, and each time, the humiliated American wife ended up moving home while the husband remarried his young girlfriend and enjoyed no change in social status among the expat community. It was very disheartening to watch how the other US men, married or not, really seemed to admire the man who had hooked up with a hot young EE girlfriend and discarded his middle aged wife. Before I left the US, I would never have imagined that this would be the case, to this degree. They had all seemed to be happily married, settled fathers prior to dumping their wives overseas. A lot of times the affairs wrecked their relationships with their children, but they didn't seem to care.

They usually had a new baby to start their new family fairly quickly, though were not pregnant at time of marriage. The girls really wanted a family experience.

The worst case was when a middle aged American man actually worked two offices down from his middle aged American wife. He started a blatant affair with a 21 year old EE secretary, and made no attempt to hide it when he moved out of the house he shared with his wife. She moved home and he married the young girl. He still works in the same job in that country. They have two young children now.

Yes, this culture does explain Melania. No woman in Eastern Europe thinks a stable provider is less than a catch, no matter what he looks like. They just don't have the same priorities.

I suppose I can understand the mindset, having seen the way many of these girls and their families grew up. But no way would I be happy if my DH were messaging one of them or hanging out with her, or showing her special attention. I know where that leads.

Wow my DH was on the path to an emotional affair with an EE woman who married a frumpy guy really young.. I knew that I had to nip it in the butt and I'm glad I did.