DH texting much younger woman on Signal, should I worry?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

This precisely explains Melania Trump.
Gold digging is one thing, and I understand the perspective of seeking a provider versus looks since looks fade anyway, but even I can't comprehend how someone could tolerate not only the abuse and vile personality but also the ghastly, repulsive looks of Donald Trump, and all the money in the world would not make having to sleep against that fat orange...thing... Jabba the Hutt ...every night, any less of a hell. It just shows you how ingrained this perspective is, which even Melania is now regretting. Not that I feel any sympathy for her, but she does appear miserable since being first lady to a fascist regime is NOT what she signed up for.

We don't know why she married Trump. Same with Bill, Hillary, or Michelle O. How do you know Melania is regretting marrying this guy? She could easily divorce and still be well off. Hillary, Bill or MO aren't the most attractive people either, nor do we know why their spouses married or stay married to them. Who cares, your post seems all about a political agenda. Not related to this topic.

I mean they certainly seem in love, right? Melania and Donald are always so joyous around each other. The warmth is palpable.

Well, maybe if you didn't deliberately choose a photo that only supports your view. Try not to be so obvious next time.

I’m not PP, but what about this? True love, right?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

I remember reading a magazine article years ago about American men who travel to places like Ukraine specifically to find wives. They often believe the women there treated them better than American women ever did.

This did use to be the case, but is far far less common now. However, as someone who has spent years in that region, I will note that PP's assessment of how people gauge partners is spot-on, as is their assessment of how North American men act in such a climate.

I saw men who I would have sworn were solid and committed partners just lose their minds when they realized that the women they could attract in Eastern Europe were "higher status" than women they were with. Up to and including grown-ass men dating girls. Not women, girls. They would tell themselves and anyone who would listen that it was cultural, but it was actually just gross.

No, it isn't. I worked in Kyiv for a long time (left very recently) and it was VERY common to see Western men there to meet women. Or "meet" them. There ARE still the big tour operations where Western men pay for a package and arrive to be introduced to dozens, sometimes hundreds, of gorgeous women who want to be picked.

Are these men marrying the women? What's stopping them from dumping the old dudes once they have their green cards?

Some of them do dump these guys. But others stay because they have limited ability to, or don't want to work.

Actually, more of them stayed married than you would think. I knew a lot of American/British men who had been working in the EE capital where I lived for years and had no plans to leave. In those cases, they were perceived as very high status/income by the locals and the women had no desire to go.

As for the ones who went back to the US, we used to wonder what would happen when the girl discovered that her man wasn't as high status/earning in America as he was in her country. However, in a lot of cases, her English wasn't great, or she didn't have the means to get a good job there herself, and stayed. I know a few who did leave the men back in the US after getting the green card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

Did they leave their wives?

Yes, always. I saw this happen multiple times. Each time, the man was besotted with his young girlfriend, and each time, the humiliated American wife ended up moving home while the husband remarried his young girlfriend and enjoyed no change in social status among the expat community. It was very disheartening to watch how the other US men, married or not, really seemed to admire the man who had hooked up with a hot young EE girlfriend and discarded his middle aged wife. Before I left the US, I would never have imagined that this would be the case, to this degree. They had all seemed to be happily married, settled fathers prior to dumping their wives overseas. A lot of times the affairs wrecked their relationships with their children, but they didn't seem to care.

They usually had a new baby to start their new family fairly quickly, though were not pregnant at time of marriage. The girls really wanted a family experience.

The worst case was when a middle aged American man actually worked two offices down from his middle aged American wife. He started a blatant affair with a 21 year old EE secretary, and made no attempt to hide it when he moved out of the house he shared with his wife. She moved home and he married the young girl. He still works in the same job in that country. They have two young children now.

Yes, this culture does explain Melania. No woman in Eastern Europe thinks a stable provider is less than a catch, no matter what he looks like. They just don't have the same priorities.

I suppose I can understand the mindset, having seen the way many of these girls and their families grew up. But no way would I be happy if my DH were messaging one of them or hanging out with her, or showing her special attention. I know where that leads.

I have worked with these EE women and the nasty men who marry them and saw first hand affairs go down and trailing male spouses marry these women and settle down. Two observations:
1. It is about more than money and security. These women love duping dumb Americans. They also love making old American women jealous. When you are upset they are super trilled!!!

2. We think you old men with young women are disgusting. We (I’m Ukrainian, FWIW) think the woman are low-rent girls from the village with no education who could do no more than lay in their backs to get ahead.

You sure are jealous and racist against EE women. Plenty of low rent people everywhere, on this board in fact.

If you have a spouse that cheats, you've married a low rent person right there. That's the bigger problem IMO.

1. YOU are rather arrogantly eager to dismiss the unfortunate, grinding poverty and injustices with which many people grow up and live. These are the reasons for the way they view dating and mating. Insisting that women everywhere have the same opportunities and goals is horribly misogynistic, and only shows off your own ignorance. Have you lived in EE? No? Then learn a little bit from people who have.

2. And having seen all of this play out in EE, I would disagree with the term "low rent." Yes, many of the women were poor, but I was in the capital, and many of them were college educated and generally good people. They did the best with what they had. It is very hard to get ahead in that place, especially if you are a woman. It was sad and depressing to watch, but again, I am sympathetic to the circumstances of others. I might be doing the same if I had been born into that situation.

I had friends who were locals and I went to their homes. It is a different world, and very hard, if not impossible, for most people to get out of there. Not all of those girls were malicious or just out to mess with the foreigners. Many really did want a family and a man who would love her, not drink, and provide comfort and security she could only dream about.

You're lumping all EE women into the same category which is wrong. Now you're trying to back peddle and spin it around. Again not related to OP's problem. Her husband may be cheating with a neighbor. Something OP needs to address right away even if she doesn't like confrontations.

1. You struggle a lot with reading comprehension, don't you? No, I'm hardly "lumping all EE women into the same category." I'm explaining that the culture from which they come is vastly different from ours, and trying to briefly summarize some reasons/differences based on what I saw while living in EE for many years. A person's culture really does influence the values and habits they hold as an adult, in most (not all) situations.

I'm not "back peddling" at all. I stand by what I'm saying. I lived in EE for a very long time, and recently, and it is a different world from the one you know.

2. It is absolutely "related to OP's problem"! Again, reading comprehension.

If you moved to another country with a very different culture, you would find that you don't magically adjust to the dominant standards and views. The place you grew up, and the values and ideas you heard your parents, grandparents, friends, and those around you voicing shapes you more than you know.

[Anonymous]

I don't care about EE women..just wanna know what happened with OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

This precisely explains Melania Trump.
Gold digging is one thing, and I understand the perspective of seeking a provider versus looks since looks fade anyway, but even I can't comprehend how someone could tolerate not only the abuse and vile personality but also the ghastly, repulsive looks of Donald Trump, and all the money in the world would not make having to sleep against that fat orange...thing... Jabba the Hutt ...every night, any less of a hell. It just shows you how ingrained this perspective is, which even Melania is now regretting. Not that I feel any sympathy for her, but she does appear miserable since being first lady to a fascist regime is NOT what she signed up for.

We don't know why she married Trump. Same with Bill, Hillary, or Michelle O. How do you know Melania is regretting marrying this guy? She could easily divorce and still be well off. Hillary, Bill or MO aren't the most attractive people either, nor do we know why their spouses married or stay married to them. Who cares, your post seems all about a political agenda. Not related to this topic.

I mean they certainly seem in love, right? Melania and Donald are always so joyous around each other. The warmth is palpable.

Well, maybe if you didn't deliberately choose a photo that only supports your view. Try not to be so obvious next time.

I’m not PP, but what about this? True love, right?

Politics aside, this poster NAILED IT. I know someone who is in their 70's. He has been married three times, all ex-wives are Asian (in his case), each having had one child with him. He was not involved with his children at all. He just got married again - this time to an Asian (Phillipina) woman with a teenage son - she is in her thirties. He is a realtor, she was a receptionist at his office, and she was absolutely looking for what you describe here. I don't know that the women who do this publicly state what they are doing, but often times, it is very obvious. He made her a partner in his realtor firm, so she will have some skills when he is no longer around (he is not getting any younger). She just got pregnant. He is building her a new house near their current house, and they take about twenty of her closest family members on vacation to Europe and over seas often. Did I mention he is loaded? Who is she to complain about his wrinkly sack, I suppose? "True love"???? Probably not. These women are leaving a terrible situation behind, have little or no options, and anyone who questions it is frozen out.

[Anonymous]

Op, any updates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember your thread, and I think I replied on it.

My response is the same. I spent a number of years in Eastern Europe, and I am familiar with the cultural attitudes toward young women/older men AND I watched a number of expat marriages implode due to middle aged (or older) men having affairs with young women who threw themselves at them.

You have good reason to worry. I would never, ever have just let this go, and I'm not surprised it is progressing in this way.

Your DH's age means nothing in this situation.

Is it a cultural thing that young Eastern european women are into old men?

In the two EE countries where I lived, relationships were not based so much on the guy being young and hot. It was more about whether he was a good provider who could take care of her. In one of the EE countries (I lived there for 5 years), men had a vastly shorter predicted lifespan due to widespread alcohol use (also cultural). To put it simply, there was a lot more competition for the good guys. And most people lived in relative poverty. If you grow up in that culture, your perspective is going to be different from that of a middle class white American girl who grew up in a comfy suburb with everything she needed/wanted. In that culture, a young hot guy who is an alcoholic or who lives in a tiny, dark Soviet era flat and isn't ever getting out is simply not something you would see as desirable. An older, established guy who can take care of you and offer a better life is going to be a great pick and there will be tons of young women competing for him. Nobody is commenting on his age.

Again, I saw this play out so many times with expat couples where the middle aged or older man had an affair with one or more of the gorgeous young women who swarmed him. These guys never got that kind of attention in the US. The girls were happy to have an older, paunchy American husband who offered them a standard of living beyond anything they could have hoped for if they stuck with "young hot" guys they knew from school or their (ugly, cramped, overpopulated) blocks of flats.

The way you think of and assess mates is completely different.

This precisely explains Melania Trump.
Gold digging is one thing, and I understand the perspective of seeking a provider versus looks since looks fade anyway, but even I can't comprehend how someone could tolerate not only the abuse and vile personality but also the ghastly, repulsive looks of Donald Trump, and all the money in the world would not make having to sleep against that fat orange...thing... Jabba the Hutt ...every night, any less of a hell. It just shows you how ingrained this perspective is, which even Melania is now regretting. Not that I feel any sympathy for her, but she does appear miserable since being first lady to a fascist regime is NOT what she signed up for.

Well he wasn't quite that terrible looking when they met and married. She did however sign up for that personality and assholishness.