Anyone divorce over the house being a disaster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read this article and show your husband it as well...

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_n_9055288

"She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink"

"...She will never agree with him, because for her, it’s not ACTUALLY about the glass. The glass situation could be ANY situation in which she feels unappreciated and disrespected by her husband.

The wife doesn’t want to divorce her husband because he leaves used drinking glasses by the sink.

She wants to divorce him because she feels like he doesn’t respect or appreciate her, which suggests he doesn’t love her, and she can’t count on him to be her lifelong partner. She can’t trust him. She can’t be safe with him. Thus, she must leave and find a new situation in which she can feel content and secure.

In theory, the man wants to fight this fight, because he thinks he’s right (and I tend to agree with him): The dirty glass is not more important than marital peace.

If his wife thought and felt like him, he’d be right to defend himself. Unfortunately, most guys don’t know that she’s NOT fighting about the glass. She’s fighting for acknowledgment, respect, validation, and his love."

Other than the fact that I have explained to him many times why this upsets me so much (not just the lack of respect/appreciation, but also why it makes me life affirmatively harder), that hits the nail on the head. It’s not really about the mess so much as that the mess makes me question whether he cares about me, whether he loves me, whether this is a secure marriage and whether is he someone I can trust and rely upon, both practically and emotionally. I hate being at home because I don’t feel safe and secure in my home anymore.

This sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you willing to see your kids half the time and every other Christmas or thanksgiving because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to have less money, and to tell your kids they can’t do certain activities, or take certain trips, or have certain things because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to limit yourself personally and professionally because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to tell your kids their family broke up because daddy is a slob?

Just think really hard about what divorce actually looks like before making any decisions.

I haven’t decided what to do yet, but but if I do, it will be because I think divorce is better, despite those trade-offs. I would hate to only see my kids half time, but at least their home environment would be more functional and stable during that half time than it is 100% of the time now. I don’t care about money, I can support myself and the kids in what I earn, and I think fewer toys and trips is worth the trade-off for better day-to-day life as kids and as adults. The kids are young, but they’re not blind to who their father is, they get frustrated with him too. If we divorced, I could provide them a more secure home base than they have right now, even they were only here half the time.

Translation: I want what I want, and kids be damned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why people should live together at least a year before marriage. You learn what the person is like on a day-to-day basis and how amenable they are to change.

During this period, the woman will overlook all the things she later finds intolerable, so this won’t work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate being in my home. Every time my DH comes through a space, he leaves it a totally disaster and takes no responsibility for cleaning up after himself. Food spills on the counter, dirty socks all over the living room, torn open envelopes from the mail just left on the table, he got our kids fish tanks that now he never bothers to clean, got out the ladder and some tools to clear an object from the satellite tv dish and then just left them in the backyard, video game shit all over the living room table, etc. There is not one room in the house I can go to that he hasn’t absolutely trashed. Right now he’s in the basement looking for something, I can hear him overturning boxes Andy I know he won’t repack the, so I’ll have to do it later.

Yes, he has ADHD, but he refuses to treat it even though we have talked extensively about it affects the rest of the family (I and our two kids also have it, which means that when the house starts getting cluttered, things get lost and everything quickly spin so into chaos). Life is just so much easier and calmer when he travels for work, and I’m tired of spending every waking moment trying to maintain some sense of calm and order in the house. I’m just so tired every moment I am in this tornado-wake of a house.

I know. Seriously, it’s like living with a bear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

I don’t want a stranger in my personal space all the time, I want a functional partner. Not only is he undermining me, but he’s also undermining our kids, they need to learn the strategies that will help them manage their ADHD, and it’s a lot harder for them to do so when their father no only isn’t actively involved in that, but is instead throwing up roadblocks along the way. He would still be their father if we divorced, but at least my home could be a place where they could work on these skills without so many impediments.

And meanwhile the kids would have a whole new set of psychological issues to work on thanks to the divorce. Great job, mom, you removed the "impediment" known as dad only to create lots of new impediments to their happiness and well-being.

SMH

This, OP, is the bottom line.
BTW, can you afford a storage unit to get a bunch of the stuff out?

[Anonymous]

What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you willing to see your kids half the time and every other Christmas or thanksgiving because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to have less money, and to tell your kids they can’t do certain activities, or take certain trips, or have certain things because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to limit yourself personally and professionally because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to tell your kids their family broke up because daddy is a slob?

Just think really hard about what divorce actually looks like before making any decisions.

I haven’t decided what to do yet, but but if I do, it will be because I think divorce is better, despite those trade-offs. I would hate to only see my kids half time, but at least their home environment would be more functional and stable during that half time than it is 100% of the time now. I don’t care about money, I can support myself and the kids in what I earn, and I think fewer toys and trips is worth the trade-off for better day-to-day life as kids and as adults. The kids are young, but they’re not blind to who their father is, they get frustrated with him too. If we divorced, I could provide them a more secure home base than they have right now, even they were only here half the time.

Translation: I want what I want, and kids be damned.

Exactly. Op, you are delusional. There's NOTHING stable about kids getting split between two "homes". Please get yourself a therapist to better cope with your limitations. Perhaps DH will join you with a separate marriage counselor. But get someone who really values intact families, at least until the children are gone. If he's beating you, that's different of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

I don’t want a stranger in my personal space all the time, I want a functional partner. Not only is he undermining me, but he’s also undermining our kids, they need to learn the strategies that will help them manage their ADHD, and it’s a lot harder for them to do so when their father no only isn’t actively involved in that, but is instead throwing up roadblocks along the way. He would still be their father if we divorced, but at least my home could be a place where they could work on these skills without so many impediments.

And meanwhile the kids would have a whole new set of psychological issues to work on thanks to the divorce. Great job, mom, you removed the "impediment" known as dad only to create lots of new impediments to their happiness and well-being.

SMH

This, OP, is the bottom line.
BTW, can you afford a storage unit to get a bunch of the stuff out?

Does a storage unit wipe up food spills and throw out trash?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

That’s part of it, but not all. Yesterday morning kind of typified what it’s like. I needed to charge my phone but didn’t have a charger because DH had taken mine to work with him on Friday to charge his iPad (he has an android phone, so his charger doesn’t help me) and left it there. So I had to head to Target for a new one, and asked DH to please help the kids find all of their soccer stuff before their mid-morning games. I come back to the the kids fighting over a soccer stuff because they can only find three socks between them, and DH is playing video games. I help the, search the house, no socks. So it occurs to me to check the cars. None in mine, because we’re supposed to be working with the kids on keeping track of their things during transitions, which they both struggle with, and I make sure they check they’ve taken everything out of the back seat whenever we get home. Check Dh’s car and find five socks balled up under the seats, because he does not bother working with the kids on transitions even though the ADHD therapist specifically talked to us about doing so. And then after soccer I set about cleaning the house, picking up all of the garbage he’d left around, vacuuming out all of the food crumbs he’d spilled into couch cushions, mopping the kitchen floor from where he’d dropped jam on it and didn’t bother to clean it up. While he watched reruns of Bering Sea Gold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone with ADD is messy. I'm ADD and cannot stand messes. My house is spotless. Sounds like a lame ass excuse for being a pig. I could never live with someone like that.

So, because your house is spotless, no one can legitimately use ADHD as an explanation for their messiness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would focus on the real issue which is divorcing because DH refuses to get help for his ADHD....that is the problem...the mess is just a byproduct

This!

+2 The problem is untreated ADHD - and, yes, I divorced my husband because of his refusal to treat it.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs treatment. It's a condition,5 there are some options. Now if he refuses treatment that's another thing. How was he when you married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

That’s part of it, but not all. Yesterday morning kind of typified what it’s like. I needed to charge my phone but didn’t have a charger because DH had taken mine to work with him on Friday to charge his iPad (he has an android phone, so his charger doesn’t help me) and left it there. So I had to head to Target for a new one, and asked DH to please help the kids find all of their soccer stuff before their mid-morning games. I come back to the the kids fighting over a soccer stuff because they can only find three socks between them, and DH is playing video games. I help the, search the house, no socks. So it occurs to me to check the cars. None in mine, because we’re supposed to be working with the kids on keeping track of their things during transitions, which they both struggle with, and I make sure they check they’ve taken everything out of the back seat whenever we get home. Check Dh’s car and find five socks balled up under the seats, because he does not bother working with the kids on transitions even though the ADHD therapist specifically talked to us about doing so. And then after soccer I set about cleaning the house, picking up all of the garbage he’d left around, vacuuming out all of the food crumbs he’d spilled into couch cushions, mopping the kitchen floor from where he’d dropped jam on it and didn’t bother to clean it up. While he watched reruns of Bering Sea Gold.

Do you really think it would be easier if he had the kids 1/2 the time and nothing went well while they were with him? It might be easier to ask him to do nothing but bring home a paycheck, and don't loan him anything of yours--make him stop by target on the way to work instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

That’s part of it, but not all. Yesterday morning kind of typified what it’s like. I needed to charge my phone but didn’t have a charger because DH had taken mine to work with him on Friday to charge his iPad (he has an android phone, so his charger doesn’t help me) and left it there. So I had to head to Target for a new one, and asked DH to please help the kids find all of their soccer stuff before their mid-morning games. I come back to the the kids fighting over a soccer stuff because they can only find three socks between them, and DH is playing video games. I help the, search the house, no socks. So it occurs to me to check the cars. None in mine, because we’re supposed to be working with the kids on keeping track of their things during transitions, which they both struggle with, and I make sure they check they’ve taken everything out of the back seat whenever we get home. Check Dh’s car and find five socks balled up under the seats, because he does not bother working with the kids on transitions even though the ADHD therapist specifically talked to us about doing so. And then after soccer I set about cleaning the house, picking up all of the garbage he’d left around, vacuuming out all of the food crumbs he’d spilled into couch cushions, mopping the kitchen floor from where he’d dropped jam on it and didn’t bother to clean it up. While he watched reruns of Bering Sea Gold.

Do you really think it would be easier if he had the kids 1/2 the time and nothing went well while they were with him? It might be easier to ask him to do nothing but bring home a paycheck, and don't loan him anything of yours--make him stop by target on the way to work instead.

It would be harder when they were with him, but right now it’s 100% chaos. If we split, either he’d finally get his act together when he didn’t have anyone covering for his screw-ups, or he’d keep acting the way he does now and then yes, it would be challenging for the kids when they were at his house, but at least when they were at my house they’d have the calm and structure they need. If would do literally nothing but bring home a paycheck and I didn’t have to clean up the messes he leaves everywhere, that would be easier than the current situation.

As for not loaning him things, I didn’t loan him the charger. He went into my nightstand and took it. When you’re responsible about putting your own shit away properly, the downside is that other people know where to find it when they want to take it from you without asking. It’s like a need a freaking combination safe in my closet to keep him from making chaos of my stuff too. And as for the Target run, his solution was that he’d do it on his way home from work on Monday, which wouldn’t help me for three days with a dead cell phone.

[Anonymous]

OP, my husband does pretty much all of this, minus the video games. He is absent minded, sloppy, forgetful, etc. we both work, though my hours are longer, and I maintain anything to do with money. I spent a couple of years in a constant state of rage and resentment. Then, I dunno, a couple things clicked.

1) our kids are elementary school now, so I sleep more
2) I do more cleaning, all the time, but I also just ignore some things. His car is a disaster but I do not use it. His bureau is a disaster, etc. but I ignore it.
3) around the house: we have an after-school sitter/nanny that I've hired on additional hours to do some tasks like laundry, dishes, etc so that I am not spending all my time cleaning and caring for house.
4). I make DH do a lot of other things that do not require organizatinon. All the grocery shopping, errands,s doctors appts with kids, etc.
5) yes, there are a ton of times when I get really frustrated--he forgets appointments, cant find things, etc. When it affects me or the kids I step in. When it affects him I rarely do (though I will help him find things if its easy, like I know exactly where his keys are but I am not going to drive myself crazy trying to find something he lost).
6) I devote a few hours a week to organizing, usually Sundays. He takes the kids out and does errands while I do this.
7) I remind myself of the fact that despite these flaws, he is a good husband and father. trustworthy, would not grumble at going to cvs at 3 am if I needed something, values me and my work.
8) I had to stop looking at his sloppiness as a moral failing or a reflection of lack of care for me and look at it as a personality flaw, as HIS problem. I still give myself permission to get angry or frustrated if he really effs up, but most of the time I have accepted it as annoying, even disappinting, but dont get caught up in cycles of resentment, blame. It helps that DH acknowledges he has these issues. He didn't at first, but now that he does, it helps. He tries to make up for it in different ways and balance things out.

I dont have a perfect solution, of course. But I also know that if we were to separate, I would still have to manage so much, and things would be more chaotic, because not under my direct control.