Anyone divorce over the house being a disaster?

[Anonymous]

I hate being in my home. Every time my DH comes through a space, he leaves it a totally disaster and takes no responsibility for cleaning up after himself. Food spills on the counter, dirty socks all over the living room, torn open envelopes from the mail just left on the table, he got our kids fish tanks that now he never bothers to clean, got out the ladder and some tools to clear an object from the satellite tv dish and then just left them in the backyard, video game shit all over the living room table, etc. There is not one room in the house I can go to that he hasn’t absolutely trashed. Right now he’s in the basement looking for something, I can hear him overturning boxes Andy I know he won’t repack the, so I’ll have to do it later.

Yes, he has ADHD, but he refuses to treat it even though we have talked extensively about it affects the rest of the family (I and our two kids also have it, which means that when the house starts getting cluttered, things get lost and everything quickly spin so into chaos). Life is just so much easier and calmer when he travels for work, and I’m tired of spending every waking moment trying to maintain some sense of calm and order in the house. I’m just so tired every moment I am in this tornado-wake of a house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate being in my home. Every time my DH comes through a space, he leaves it a totally disaster and takes no responsibility for cleaning up after himself. Food spills on the counter, dirty socks all over the living room, torn open envelopes from the mail just left on the table, he got our kids fish tanks that now he never bothers to clean, got out the ladder and some tools to clear an object from the satellite tv dish and then just left them in the backyard, video game shit all over the living room table, etc. There is not one room in the house I can go to that he hasn’t absolutely trashed. Right now he’s in the basement looking for something, I can hear him overturning boxes Andy I know he won’t repack the, so I’ll have to do it later.

Yes, he has ADHD, but he refuses to treat it even though we have talked extensively about it affects the rest of the family (I and our two kids also have it, which means that when the house starts getting cluttered, things get lost and everything quickly spin so into chaos). Life is just so much easier and calmer when he travels for work, and I’m tired of spending every waking moment trying to maintain some sense of calm and order in the house. I’m just so tired every moment I am in this tornado-wake of a house.

Is there a space that's just his? Like a desk or an office?

Huck all his leftover shit in there and close the door. If he complains, tell him you're not his maid and that he has no right to impose his sloveliness on the rest of the house.

I too have a sloppy husband with ADHD who literally doesn't see the messes he makes. So into his study go all those empty envelopes, dropped socks, unfolded laundry, etc. I close the door and let him deal.

[Anonymous]

A housekeeper would be cheaper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a space that's just his? Like a desk or an office?

Huck all his leftover shit in there and close the door. If he complains, tell him you're not his maid and that he has no right to impose his sloveliness on the rest of the house.

I too have a sloppy husband with ADHD who literally doesn't see the messes he makes. So into his study go all those empty envelopes, dropped socks, unfolded laundry, etc. I close the door and let him deal.

There is, we made one for just this reason. But it still means I have to sort through everything to figure out what’s his (he also puts zero effort into getting the kids to clean up their stuff when he’s on his own with the kids, which means I have to be the bad guy who rides them to do it after I get home) and then things that are joint (like tools, tax papers, etc.) that I don’t want to lose, I still have to take responsibility for cleaning up and putting away. Not to mention the regular cleaning of dishes, running laundry, etc. For the poster who will inevitably ask, yes, I do work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

I would focus on the real issue which is divorcing because DH refuses to get help for his ADHD....that is the problem...the mess is just a byproduct

[Anonymous]

I agree with the housekeeper suggestion. I'm a woman, maybe just slightly 'better' about it than your husband, but I'm kind of the same.

A cleaner, even every other week, forces me to straighten up. I have to consolidate the books into stacks and all the other crap before they come, so they spend their time really cleaning and not just making piles and moving piles around. Eventually, I got tired of stacking papers and receipts and puzzle/game boxes etc and learned to not keep so much (because I was confronted with it every other week during frantic pre-cleaning cleanup). I could go on, but you get the gist. I also really liked having a sparkling clean house and not having a panic attack every time there was a possibility that someone might drop by. It took a few months, but I did learn to pick up something if it fell on the floor and put things away somewhat.

Wellbutrin helps me "see" the things I used to not acknowledge.

If your reply is that he wouldn't bother to help clean up at all before the cleaners come and he wouldn't even try to learn to do a better job as your partner, and if that's 100% true, then that's a huge issue that goes way beyond absent-mindedness. I have ADD but I'm also married (to a type A) and a person has to work at making it work if they want it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

+1. If this is your only issue with him, get a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

I don’t want a stranger in my personal space all the time, I want a functional partner. Not only is he undermining me, but he’s also undermining our kids, they need to learn the strategies that will help them manage their ADHD, and it’s a lot harder for them to do so when their father no only isn’t actively involved in that, but is instead throwing up roadblocks along the way. He would still be their father if we divorced, but at least my home could be a place where they could work on these skills without so many impediments.

[Anonymous]

Well, OP, it sounds like your mind is made up.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to see your kids half the time and every other Christmas or thanksgiving because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to have less money, and to tell your kids they can’t do certain activities, or take certain trips, or have certain things because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to limit yourself personally and professionally because your DH is a slob?

Are you willing to tell your kids their family broke up because daddy is a slob?

Just think really hard about what divorce actually looks like before making any decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: But it still means I have to sort through everything to figure out what’s his (he also puts zero effort into getting the kids to clean up their stuff when he’s on his own with the kids, which means I have to be the bad guy who rides them to do it after I get home) and then things that are joint (like tools, tax papers, etc.) that I don’t want to lose, I still have to take responsibility for cleaning up and putting away.

NP here. Are there housekeepers who sort through their employers' papers, tools, and other personal items? Do they charge a higher rate than housekeepers who only clean?

[Anonymous]

I just clean clean clean. It really isn’t that bad. Morning afternoon and night every room gets a once over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

I don’t want a stranger in my personal space all the time, I want a functional partner. Not only is he undermining me, but he’s also undermining our kids, they need to learn the strategies that will help them manage their ADHD, and it’s a lot harder for them to do so when their father no only isn’t actively involved in that, but is instead throwing up roadblocks along the way. He would still be their father if we divorced, but at least my home could be a place where they could work on these skills without so many impediments.

And meanwhile the kids would have a whole new set of psychological issues to work on thanks to the divorce. Great job, mom, you removed the "impediment" known as dad only to create lots of new impediments to their happiness and well-being.

SMH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would focus on the real issue which is divorcing because DH refuses to get help for his ADHD....that is the problem...the mess is just a byproduct

This!

[Anonymous]

This is why people should live together at least a year before marriage. You learn what the person is like on a day-to-day basis and how amenable they are to change.