Anyone divorce over the house being a disaster?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

That’s part of it, but not all. Yesterday morning kind of typified what it’s like. I needed to charge my phone but didn’t have a charger because DH had taken mine to work with him on Friday to charge his iPad (he has an android phone, so his charger doesn’t help me) and left it there. So I had to head to Target for a new one, and asked DH to please help the kids find all of their soccer stuff before their mid-morning games. I come back to the the kids fighting over a soccer stuff because they can only find three socks between them, and DH is playing video games. I help the, search the house, no socks. So it occurs to me to check the cars. None in mine, because we’re supposed to be working with the kids on keeping track of their things during transitions, which they both struggle with, and I make sure they check they’ve taken everything out of the back seat whenever we get home. Check Dh’s car and find five socks balled up under the seats, because he does not bother working with the kids on transitions even though the ADHD therapist specifically talked to us about doing so. And then after soccer I set about cleaning the house, picking up all of the garbage he’d left around, vacuuming out all of the food crumbs he’d spilled into couch cushions, mopping the kitchen floor from where he’d dropped jam on it and didn’t bother to clean it up. While he watched reruns of Bering Sea Gold.

You sound like an exhausting pain in the ass. He'll be way happier without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

+1. If this is your only issue with him, get a housekeeper.

Stop. Please stop.

I am sorry, but a housekeeper isn't going to fix this - it's naive to think so. This isn't not cleaning the bathroom for a few weeks, this is a daily garbage dump of a mess. I know because I could be the husband. If I didn't have some standard for myself this is exactly what my house would be like. The OP's husband has no such standard. You need someone in the house every morning to spend an hour picking up after the husband as if he were a toddler. This isn't a weekly cleaning service type issue.

OP, I'd do two things: 1) take the time to sort the stuff you want or need and then throw the rest in his space as previously suggested. It will save you some time/heartache b/c you were going to get stuck with it anyway; and 2) probably counseling for you to decide if you want to issue and ultimatum that he get treatment or move out. Perhaps that will make him take this seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A housekeeper would be cheaper.

+1. If this is your only issue with him, get a housekeeper.

Housekeepers don’t organize/put crap away. They just move the crap to clean under/around it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is it that you need to be able to find? Mail and financial stuff? Can you just be the one in charge of that and not give it to him unless it is his only, or maybe make copies of whatever he needs to see but keep the originals and file everything in a file?

I realize you shouldn't have to do that, but I'm thinking then you could just throw all his mess in his designated room without worrying whether you need any of it.

That’s part of it, but not all. Yesterday morning kind of typified what it’s like. I needed to charge my phone but didn’t have a charger because DH had taken mine to work with him on Friday to charge his iPad (he has an android phone, so his charger doesn’t help me) and left it there. So I had to head to Target for a new one, and asked DH to please help the kids find all of their soccer stuff before their mid-morning games. I come back to the the kids fighting over a soccer stuff because they can only find three socks between them, and DH is playing video games. I help the, search the house, no socks. So it occurs to me to check the cars. None in mine, because we’re supposed to be working with the kids on keeping track of their things during transitions, which they both struggle with, and I make sure they check they’ve taken everything out of the back seat whenever we get home. Check Dh’s car and find five socks balled up under the seats, because he does not bother working with the kids on transitions even though the ADHD therapist specifically talked to us about doing so. And then after soccer I set about cleaning the house, picking up all of the garbage he’d left around, vacuuming out all of the food crumbs he’d spilled into couch cushions, mopping the kitchen floor from where he’d dropped jam on it and didn’t bother to clean it up. While he watched reruns of Bering Sea Gold.

And when you said, "Hey Larlo, WTH are you doing? The kids don't have their soccer stuff together!" What did he say?

[Anonymous]

If he’s going to act like a child, treat him like a child. Take the video game controllers with you. Don’t tell him. Let him think he lost them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s going to act like a child, treat him like a child. Take the video game controllers with you. Don’t tell him. Let him think he lost them.

OMG, I would totally have done this. The controllers just vanish. If he can't find them...well, there's lots of things he can't find, aren't there?

And I would deal only with the stuff I have to. Anything that's his that gets left out gets tossed into his study or by his side of the bed. Deal with the bills and the kids, and everything else is on him. And since you have to do way more work because he's a giant slob and so you have to check his car for the kids' socks, I'd stop doing his laundry, and any other chore that only benefits him, entirely. I also wouldn't be running errands for him, ever. Make your house as organized as possible with respect to you and the kids' stuff, and just let him deal with his own crap.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:
1) I think it’s helpful to sort out the stuff that’s adhd related versus the stuff that is purely disrespectful. Having trouble putting things away is adhd related. Stealing your phone charger is just disrespect. Focus on the latter when you talk to him about your frustration.
2) what do your kids do after school? If you can find a good person, you might be better off with an after-school nanny/house manager rather than after care. She can help make sure the common areas are cleaned up and that the kids at least put away their stuff when they get home and before you guys get home from work.
3) I think you could all really benefit from a household organizer that works with all of you to set up an organizational system that will work with your stuff and your lifestyle. I know from myself (adult adhd) and my kids that it is infinitely easier when there is a system in place and a habit developed so my brain does not have to do the extra work of figuring all that organizational stuff out every time. I know you probably feel like you already have a system that he does not follow but sometimes there is a real benefit to having a fresh start and with his and the kids’ input into what system will work. Sometimes ease of th system is key—for instance, my kids won’t put away their video games if they have to put them nearly on a shelf, but will toss them in an open basket. Or, for instance, instead of individual charging cords, just get one of those docking stations that has the things attached so there is nothing to remove. Or cordless chargers. For every problem, there is a solution and if you hire someone to just come up with those solutions, you don’t have to fight about them.
It would be great if you can then set up a whole family incentive system —- eg, if everyone’s stuff is away on Saturday night, you can order in and have a family video game competition. Or you’ll put a 20 in the vacation jar to upgrade to a nicer hotel or whatever. And you need to praise the hell out of both him and the kids when you see them following the system (irritating but research show it works). Good luck!