Guilt over having an only child

[Anonymous]

I’m 40 and I’m an only child and it’s awesome. Growing up at least one of my parents was at every game, play, dance recital, etc. my parents were frequent volunteers for Band boosters, could always carpool extra kids, and generally be there for me so that I could do a zillion extra curricular of my choosing. We went on vacations and only needed 1 room. It’s easy to get a table for 3 at a restaurant. I don’t have any sibling drama and my parents are great, involved grandparents to my kids.

There are so many great things about being an only child as long as your parents have good boundaries and aren’t over protective, don’t put all their hopes and dreams on you as their “one chance”, and are able to give you appropriate freedom and independence as you go your teens and twenties. I definitely know some fellow only children who have very interdependent relationships with their parents and that’s tough for someone to marry into.

[Anonymous]

I was a lonely only. I agree that if he seems lonely you should get him a pet. There are hypoallergenic dogs. Cats, birds, turtles, whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is imperfect, op. We do the best we can as we go along. You have a lovely child, I'm sure. If he's lonely, look at getting him involved in clubs, maybe Cub Scouts or something like that, where he'll feel part of a larger group of friends.

+1 OP also keep up those relationships with the relatives. They don't develop on their own. Cousin relationships are special and can be incredibly close and long-lasting.

Thanks. We do have him involved in several activities; which is sometimes hard to keep up with both of us working full time and him getting exhausted. DC also has cousins, but they are 10+ years older.

I'd say focus on the ones that allow him plenty of interaction with other kids, then. Things like robotics, where they have to work together to solve a problem, or sports with a bit of down time in the middle of the action. Busy doesn't necessarily mean social, especially if there's a lot of travel time involved on either side of an hour-long practice.


My only child has gravitated toward Girl Scouts, where she has a core group of girls who have been together since first grade. They don't always agree on everything, and as they've grown the things they have in common have ebbed and flowed, but they always have to find a way to work together in the end—just like siblings. I wouldn't necessarily say they're all close friends, but neither are siblings, necessarily.

Mine sometimes says she's lonely, and occasionally expressed a desire for a sibling when she was younger, but usually a day spent with a friend with younger siblings hanging around is enough to cure that! Her friends' parents say she's always great about including the younger siblings, but when she comes home she usually says it was kind of exhausting and frustrating.

The biggest issue she's found is that at sleepaway camp, she sometimes has a really hard time dealing with having that many people in her space for so long. Once the initial post-camp burst of energy subsides, she'll shut herself in her room for a full day, just to decompress and enjoy the peace and quiet. Even at sleepovers, I'll sometime notice she's slipped off to read when the other girls get really energetic and loud.

Not sure how much of that is being an only child, though, and how much is just a bit of natural introversion. But I have a younger sister, and I was probably the same way. Still am, I guess, now that I think about it.


I think our only serious concern about having an only child is how that might affect her as WE grow older. It can be good to have others who can pitch in and help as parents get older, but it can also be a real source of frustration and conflict—between us, my husband and I have seen all shades of this on the various sides of our families. I think we've come to realize that it's extra-important for us to have our own plans in place long before she should ever need to implement them.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I get it OP. We went back and forth for 5 years on whether we wanted a second, finally made the decision that we were going to go for it, only to find out it's essentially impossible. I'm lucky that my son (6) seems to not want a sibling. He has never asked, and was relieved when his cousin got a baby brother and I told him he would probably never have a baby sibling.

Even so, it's hard to see families with more than one kid and think of what he might be missing. For instance, we usually get together with family and/or friends for Easter, but this year people had other plans and I'm thinking...an easter egg hunt is sort of lame with just one kid, you know? He will still have fun, but that second kid adds a built in playmate.

But like others say, there are many benefits too. In my family of 4 kids it was definitely 2 different worlds - the adult world and the kid world. In our house, its the 3 of us. I'm hoping that continues into his adulthood. Having parents who can also be friends later in life is a gift that I never got.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For background: got pregnant at 42. Found the post-partum period challenging, and our DC was sick with several ear infections and never slept. My desire to have another child was non-existent. By the time DC was about 4, I figured it was too late (late 40s). Now at 50 with an 8 year old, I feel regret. My DC recently visited relatives and I was sent a photo of DC playing with an infant, and felt enormous remorse. My child often says he's lonely. Have we made a big mistake?

when do you think you made the mistake - when you didn't try for a second in mid-fourties? it is very possible that you would have been unsuccessful but spend loads of money and risk your health.

it is what it is. i have 3 kids and there are some advantages to being an only. kids ask for siblings all the time but that doesn't mean they understand what that means and that they would want them if they understood it. it's all moot point now.

[Anonymous]

“What is without remedy must be without regard. What is done is done.”

For what it’s worth, I loved being an only child and still have an amazing relationship with my parents. We hadn’t fully decided to have a “one and only” but having twins sort of answered that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids but feel super guilty sometimes that there is no way for me to provide them a house with a yard (without a horrible commute). I think guilt is just part of the parenting experience.

Yup. We have four kids although the chaos of a large family is fun, I also feel guilty that each kid can't get the attention their friends who are onlies get. I have one kid whose best friend is an only child and she is a little jealous of how quiet her friend's house is and how she can sign up for whatever activities she wants whereas we have to limit things around here. The best friend loves coming to our house where there is so much noise and energy. Grass is always greener...

[Anonymous]

We are a one and done family of 3. DD is only 7, but after a rough pregnancy (borderline HG and SPD) I have felt no pull to have another child. I'm 38, so there's still some time, but at this point I cannot fathom "starting over". It's incredibly awesome having a child that can take care of themselves (for the most part).

Yes, DD would have LOVED a sibling (and would be an amazing big sister), but we'll most likely get a pet in the near future. She has cousins her age, but unfortunately they live in other states. She does have good friends and we try to have playdates often. She's involved in activities (girl scouts, soccer, and swimming), and it's wonderful knowing one of us will be there. We do often take other kids as well.

Will I feel differently in 10 years? Maybe. My concern is moreso when DH and I are older and tough decisions need to be made. I don't want that all on her, so we are keeping up with the paperwork (will, trust, power of attorney, etc) and making sure last wishes and all are written down. While she won't have a sibling to "shoulder the decisions", hopefully she will have a spouse, friends, cousins, etc.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I are only children. We have 3 kids though. I do miss having a sibling, but then again that is an idealizing viewpoint, a good relationship with siblings is not a given....ever.

We only get to live one life, not a whole bunch of different variations. Regrets are useless.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that you are doing a disservice to your child by having one, OP. I love my brother, we are only a year apart, and are still close. My two boys are best friends. DH and his sister.....they get along and she's a nice person but they are five years apart and aren't really "close". They have become closer as adults but MIL said they never played together as kids. It was like having two different childhoods according to her. Both of them had very close neighborhood friends and they are much closer to them (even today) than they ever were to one another. I know plenty of siblings who hate one another and only deal with each other when necessary.

[Anonymous]

I see my brother once a year on average. My parents both rarely see their siblings. I have an only. I often wonder if all of that is related.

[Anonymous]

I had my only child at 29 and don’t regret not having a second. I have a kidney disease and had a hard time conceiving so I gave up and had my tubes tied. It worked out for the best for our family.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I are pretty close, but DH and his sister do not get along. They can barely be in the same room for an hour. One their parents die she's already said she's going to sue him, no matter what his parents have decided will wise.

Just because you have another doesn't mean they will be best buddies.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're crazy to want another one but as other posters are saying, we don't get to have everything we want. I have three, and while I love having a large family, there are definitely downsides to that. First, there is never enough attention to go around, and we are two fully involved countries with a live-in nanny, so we have lots of help. The other thing is that traveling with all of the kids is pretty much impossible financially and logistically. I take turns taking my kids to Europe every summer, we can't really go all together.

So my advice to you is to focus on the positive side of having an only. You can have amazing travel and experiences with your child starting at 6 or 7 - you are not limited by younger siblings or nap schedules. I get envious of facebook photos of my friends' traveling fun with their onlies! You can have a closer bond with your child. You will have more financial freedom for you and for him. Just enjoy this and your child.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only child and desperately wanted a sibling when I was young but it wasn’t going to happen. My parents were older (my mom was 40 and dad almost 60) and they never planned to have more than one. The BEST thing my mom did was frequently tell me that she only ever wanted one child and she was so glad she had me and I was enough.

I’m 36 and super fortunate my parents are still alive and I’m reasonably good health. I married young and have 3 kids and in some ways know I had kids earlier as a deliberate choice to allow my kids to know their grandparents. I also got lucky and met dh when I was in my early 20s, and he also had older parents and was even more in favor of having kids than I was! I do look forward to family events when our kids are grown and have their own families (if they so choose), and yes, holidays with just my parents and me (and one grandparent) were a little quiet, but that was my normal. I didn’t even have any cousins around my age, so I was really the only kid around ever. I think that also made me feel more ready for “adulting” at a younger age than many of my friends.

My parents did let me bring friends along on some family trips, and I think because it wasn’t horribly expensive we traveled a lot and I had some wonderful experiences growing up that we probably couldn’t have afforded if I’d had siblings. As a parent if multiple kids now I sometimes find myself wondering what our lives would be like if we had stopped after one.

Op, please continue to love your son and be grateful for him, and let him know you are content with your family the way it is.