Guilt over having an only child

[Anonymous]

For background: got pregnant at 42. Found the post-partum period challenging, and our DC was sick with several ear infections and never slept. My desire to have another child was non-existent. By the time DC was about 4, I figured it was too late (late 40s). Now at 50 with an 8 year old, I feel regret. My DC recently visited relatives and I was sent a photo of DC playing with an infant, and felt enormous remorse. My child often says he's lonely. Have we made a big mistake?

[Anonymous]

Life is imperfect, op. We do the best we can as we go along. You have a lovely child, I'm sure. If he's lonely, look at getting him involved in clubs, maybe Cub Scouts or something like that, where he'll feel part of a larger group of friends.

[Anonymous]

No. I wish I had been in a situation where I could have had a second child but we were deeply in debt and our careers had us making long commutes in different directions from a town where we had no relatives to help us. And it's true that when my parents died, it was good to have siblings to share the work and the sadness with.

But I read once that only children have stronger long-time friendships. Dh was an only child and that's definitely true of him. Me, not so much. And Dd is now in her 20s and has an amazing network of friends. I know that she will have people to go to if she is in need. And her dad and I have been able to help her with grad school in a way we couldn't have if she had had a sibling.

I understand the regret, OP. I wish we had been able to do things a little differently but I don't think you made a mistake. You just did it differently. There are good things about that and bad things about it. So let your kid grow up. He's going to become who he is and you'll help him with that. And that's great!

[Anonymous]

We don't get to give our children everything. I also have an only, and also would have liked for him to have a sibling. But it didn't work out. I have given him two parents who love him, a dog, a stable home, the tutoring he needed for his learning disability, and the indulgence of his love of sports. Oh, and thousands of games of Uno, Sleeping Queens, and catch.

You have given your child life and family. You don't owe a child a specific kind of family - that isn't part of the deal. You do owe it to your child to work through your own regret and sadness so he doesn't feel it. Saying he is lonely is different than him saying "I wish my family was different." I was lonely, and I had siblings. It sounds like he does have cousins and extended family? You can always make sure he has bonds there, so that family feels bigger to him.

[Anonymous]

Most women I know who had an only in their 40s are just grateful to have the one.

I am a bit younger than you were with your first, and have an only around the same age. However, I don't think she's often lonely, since we keep her pretty busy--neighborhood friends she's known since age 2/3, sports team, Girl Scouts, etc. Plus, she has several good friends who are also onlies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is imperfect, op. We do the best we can as we go along. You have a lovely child, I'm sure. If he's lonely, look at getting him involved in clubs, maybe Cub Scouts or something like that, where he'll feel part of a larger group of friends.

+1 OP also keep up those relationships with the relatives. They don't develop on their own. Cousin relationships are special and can be incredibly close and long-lasting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is imperfect, op. We do the best we can as we go along. You have a lovely child, I'm sure. If he's lonely, look at getting him involved in clubs, maybe Cub Scouts or something like that, where he'll feel part of a larger group of friends.

+1 OP also keep up those relationships with the relatives. They don't develop on their own. Cousin relationships are special and can be incredibly close and long-lasting.

Thanks. We do have him involved in several activities; which is sometimes hard to keep up with both of us working full time and him getting exhausted. DC also has cousins, but they are 10+ years older.

[Anonymous]

I always just think about how not all siblings are a gift. Some are psychotic, some just don’t like each other, some have special needs that drain the family resources, some are colicky ornery people. It’s not always nice to give your child a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids and some days I think that I could give more as a parent, if I only had one child. Specifically, more time and attention and energy. I have a niece that is an only child, and I see some of the benefits that has given her.

Other days (most days), I'm glad my 2 kids have each other.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and was never lonely. My only interest in having an older sister was for stealing cool clothes and my only interest in having a younger sister was to boss someone around.

Get him a dog.

[Anonymous]

If he is looney spend more time with him. If he is bored, get him in activities or do more with him. We have an only and not an issue. My sibling and I never got along. That is not always an answer. My parents had me for her vs for them and it was clear my place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child and was never lonely. My only interest in having an older sister was for stealing cool clothes and my only interest in having a younger sister was to boss someone around.

Get him a dog.

OP here - dog not an option. DH is highly allergic.

I hear everyone on the "I had siblings and was still lonely" vibe; that was me. I was very introverted and spent a lot of time to myself. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to this; my DC seems to thrive on having other people around, except when he's enjoying screen time.

[Anonymous]

Kids don't know what they don't have. I have an only and yes I occasionally feel bittersweet over what might have been. And then I turn my energy to the kid that I have, the kid I can provide so much for before I only have one.

[Anonymous]

There is always guilt and regret no matter what. People feel guilty not being able to give their multiple children enough attention. I feel guilt and regret about not have more than two children, maybe in part because I had two miscarriages). I think if I have three children, I would find something to feel guilty about and same if I had one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an only child and was never lonely. My only interest in having an older sister was for stealing cool clothes and my only interest in having a younger sister was to boss someone around.

Get him a dog.

OP here - dog not an option. DH is highly allergic.

I hear everyone on the "I had siblings and was still lonely" vibe; that was me. I was very introverted and spent a lot of time to myself. Maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to this; my DC seems to thrive on having other people around, except when he's enjoying screen time.

Then get him a cat. Or a bird. Or fish. There's no guarantee that your child's life would be so much better if you had a second child. Your second child could have had substantial special needs or just been a bad mix personality wise with your first child. Just move on and stop obsessing about what you can't change.