Guilt over having an only child

[Anonymous]

I'm in a similar boat, OP. DH was against the idea of a second child, but for years DC has been absolutely pining for a sibling. It makes me sad.

[Anonymous]

I have two. It has its ups and downs. I don’t regret my second but often feel guilt over what my first has missed out on (mostly attention) because there are two.

You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Try to let it go OP. Your DC will be fine.

[Anonymous]

I'm an only child and I love it. Even if I did have a sibling, I would probably pretend they didnt exist.

[Anonymous]

I have an only who is now almost 7. She is perfectly happy being an only snd us never lonely. She has friends and we do stuff as a family of 3. We also signed her up for girl scouts and other after school stuff. We do have 2 dogs and she loves them but i dont think they have prevented loneliness. I feel bad that as an adult she won't have a large family because she doesnt have cousins close by either. But it is what it is. Like a PP said, she makes friends easily and is social so im sure that will continue into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

I have an only too, due to unexplained secondary infertility. Pregnant with my daughter on the first try at 35, then started TTC #2 at 37 and spent the next 5 years doing infertility treatments and trying on our own to have a second. I never had a single pregnancy in all that time. We gave up when I turned 43 and decided to make peace with never being able to get pregnant a second time.

I'm an only myself as well. I did not like being an only and didn't have a great childhood. However, my parents did not know how to raise an only--they were very isolated, didn't have any friends themselves, didn't encourage me to have friends, didn't sign me up for any sports/activities, and I didn't get to do fun things growing up, just boring things like spend my weekends going to art galleries and fancy restaurants with my parents. I spent most of my childhood watching TV alone.

Compared to how I grew up, my daughter is having an amazing childhood. We've signed her up for lots of activities on the weekends so she's always around other kids. We have made friends with lots of other families and do playdates or entertain often. We vacation with other families. We always do kid-friendly trips. We have worked hard to give her a wonderful, fun childhood filled with lots of friends and socializing.

Now that she's getting older, she does sometimes say that she's lonely, which is difficult for me to hear, because I felt that way all the time as an only.

I feel like we did everything we could to try to have a second, and nothing worked, and I'm trying to move forward and make the best of things even though I always have the feeling that our family is incomplete.

[Anonymous]

Grateful to have had my dd at 39, but then having another turned out not to be in the cards for us even though we really would have liked to have 2.

DD has asked us for a sibling now & then, especially when her friends started getting younger siblings. Overall she's happy though, and has a tight group of friends and their parents who also look out for her.

Having a child later than I planned to turned out well for me in a lot of unexpected ways. I was better off financially, and had WAY more patience and emotional maturity than I did in my 20s. One kid has turned out to be very portable, and I love spending time with her and sharing our interests as she grows.

It wasn't the plan, but it's been beautiful. I grieved the one I never had, but am not sorry for the life as a parent that I do have.

[Anonymous]

I’m an only. I wanted a sibling more than anything growing up but it worked out fine. I married someone from a big family and have 3 kids of my own. I’m also still very close with the best friend I made in kindergarten and we think of each other like sisters; my parents encouraged that by letting me bring her with us on family vacations. You might consider something like that, especially if pets are not an option.

[Anonymous]

If it if any consolation, not all siblings at along. Feeling of loneliness is often innate and is a part of personality (I think I have read a study on the matter but don’t remember where). Some children feel lonely in big families as some of us do in our marriages, so having a sibling does not equal having a companion. My cousins don’t really talk to each other, and their dad does not talk to his brother. Yet, it never occurs to my nephew to ask for a sibling - he feels his life is complete.

[Anonymous]

My only child asked for siblings for a couple years but around the age six decided she definitely didn't want them. I occasionally think about trying for another but at this point they'd be nine years apart.

I think it's normal to mourn the path not taken (or the path that fate prevented). It's okay to feel what you're feeling, those feelings are real. But try to get to the point, intellectually at least, where you make peace with it.

I still struggle some days, so know you're not alone. And neither is your child. You can build a"family" other ways than blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always just think about how not all siblings are a gift. Some are psychotic, some just don’t like each other, some have special needs that drain the family resources, some are colicky ornery people. It’s not always nice to give your child a sibling.

This is offensive on so many levels. My non-special needs DC loves my special needs DC.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids but feel super guilty sometimes that there is no way for me to provide them a house with a yard (without a horrible commute). I think guilt is just part of the parenting experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two. It has its ups and downs. I don’t regret my second but often feel guilt over what my first has missed out on (mostly attention) because there are two.

You are damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Try to let it go OP. Your DC will be fine.

NP. I totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Unless you deliberately wait until 42 to have your first, in that case, you should regret not starting earlier. The chances that you could have successfully give your son a younger sibling was very low if you tried, I wouldn't have any big regrets over this. Just feel grateful you were able to have one at 42.

I had my only at 40. I often feel like I wish I had an older child but not a younger child. I do hope DS can marry into a big happy family one day to make up for being an only. Haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For background: got pregnant at 42. Found the post-partum period challenging, and our DC was sick with several ear infections and never slept. My desire to have another child was non-existent. By the time DC was about 4, I figured it was too late (late 40s). Now at 50 with an 8 year old, I feel regret. My DC recently visited relatives and I was sent a photo of DC playing with an infant, and felt enormous remorse. My child often says he's lonely. Have we made a big mistake?

What difference does it make now?

[Anonymous]

I am an only child and mom of an only child (by choice). I remember asking for a sib growing up, but getting over it by about 8. I never felt lonely and am very self sufficient/at piece with myself. I feel my DS is too - he is perfectly happy playing with friends (he has a lot of them) but can also just hang by himself. He has great self esteem and sense of self worth, which I think is partly coming from being an only child (no competition). No I do not imply that 2/3/4/etc. kids families kids cant have that either.