Do I have any recourse in dealing with a bratty nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anxiety make someone complain?

They wouldn't. He didn't like the activity, which is really for older kids/adults and no one probably even notices him if he is 1 of 4. Best thing is to give him 1-1 time and make him feel special.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, you win. Your post has brought out ALL the usual, tried and true DCUM blame-the-OP greatest hits here:

He must be an only child, therefore--anxiety! Because only children surely are anxious and/or socially awkward.

You, OP, need to chillax here. Let it go!

You, OP, must have anxiety!

It's only a few days, just deal with it.

And so on. Did anyone use the term "unclench" here? Sorry if I missed that classic.

What a total crock. I'm with you, OP. Give his parents a big smile and a heads-up: "Whenever I drive Sonny, I ask that he use headphones (etc.) but he argues it with me and continues to use (device) against the rule I use for anyone who's in the car. I wanted to let you know that next time I drive him I'm asking him to put the device on the back seat while he's in the front. Im giving you a heads-up because I figure he'll complain to you but I've got a thing about distractions for me as the driver." Then DO it. He wants a ride? No device at all, not even with headphones. I would be a harda$$ about this.

Super long drive? You can be really sweet and let him have his headphones and the first violation means you pull over and make him put the device on the back seat.

Food: Find out at least one dish he likes and have it. Maybe two. And rolls. He will not die of hunger. Make sure you ask his parents what he would most like to eat (without adding, though it's tempting, "Because he's a pain about food." Resist it, OP....). His parents will at least hear that you are trying to be accommodating re: food.

Whining about a really nice outing: If all cousins are going, yeah, I'd take him too. His cousins likely are well aware what a complainer he is. I'd have him go too and ignore like crazy. If he's being really vocal, invite him to go sit in the lobby if he can't handle it. Say this loudly and firmly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

Absolutely.

Or you can give him a chance to follow the rules, the first time he breaks the rule you remind him, and if you don't get immediate compliance you pull off the road and find a place to park and turn off the car. Bring a book or a newspaper and make it apparent you have all the time in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would anxiety make someone complain?

They wouldn't. He didn't like the activity, which is really for older kids/adults and no one probably even notices him if he is 1 of 4. Best thing is to give him 1-1 time and make him feel special.

Who is supposed to give this one on one time? OP? His aunt? Who is the one hosting several kids and adults as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Phone is locked in the trunk “until he can be trusted”. Maybe next year.

But then he will whine and complain, which she finds equally annoying. She wants silence.

then they could play the quiet game.

I love the quiet game, however it’s very unpopular with kids. I’m a nanny and had four kids for a three day weekend while their parents were out of town. We went for a day trip and I instituted the quiet game after a couple hours in the car. The 7 year old, only boy, then got “sick”. He later told me that it was due to lack of attention and conversational involvement from the quiet game. I died laughing (inside.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you suffer from anxiety or OCD.

Just chillax ... I think I know where he gets his attitude.

This was my reaction too. OP - it's a couple of days. Let it go.

Ahh! Relax Auntie! Is it really such a safety issue that you can't manage to drive with radio or any noise coming from the car? That is nuts!

[Anonymous]

^ To add, I also have a similar activity planned for the nieces/nephews. I know everyone else will love it. I don't know whether to completely and totally ignore him, or tell him he can sit out and stay home while everyone else has fun. I know he wants to spend time with the other kids, but the constant complaining of nothing ever being perfect and good enough to his liking, is getting obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

I would let him know if he can’t use the device as instructed, you’ll take it away.

I have no problem disciplining children if their parents won’t. If they don’t like it, they need to step in before I do.

Re: dinner, I’d be willing to add some variety to the meal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

That's a bit backward. Anxiety in kids (and adults) can definitely manifest as unpleasant behavior although (having raised a kid with severe anxiety disorders/OCD) I would not see chronic complaining as the most likely manifestation. But complaining could be manifestation of other issues resulting in very poor social skills, in which case it's the parents' job to be working on that, and presumably if he DOES have such issues they are looking into it and you'd be aware of that as well. Also not clear to me if he is an only child or the only complainer in a family of easy going kids. How do the other kids react to him?

And why will you be driving him around? You mean with a car full of kids or just him? If you're Aunt A treating the cousins to an adventure that's one thing, otherwise why would you be his personal tour guide? Won't the other kids nag on him if he's unpleasant? Also, if this is a recurring issue, maybe it will be simpler to declare no electronics on for anyone the car or you're pulling over (and the other kids can clobber him for that).

Keep in mind, if you do not have kids yourself, it's best to deliver rules with a specific demeanor--not stern, not mean, not joking or goofy but absolutely firm but pleasant (even cheerful). Because it is not a moral judging thing, it is just the way it is, and when he is old enough he'll have his own car and will get to make his own rules about sound in the car and maybe even torture you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you suffer from anxiety or OCD.

Just chillax ... I think I know where he gets his attitude.

What a stupid comment. STFU

[Anonymous]

Gen X parent here.

I would take all the kids' devices and leave them at home, since the rules aren't being followed regarding headphones in the car. Get in the car kids, we're going now. No tech for anyone.

That way, the other kids can apply the necessary pressure on their cousin to conform to the car rules, and apply the blow back. "Thanks for taking away ALL our devices, cous." It's also an opportunity for them to ACTUALLY TALK TO EACH OTHER instead of being immersed in devices.

You just drive. Let your kids do the work of teaching the lesson to cousin for you. Not all peer pressure is bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

Well, you are handling this the wrong way. It's not your job to discipline your nephew. Just punt it back to brother and SIL.

"Larlo always says he wants rice or french fries at dinner. Should I get some frozen stuff for you to make, or do you plan to pick some up when you get here." If his parents choose not to do this and he complains at dinner just say "Sorry, Larlo, I asked your parents if they wanted to make that for you and they said no."

"Larlo didn't enjoy the activity last year and wanted to leave. Which one of you will be joining us in case he wants to leave again this year?" If they choose not to come and Larlo complains during the activity, direct him to call or text his parents to come pick him up.

"Larlo doesn't want to follow the rules in my car about his phone. Which one of you will be renting a car and driving him?" If they choose not to rent a car, determine which one of them will be home to receive him when you turn the car around and bring him home.

If they accuse you of being too hard on him say "That is why I am asking for your help. He's the only one who isn't following my rules so I think it's best if you take the lead with him."


Also, FTR, it's a little weird that you won't buy a bag of microwave rice to throw in the microwave for 5 minutes for the kid. It's easy and there is literally nothing to clean up. But if you prefer to tell his parents to do it that is certainly your right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

Because you asked. This article talks about some of the reasons people complain. It’s interesting. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201709/complaining-are-you-sounding-downer

Anxiety in kids doesn’t always manifest the way it does in adults or the way you might expect. Sometimes it comes out as anger or ocd symptoms. At the very least, the kid’s schedule is off. Maybe he’s traveling. He’s forced into dealing with a crowd of people, and he’s expected to follow different rules. He almost certainly feels a lack of control over things he’d usually get to choose for himself. All of those things can cause anxiety in someone who doesn’t normally suffer from anxiety. On top of all that, he knows from history that he’s supposed to be on his best behavior (whether he actually behaves or not is irrelevant, he feels the pressure), there won’t be any food he likes besides corn while everyone around him raves about the wonderful dishes, and he knows auntie prefers the other children over him (I’m sure you don’t tell him that but kids know). So he’ll be edgy and defensive. It seems like a perfect storm for a kid to do some sour grapes type complaining, or maybe even some “I’m better than this” type complaining. It’s not sincere, it’s just that he’s frustrated, not connecting to the people around him, feeling out of control, and probably doesn’t have the self awareness or verbal skills to say “I’m uncomfortable for x reasons, and this is what would help me feel less stressed out.”

The things that help, in my experience, is finding a way to connect with the kid and make him more comfortable. Tweens aren’t always the most reasonable though, and you don’t sound like you have a good relationship established with him, so that might be easier said than done. I’d consider a few things like telling him in advance you’re going to have some rice for him this year because you remember him wishing it were there last year, and would he prefer brown or white? Maybe learn a little about some games or find a 2 player game you can put on your phone and ask him to connect and play with you. Then tell him privately (not calling him out in front of his cousins) that you know he likes playing in the car but it’s dangerous for you to have those noises while driving. Offer to let him borrow some earbuds, but be clear that he gets one warning or you’ll have to take the phone/game away while you’re in the car, but you really don’t want to do that and you hope he’ll work with you. Be sure to get his opinion when you’re choosing an activity. You don’t have to let him decide, but if you have the choice of zombie escape room or megaflu escape room, ask his preference. Try to make him feel heard.

You might not see a huge change this year. You know how you’re expecting the visit to be crappy? He probably is too. You have to build some trust with him, especially since he already has a chip on his shoulder. Also know if you’re seeing him infrequently, you’re probably not going to change him. Considering that you probably can’t change him, do you want to spend the visit banging your head against the wall, or try to connect and have a more pleasant time? If his parents aren’t disciplinarians, and you try to be, you’re probably going to come off as mean as opposed to structured. Make sure the rule is worth enforcing before you go all in. Driving would be worth it to me, avoiding rice at thanksgiving would not.

[Anonymous]

Enough with the never ending warnings.

Tell him before gets in the car that he can’t have the sound on the phone. First violation, you pull over and put the phone in the trunk.

When he whines you have the radio set on a classical station and you turn the dial way up to drown him out. Then turn it back down and say “Did I forget to mention there’s also a no whining rule in my car too?” Repeat as necessary.

When you do this, the key is to be super upbeat and calm and smiling. You do not get flustered. If there are other kids in the car they will think it’s funny. Tell him he can try again during the next car ride.

One more thing: buy a bag of microwave rice for the kid. I wouldn’t go out of my way to cook to his tastes, but having something he can eat is a nice gesture.