Do I have any recourse in dealing with a bratty nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Enough with the never ending warnings.

Tell him before gets in the car that he can’t have the sound on the phone. First violation, you pull over and put the phone in the trunk.

When he whines you have the radio set on a classical station and you turn the dial way up to drown him out. Then turn it back down and say “Did I forget to mention there’s also a no whining rule in my car too?” Repeat as necessary.

When you do this, the key is to be super upbeat and calm and smiling. You do not get flustered. If there are other kids in the car they will think it’s funny. Tell him he can try again during the next car ride.

One more thing: buy a bag of microwave rice for the kid. I wouldn’t go out of my way to cook to his tastes, but having something he can eat is a nice gesture.

The warnings never work. Especially if you never follow through and there are no consequences. Stop talking, start showing him how you want to be treated.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised everyone is saying to make rice – there are a dozen foods at Thanksgiving. If an 11-year-old cannot find something to eat with that, I would not indulge in either OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

For one thing, children don't react like adults do, so it's not surprising that if you have anxiety, you would react very differently.
It is also probably that if you had anxiety, what you would do is turn down one or more of the activities during this family weekend, and take some time to yourself to recharge. A kid doesn't have that power, so if he's anxious before arriving at grandma's the first evening, it is just going to multiply over the course of the weekend. Ultimately, he won't even be able to say there's a particular thing or event he's anxious about (if he even could to begin with). Instead, he's just going to feel a little crazed, and upset, and have knots in his stomach. And he's going to look for something causing that discomfort, which will be whatever the source of the latest excitement is.

When he says he wants to eat corn, that's his way of trying to exert some control and calm himself down. We smile at adults who "need" alcohol to survive family events, but give kids very little latitude to do anything to control their environment.

OP, you're already worried about how badly he's going to irritate you; can you not imagine that his 11-year-old mind is also turning over all the ways people are going to find him problematic on Thanksgiving and wishing he didn't have to go?

Adult anxiety is recognized as a condition that needs treatment, but adults with anxiety will tell you that even on medication, new or exciting events, especially those where they have no access to their own things and own routines can cause decompensation. It's the same for children, but they lack the insight to recognize it and tell you that's what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ To add, I also have a similar activity planned for the nieces/nephews. I know everyone else will love it. I don't know whether to completely and totally ignore him, or tell him he can sit out and stay home while everyone else has fun. I know he wants to spend time with the other kids, but the constant complaining of nothing ever being perfect and good enough to his liking, is getting obnoxious.

Yes, of course!

Say this nicely, and lovingly, and early enough in the weekend that he can ask whatever questions he has about said activity, and you might find he's able to a) say, truthfully, that he'd rather stay home and play on his tablet, or b) mentally prepare himself to enjoy it.

My son can not have any surprises. Surprises ruin everything for him, even if they are happy surprises. He needs to know what's coming. We're working on all kinds of strategies to get better about handling the unknown, but there are adults who have trouble with this. It's a long term project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6-year-old complains, and melts down, and refuses things he ought to like. He spent most of Halloween night face down on someone's lawn because he was unhappy about something that had happened with his brother.

My other three children are nothing like this. He has an older brother (8) and two younger siblings (5 and 3).

Special events, excitement, parties, new people, etc. give him anxiety, and this is how it comes out. Aside from never going anywhere, or always leaving, our only real option is to hope it doesn't happen and ignore as much of it as we can. If he is truly ruining the event, we leave.

I don't know if this is your nephew's problem, but "bratty" behavior that seems completely ridiculous (like being negative about the Escape Room) is exactly what my child with anxiety would do; he feels awful, so he's going to come up with a reason why the activity/people around him/world are making him feel awful.

We have floated the idea of just not going to family events, and then we are told we are being cruel and selfish not to let the relatives see the children. It is literally impossible to control what a child says or puts in his mouth. So we deal.

There’s a big difference between 6 and 11. My son complains a lot when we travel. He’s tired. He doesn’t like what we are doing unless he LOVES what we are doing. We worked hard and consistently to get him to a point where he knows he’s allowed to be miserable, but he isn’t allowed to make everyone else miserable by whining the whole time. Anxiety or not, you still need to work on getting him to express himself in an appropriate way.

Agree. My 6 year-old is a bit like PP's 6 year-old and it is anxiety in our case as well. But I do expect her to be better able to control herself by 11. She is a lot better now than she was at 3.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to stay home with the brat!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ To add, I also have a similar activity planned for the nieces/nephews. I know everyone else will love it. I don't know whether to completely and totally ignore him, or tell him he can sit out and stay home while everyone else has fun. I know he wants to spend time with the other kids, but the constant complaining of nothing ever being perfect and good enough to his liking, is getting obnoxious.

I have an anxious kid (10) who usually manifests with anger, but she complains a good deal too. Usually she only does it with us and not anyone else; she knows it is socially unacceptable. Here's my take on things:

Tell all the kids what the outing involves and what is expected. Maybe give them a choice or two: "We're going ice skating at 10:30 for a two hour session. This means we'll leave the house at 10 am. There will be a few rest breaks while they clean the ice, and anyone can skate over to the side if they get tired at any point. I hope we can get hot chocolate during one of those breaks. At 12 pm, we'll turn in our skates and get lunch. Do you guys think we should eat at the burger place by the skating rink or hop into the car and drive to Uncle Julio's for lunch?" Take questions and answer them. If anyone has trouble with something and gets complainy, be very matter of fact about it. DD will sometimes threaten not to come; that's fine, stay home. Sometimes she really just wants a big reaction, so I don't give it to her.

Before you get into the car, happily ask "does everyone have earbuds for their phones or have them on silent? If I hear them, it really distracts me. I'll need to take away anything that I can hear." If you end up taking it away, sympathize with him once "I know, it's too bad that phone wasn't silenced and I had to take it away. You'll get it back when we get home." Then ignore and change the subject -- Do you think the redskins will sign Kapernick to replace Alex Smith? How ironic would that be?

As for the food, it is your job to put out healthy food for people to eat. It is the people's job to eat the food. He eats corn, so he isn't going hungry. I bet he also eats rolls and probably milk. He's also 11 and can nuke up some rice if he needs it.


Sympathize with the kid when he complains about something "Oh, it's too bad that 12 pm session didn't work for more people. What was it about that session that appealed to you more? Hey, did you see that lady do those cool jumps?"


A lot o the complaining and anger that come along with anxiety can really get other people down if they take it personally. I've taken the position that it's my kid's way of telling me that she feels bad/worried about something, so I try to use her language to make her feel better. It is weird and exhausting and annoying at times, but it stops me from getting completely depressed every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 6-year-old complains, and melts down, and refuses things he ought to like. He spent most of Halloween night face down on someone's lawn because he was unhappy about something that had happened with his brother.

My other three children are nothing like this. He has an older brother (8) and two younger siblings (5 and 3).

Special events, excitement, parties, new people, etc. give him anxiety, and this is how it comes out. Aside from never going anywhere, or always leaving, our only real option is to hope it doesn't happen and ignore as much of it as we can. If he is truly ruining the event, we leave.

I don't know if this is your nephew's problem, but "bratty" behavior that seems completely ridiculous (like being negative about the Escape Room) is exactly what my child with anxiety would do; he feels awful, so he's going to come up with a reason why the activity/people around him/world are making him feel awful.

We have floated the idea of just not going to family events, and then we are told we are being cruel and selfish not to let the relatives see the children. It is literally impossible to control what a child says or puts in his mouth. So we deal.

There’s a big difference between 6 and 11. My son complains a lot when we travel. He’s tired. He doesn’t like what we are doing unless he LOVES what we are doing. We worked hard and consistently to get him to a point where he knows he’s allowed to be miserable, but he isn’t allowed to make everyone else miserable by whining the whole time. Anxiety or not, you still need to work on getting him to express himself in an appropriate way.

Agree. My 6 year-old is a bit like PP's 6 year-old and it is anxiety in our case as well. But I do expect her to be better able to control herself by 11. She is a lot better now than she was at 3.

I'm the original PP. You know what? Neither of us knows what the future holds for our kids. I hope mine is better at 11 as well. But neither of us has an 11-year-old, so we don't get to say whether our magical parenting has made our annoying, bratty, difficult 6-year-olds into polite and pleasant 11-year-olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

For one thing, children don't react like adults do, so it's not surprising that if you have anxiety, you would react very differently.
It is also probably that if you had anxiety, what you would do is turn down one or more of the activities during this family weekend, and take some time to yourself to recharge. A kid doesn't have that power, so if he's anxious before arriving at grandma's the first evening, it is just going to multiply over the course of the weekend. Ultimately, he won't even be able to say there's a particular thing or event he's anxious about (if he even could to begin with). Instead, he's just going to feel a little crazed, and upset, and have knots in his stomach. And he's going to look for something causing that discomfort, which will be whatever the source of the latest excitement is.

When he says he wants to eat corn, that's his way of trying to exert some control and calm himself down. We smile at adults who "need" alcohol to survive family events, but give kids very little latitude to do anything to control their environment.

OP, you're already worried about how badly he's going to irritate you; can you not imagine that his 11-year-old mind is also turning over all the ways people are going to find him problematic on Thanksgiving and wishing he didn't have to go?

Adult anxiety is recognized as a condition that needs treatment, but adults with anxiety will tell you that even on medication, new or exciting events, especially those where they have no access to their own things and own routines can cause decompensation. It's the same for children, but they lack the insight to recognize it and tell you that's what's going on.

Very well said, PP!

[Anonymous]

Anxiety. OP, pull in his mom to come out on the outing with you. Ask her to make rice in the kitchen (or bring an Annie's rice that microwaves in 1 min.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Enough with the never ending warnings.

Tell him before gets in the car that he can’t have the sound on the phone. First violation, you pull over and put the phone in the trunk.

When he whines you have the radio set on a classical station and you turn the dial way up to drown him out. Then turn it back down and say “Did I forget to mention there’s also a no whining rule in my car too?” Repeat as necessary.

When you do this, the key is to be super upbeat and calm and smiling. You do not get flustered. If there are other kids in the car they will think it’s funny. Tell him he can try again during the next car ride.

One more thing: buy a bag of microwave rice for the kid. I wouldn’t go out of my way to cook to his tastes, but having something he can eat is a nice gesture.

The warnings never work. Especially if you never follow through and there are no consequences. Stop talking, start showing him how you want to be treated.

To all the people explaining the intricacies of anxiety: OP is not going to fix this over a holiday visit. The best approach is to make expectations and consequences clear and consistent. Once he knows your boundaries he will know what to expect and it will be much easier on everyone.

Be calm, pleasant and don’t let him see you get frustrated. And yes, it’s absolutely okay to take away his phone in your car. And no, you don’t need to ask his pareyahead if time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you suffer from anxiety or OCD.

Just chillax ... I think I know where he gets his attitude.

Exactly what I was thinnking. Do you have kids or just have kids who only have super awesome attitudes all the time? My kid is awesome but sometimes is whiny, complaining, wants to listen to music in the car.
Try this:
- Take the phone before you get in the car
- Turn on the car radio to a station he likes and at a level you can tolerate(if you cannot have music at all -- you need help)
- Try talking about stuff he finds interesting
- Consider that he may have anxiety
- When he complains about food: IGNORE IT
- Try serving rice sometimes along with what you already serve, it's not a big deal
- Stop reacting to his behaviour, it's like oxygen and gas on a fire
- REMEMBER HE IS ONLY 11

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anxiety make someone complain?

Poor emotional management
BECAUSE THEY FEEL MISERABLE, DON'T KNOW WHY, NOT SURE HOW TO DEAL, NOT SURE HOW TO EXPRESS
GOOGLE ANXIETY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would anxiety make someone complain?

Poor emotional management
BECAUSE THEY FEEL MISERABLE, DON'T KNOW WHY, NOT SURE HOW TO DEAL, NOT SURE HOW TO EXPRESS
GOOGLE ANXIETY

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you suffer from anxiety or OCD.

Just chillax ... I think I know where he gets his attitude.

Exactly what I was thinnking. Do you have kids or just have kids who only have super awesome attitudes all the time? My kid is awesome but sometimes is whiny, complaining, wants to listen to music in the car.
Try this:
- Take the phone before you get in the car
- Turn on the car radio to a station he likes and at a level you can tolerate(if you cannot have music at all -- you need help)
- Try talking about stuff he finds interesting
- Consider that he may have anxiety
- When he complains about food: IGNORE IT
- Try serving rice sometimes along with what you already serve, it's not a big deal
- Stop reacting to his behaviour, it's like oxygen and gas on a fire
- REMEMBER HE IS ONLY 11

This is the only advice that matters, OP. You clearly think he's a bad kid, or his parents are bad at their job. You aren't going to fix it.