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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

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I also think this is likely anxiety.  It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind.  You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?!  I LOVED that!"[/quote]

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.'  [b]I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety." [/b]

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Because you asked. This article talks about some of the reasons people complain. It’s interesting. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-files/201709/complaining-are-you-sounding-downer

Anxiety in kids doesn’t always manifest the way it does in adults or the way you might expect. Sometimes it comes out as anger or ocd symptoms. At the very least, the kid’s schedule is off. Maybe he’s traveling. He’s forced into dealing with a crowd of people, and he’s expected to follow different rules. He almost certainly feels a lack of control over things he’d usually get to choose for himself. All of those things can cause anxiety in someone who doesn’t normally suffer from anxiety. On top of all that, he knows from history that he’s supposed to be on his best behavior (whether he actually behaves or not is irrelevant, he feels the pressure), there won’t be any food he likes besides corn while everyone around him raves about the wonderful dishes, and he knows auntie prefers the other children over him (I’m sure you don’t tell him that but kids know). So he’ll be edgy and defensive. It seems like a perfect storm for a kid to do some sour grapes type complaining, or maybe even some “I’m better than this” type complaining. It’s not sincere, it’s just that he’s frustrated, not connecting to the people around him, feeling out of control, and probably doesn’t have the self awareness or verbal skills to say “I’m uncomfortable for x reasons, and this is what would help me feel less stressed out.”

The things that help, in my experience, is finding a way to connect with the kid and make him more comfortable. Tweens aren’t always the most reasonable though, and you don’t sound like you have a good relationship established with him, so that might be easier said than done. I’d consider a few things like telling him in advance you’re going to have some rice for him this year because you remember him wishing it were there last year, and would he prefer brown or white? Maybe learn a little about some games or find a 2 player game you can put on your phone and ask him to connect and play with you. Then tell him privately (not calling him out in front of his cousins) that you know he likes playing in the car but it’s dangerous for you to have those noises while driving. Offer to let him borrow some earbuds, but be clear that he gets one warning or you’ll have to take the phone/game away while you’re in the car, but you really don’t want to do that and you hope he’ll work with you. Be sure to get his opinion when you’re choosing an activity. You don’t have to let him decide, but if you have the choice of zombie escape room or megaflu escape room, ask his preference. Try to make him feel heard.

You might not see a huge change this year. You know how you’re expecting the visit to be crappy? He probably is too. You have to build some trust with him, especially since he already has a chip on his shoulder. Also know if you’re seeing him infrequently, you’re probably not going to change him. Considering that you probably can’t change him, do you want to spend the visit banging your head against the wall, or try to connect and have a more pleasant time? If his parents aren’t disciplinarians, and you try to be, you’re probably going to come off as mean as opposed to structured. Make sure the rule is worth enforcing before you go all in. Driving would be worth it to me, avoiding rice at thanksgiving would not.

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