Do I have any recourse in dealing with a bratty nephew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

Google anxiety. Seriously, google it. Imagine having anxiety as a kid and no one is recognizing or helping you.
Also -- you cannot imagine that a kid could do something you did not do?
Seriously -- I do not understand this thinking.
Try this, next time he complains - just grab him and give him a big hug, tickle him. Tell him how much of a good time you are having with him. Help to direct his emotions and manage them -- not just punish him for it. Kids need help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised everyone is saying to make rice – there are a dozen foods at Thanksgiving. If an 11-year-old cannot find something to eat with that, I would not indulge in either OP.

I have not read all the posts but I did not say make rice, I said, how do you even know he is asking for rice. Let him make his own place and ask his mom what is being served and don't worry about it.

My son asked if there was pumpkin soup this year, I said no, so he will find something else to eat. It's okay to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nephew is a brat. Not all my nieces/nephews are brats, most are polite and super easy going. But this one is. He is 11. It's not a phase.

Because his family is visiting, I will end up driving him around a few times. That's fine. In my car, the rules is that all electronics must have the sound totally off, or you must use headphones. He will give me crap about it, and constantly complain. And constantly disobey. I tell him the sound must be OFF, not low, because I am driving and that's comfortable for me while driving. He'll keep putting it back on.

Last time, I treated all the kids to one of those "Escape Room" type things. He complained the whole time, why we didn't choose one of the other scenarios, after repeatedly explaining that the different time slot did not work out for any of us. He complained about it the rest of the day. The other kids loved it and had no complaints.

He'll complain that there isn't any rice or french fries at thanksgiving... and will just eat corn. Sorry, I have enough to do and make and clean - I'm not making you rice or french fries because you won't eat mashed potatoes or turkey or anything else but corn.

His parents aren't nitpicky, but they don't do anything about his bratty or rude behavior.

Can I just take his phone and put it in the trunk when I'm driving? I know I'll get sh!t from brother and SIL, but the kid's brattiness is their fault.

I also think this is likely anxiety. It might not completely change the way you deal with it but it is important to keep it in mind. You might try to keep yourself from thinking of him as the "bratty" one and try giving him some positive attention/vibes upfront.

I also bet you that this is the kid that will suddenly say to you five years from now, "Do you remember when you took us to that Escape Room?! I LOVED that!"

OP here. Thanks for this. I’m willing to give it a different thought, but I don’t understand how constant complaining and lack of gratitude can manifest as anxiety.

And yeah, maybe I come across as a bit harsh, but it’s non stop negativity, complaining, and disrespect. And the parents don’t do anything except offer a half hearted “Jimmy, it’s aunt larla’s car” at most. He is an only child. I know most only children don’t fit the stereotype, but he does. And it’s always been that way. I could not imagine being rude to a grownup as a kid - it’s a matter of respecting other people’s things (my car, my rules) and saying 'thank you.' I’d appreciate insight how this manifests as “anxiety."

For one thing, children don't react like adults do, so it's not surprising that if you have anxiety, you would react very differently.
It is also probably that if you had anxiety, what you would do is turn down one or more of the activities during this family weekend, and take some time to yourself to recharge. A kid doesn't have that power, so if he's anxious before arriving at grandma's the first evening, it is just going to multiply over the course of the weekend. Ultimately, he won't even be able to say there's a particular thing or event he's anxious about (if he even could to begin with). Instead, he's just going to feel a little crazed, and upset, and have knots in his stomach. And he's going to look for something causing that discomfort, which will be whatever the source of the latest excitement is.

When he says he wants to eat corn, that's his way of trying to exert some control and calm himself down. We smile at adults who "need" alcohol to survive family events, but give kids very little latitude to do anything to control their environment.

OP, you're already worried about how badly he's going to irritate you; can you not imagine that his 11-year-old mind is also turning over all the ways people are going to find him problematic on Thanksgiving and wishing he didn't have to go?

Adult anxiety is recognized as a condition that needs treatment, but adults with anxiety will tell you that even on medication, new or exciting events, especially those where they have no access to their own things and own routines can cause decompensation. It's the same for children, but they lack the insight to recognize it and tell you that's what's going on.

Yes, Jesus thank you pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^ To add, I also have a similar activity planned for the nieces/nephews. I know everyone else will love it. I don't know whether to completely and totally ignore him, or tell him he can sit out and stay home while everyone else has fun. I know he wants to spend time with the other kids, but the constant complaining of nothing ever being perfect and good enough to his liking, is getting obnoxious.

I have an anxious kid (10) who usually manifests with anger, but she complains a good deal too. Usually she only does it with us and not anyone else; she knows it is socially unacceptable. Here's my take on things:

Tell all the kids what the outing involves and what is expected. Maybe give them a choice or two: "We're going ice skating at 10:30 for a two hour session. This means we'll leave the house at 10 am. There will be a few rest breaks while they clean the ice, and anyone can skate over to the side if they get tired at any point. I hope we can get hot chocolate during one of those breaks. At 12 pm, we'll turn in our skates and get lunch. Do you guys think we should eat at the burger place by the skating rink or hop into the car and drive to Uncle Julio's for lunch?" Take questions and answer them. If anyone has trouble with something and gets complainy, be very matter of fact about it. DD will sometimes threaten not to come; that's fine, stay home. Sometimes she really just wants a big reaction, so I don't give it to her.

Before you get into the car, happily ask "does everyone have earbuds for their phones or have them on silent? If I hear them, it really distracts me. I'll need to take away anything that I can hear." If you end up taking it away, sympathize with him once "I know, it's too bad that phone wasn't silenced and I had to take it away. You'll get it back when we get home." Then ignore and change the subject -- Do you think the redskins will sign Kapernick to replace Alex Smith? How ironic would that be?

As for the food, it is your job to put out healthy food for people to eat. It is the people's job to eat the food. He eats corn, so he isn't going hungry. I bet he also eats rolls and probably milk. He's also 11 and can nuke up some rice if he needs it.


Sympathize with the kid when he complains about something "Oh, it's too bad that 12 pm session didn't work for more people. What was it about that session that appealed to you more? Hey, did you see that lady do those cool jumps?"


A lot o the complaining and anger that come along with anxiety can really get other people down if they take it personally. I've taken the position that it's my kid's way of telling me that she feels bad/worried about something, so I try to use her language to make her feel better. It is weird and exhausting and annoying at times, but it stops me from getting completely depressed every single day.

THHISSSSSS

[Anonymous]

I have an 8 yo and recognize some of the behaviors.
With the phone, I would just make it a no screen time in the car time/rule. My kid loves screens but gets carried away so if I want compliance I tell him no screens for the time being, he can play at home when I don’t need anything from him.
Complaining: I would just give him the option to stay home. I take my son despite complaining and he often likes it, but if someone else was taking them I would be grateful if he had a choice to opt out and not annoy others with complaints.
Food: he would be fine eating rolls and corn. Actually if you told me it was ok to bring food for him, I would bring rice/steak/whatever he would eat.

Trust me, I don’t look forward to bringing my kid to gatherings. All I can do is try to make it easy on you.

[Anonymous]

All these excuses and people who are trashing you? No wonder there are so many bratty kids these days.

He can eat what is served. He can enjoy the activity or stay with mom and dad. He can lose his phone for the day after one warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah! The "cool" Aunt with no kids syndrome.

Ah! The makes ridiculous stereotypes about people without kids syndrome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, OP, you win. Your post has brought out ALL the usual, tried and true DCUM blame-the-OP greatest hits here:

He must be an only child, therefore--anxiety! Because only children surely are anxious and/or socially awkward.

You, OP, need to chillax here. Let it go!

You, OP, must have anxiety!

It's only a few days, just deal with it.

And so on. Did anyone use the term "unclench" here? Sorry if I missed that classic.

What a total crock. I'm with you, OP. Give his parents a big smile and a heads-up: "Whenever I drive Sonny, I ask that he use headphones (etc.) but he argues it with me and continues to use (device) against the rule I use for anyone who's in the car. I wanted to let you know that next time I drive him I'm asking him to put the device on the back seat while he's in the front. Im giving you a heads-up because I figure he'll complain to you but I've got a thing about distractions for me as the driver." Then DO it. He wants a ride? No device at all, not even with headphones. I would be a harda$$ about this.

Super long drive? You can be really sweet and let him have his headphones and the first violation means you pull over and make him put the device on the back seat.

Food: Find out at least one dish he likes and have it. Maybe two. And rolls. He will not die of hunger. Make sure you ask his parents what he would most like to eat (without adding, though it's tempting, "Because he's a pain about food." Resist it, OP....). His parents will at least hear that you are trying to be accommodating re: food.

Whining about a really nice outing: If all cousins are going, yeah, I'd take him too. His cousins likely are well aware what a complainer he is. I'd have him go too and ignore like crazy. If he's being really vocal, invite him to go sit in the lobby if he can't handle it. Say this loudly and firmly.

You forgot: struggling with how to deal with a relative/someone else’s kid’s difficult behavior? Must be because you have no children of your own (never mind the fact that OP had yet to even mention whether or not she has children & that most people would find her nephew’s behavior difficult regardless even if they were parents themselves).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, OP, you win. Your post has brought out ALL the usual, tried and true DCUM blame-the-OP greatest hits here:

He must be an only child, therefore--anxiety! Because only children surely are anxious and/or socially awkward.

You, OP, need to chillax here. Let it go!

You, OP, must have anxiety!

It's only a few days, just deal with it.

And so on. Did anyone use the term "unclench" here? Sorry if I missed that classic.

What a total crock. I'm with you, OP. Give his parents a big smile and a heads-up: "Whenever I drive Sonny, I ask that he use headphones (etc.) but he argues it with me and continues to use (device) against the rule I use for anyone who's in the car. I wanted to let you know that next time I drive him I'm asking him to put the device on the back seat while he's in the front. Im giving you a heads-up because I figure he'll complain to you but I've got a thing about distractions for me as the driver." Then DO it. He wants a ride? No device at all, not even with headphones. I would be a harda$$ about this.

Super long drive? You can be really sweet and let him have his headphones and the first violation means you pull over and make him put the device on the back seat.

Food: Find out at least one dish he likes and have it. Maybe two. And rolls. He will not die of hunger. Make sure you ask his parents what he would most like to eat (without adding, though it's tempting, "Because he's a pain about food." Resist it, OP....). His parents will at least hear that you are trying to be accommodating re: food.

Whining about a really nice outing: If all cousins are going, yeah, I'd take him too. His cousins likely are well aware what a complainer he is. I'd have him go too and ignore like crazy. If he's being really vocal, invite him to go sit in the lobby if he can't handle it. Say this loudly and firmly.

You forgot: struggling with how to deal with a relative/someone else’s kid’s difficult behavior? Must be because you have no children of your own (never mind the fact that OP had yet to even mention whether or not she has children & that most people would find her nephew’s behavior difficult regardless even if they were parents themselves).

And: kid constantly misbehaves/exhibits obnoxious behavior & it annoys you? Shame on you! He obviously isn’t an actual brat but —like all supposed brats written about on DCUM — has special needs!

[Anonymous]

As the host, if there was a work colleague that would only eat corn, you'd make something else. Treat your nephew better than you would your work colleague. He's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the host, if there was a work colleague that would only eat corn, you'd make something else. Treat your nephew better than you would your work colleague. He's family.

She's family too, so why is it okay for him to not eat what she makes? It's a two-way street. And please, don't bring up sensory issues.

[Anonymous]

Stop inviting him to your house and tell parents why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Wow, OP, you win. Your post has brought out ALL the usual, tried and true DCUM blame-the-OP greatest hits here:

He must be an only child, therefore--anxiety! Because only children surely are anxious and/or socially awkward.

You, OP, need to chillax here. Let it go!

You, OP, must have anxiety!

It's only a few days, just deal with it.

And so on. Did anyone use the term "unclench" here? Sorry if I missed that classic.

What a total crock. I'm with you, OP. Give his parents a big smile and a heads-up: "Whenever I drive Sonny, I ask that he use headphones (etc.) but he argues it with me and continues to use (device) against the rule I use for anyone who's in the car. I wanted to let you know that next time I drive him I'm asking him to put the device on the back seat while he's in the front. Im giving you a heads-up because I figure he'll complain to you but I've got a thing about distractions for me as the driver." Then DO it. He wants a ride? No device at all, not even with headphones. I would be a harda$$ about this.

Super long drive? You can be really sweet and let him have his headphones and the first violation means you pull over and make him put the device on the back seat.

Food: Find out at least one dish he likes and have it. Maybe two. And rolls. He will not die of hunger. Make sure you ask his parents what he would most like to eat (without adding, though it's tempting, "Because he's a pain about food." Resist it, OP....). His parents will at least hear that you are trying to be accommodating re: food.

Whining about a really nice outing: If all cousins are going, yeah, I'd take him too. His cousins likely are well aware what a complainer he is. I'd have him go too and ignore like crazy. If he's being really vocal, invite him to go sit in the lobby if he can't handle it. Say this loudly and firmly.

You forgot: struggling with how to deal with a relative/someone else’s kid’s difficult behavior? Must be because you have no children of your own (never mind the fact that OP had yet to even mention whether or not she has children & that most people would find her nephew’s behavior difficult regardless even if they were parents themselves).

And: kid constantly misbehaves/exhibits obnoxious behavior & it annoys you? Shame on you! He obviously isn’t an actual brat but —like all supposed brats written about on DCUM — has special needs!

Stop using Special Needs for horribly behaved children who are brats. He is 11 and a effing spoiled brat. I would tell them to leave him at home.

[Anonymous]

You just need to push all of this back on your sibling and his/her spouse. They can call an Uber to ride with their son or they can rent a car. Tell them what you're serving for dinner and that they can bring something else if the kid doesn't want to eat what's on the menu. If you plan an outing and nephew starts complaining, tell your sibling they need to stay home with their kid, find something else for him to do, or be prepared to come and pick him up.

It's not your job to accommodate him when he acts like this, even if he is family.

[Anonymous]

Why is my comment gone? We have a situation like this in the family because SIL has never disciplined her brats. My kids and the other cousins can’t stand them. It’s a natural consequence. Sorry if that’s an inconvenient truth for the Permissive Parenting Police.