Is there hope for rebuilding a marriage after an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if it happens multiple times then it's a question of is he committed to the marriage? If he is not, then you should not be. I always thought I would immediately divorce until I watched this video of Esther Perel. It did make me reconsider things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LancT_0yMAo

Esther is not a researcher, she is trying to sell books and will just say anything to sell a book.

The Ann Coulter of affair advice.

+1. I don’t like her and really think she minimizes the trauma and abuse to the cheated person. She somewhat coyly admits that she doesn’t have a monogamous marital relationship. Her academic credentials are very thin. what she sells is based on her experience in her psychotherapy practice, not on am studies or trials. She has a masters degree in expressive art therapy, so I don’t take her too seriously.

[Anonymous]

I know I'm firmly in the minority here. But I do completely understand the feelings of not wanting to just throw away all the things that are good in your relationship because of infidelity. Its horrible, 100%. But some people have selfish moments, and they are assholes for those actions for sure, but that doesn't always mean you want to leave or implode your life. I dont know. Only you can know if your marriage fits this scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Staying with a cheater = ultimate demonstration of self-contempt, and admission you have low value and lack options

Amen

Anyone who stays has no self respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

I agree to an extent but then my question is, why did you not raise those issues with your SO? Why lie and betray trust instead of being upfront about what the real problem is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH cheats several times with the same woman. I find out and confront. It doesn’t happen again (of course, that I know of). Add in counseling to deal with small issues that lead to the adultury. Marriage is strong and happiness ensues....


Is this a pipe dream? Am I deluding myself?

If small issues led to an affair, you are doomed.

[Anonymous]

of course there is hope, although there will be plenty of cheerleaders here to tell you to divorce to validate their own divorce or two try to scold evil cheaters. The biggest question is this colon how did he treat you before and what efforts is he making now to be a better husband? Infidelity is common, it's how people react to it that will answer this question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm firmly in the minority here. But I do completely understand the feelings of not wanting to just throw away all the things that are good in your relationship because of infidelity. Its horrible, 100%. But some people have selfish moments, and they are assholes for those actions for sure, but that doesn't always mean you want to leave or implode your life. I dont know. Only you can know if your marriage fits this scenario

I agree but that means you are accepting the fact you are married to a cheater and it will happen over and over again.

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I know a couple where the wife cheated, and they did do some counseling. I'm not sure they've continued. She did not want a divorce and stopped contact with her AP (as far as I know). I do think she and her husband want to stay married. Whether or not they're taking whatever steps are necessary to heal or repair their marriage, I'm not sure. I hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot unring that bell.

I know a number of women who stayed because of the financial and societal benefits of marriage. I would not describe these marriages as healthy, even when the partners love each other. Trust is nearly impossible to rebuild. A few women who were cheated on are now remorseless serial cheaters. I, for one, couldn’t live that way, but YMMV.

I’m a woman who left my cheating husband, and I’ll couch the issue this way. If (1) my husband had been an otherwise joy, respectful, fun, kind, and thoughtful AND (2) had committed to rebuilding our marriage as his main focus after the cheating, I would have considered staying. Unfortunately, neither of these factors were present, and I saw no benefit, save financial, in staying with him. Even with that being the case, it was not worth my dignity.

X 2

[Anonymous]

Coming from a guy and a cheater. He has to put all the cards on the table

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

It's completely wrong in your case. In my case, (and I'm not the person who posted the quote above) it was exactly that--it was emotional violence. He absolutely got off on knowing what he was getting away with. He actually used to bait me, like dropping their names in conversation just to see how I would react. And when I would accuse him of cheating, he was never happier than he was when he was gaslighting me and making me feel like a crazy and terrible person. Looking back, I can't believe how bad it was and how long I took it.

All of which is to say that nothing is true for everyone. Some people cheat to seek something outside their marriage that they aren't getting at home. And some people cheat because they are the kind of people who just want to. And some people fall somewhere in the middle of those two places.

In relation to whether or not there is hope, the question is not is a cheater can be really faithful. The question is, do you want to be in a marriage where that's hanging over you for the rest of your relationship? Because that really is the only absolute, no matter why it happened in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with a cheater = ultimate demonstration of self-contempt, and admission you have low value and lack options

Amen

Anyone who stays has no self respect.

Not true. Someone who stays and helps their spouse deal with their demons doesn't lack self-respect. If anything, they show compassion and understand that everyone is human and makes mistakes. My sister did this and their marriage is stronger than ever. Her husband struggled with issues from his childhood that lead him to engage in escapism and avoid conflict at all costs. He had a brief affair. She stayed with him while he went to intense individual counseling and they together went to marital counseling. She is truly happy now, but it did take time and was a very painful process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Yes they are.

+1,000,000. Also, DIVORCE BEFORE you find "happiness" elsewhere. Despite the status of their marriage, cheaters have a problem within themselves. Though since you are a cheater, you won't acknowledge that. What you'll do is take your problems to your next relationship and probably cheat in that one too.

Total agree - the affair with a married affair partner is the inability to deal with your martial issues and justify it to yourself. Without you knowing it or not, you are directly abusing your spouse. When a marriage is unfulfilling, just have the decency to tell your DH. God forbid their are kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Staying with a cheater = ultimate demonstration of self-contempt, and admission you have low value and lack options

Amen

Anyone who stays has no self respect.

Not true. Someone who stays and helps their spouse deal with their demons doesn't lack self-respect. If anything, they show compassion and understand that everyone is human and makes mistakes. My sister did this and their marriage is stronger than ever. Her husband struggled with issues from his childhood that lead him to engage in escapism and avoid conflict at all costs. He had a brief affair. She stayed with him while he went to intense individual counseling and they together went to marital counseling. She is truly happy now, but it did take time and was a very painful process.

Yes - my brother was dealing with depression and had been married for 10 years. Unknown to him, his wife was having an extra marital affair with a married man. Her reasoning was that the marriage lacked the fulfillment that she desired so she hid the extra marital affair from her DH, family, kids until the divorce was final. The emotional abuse caused by my brother's XW's affair still resonates. The great end is that my brother dealt with the issue of depression and remarried to a wonderful woman, who is not a cheater or liar. Karma has its way of addressing individuals who commit affairs and destroy family's.

[Anonymous]

I guess you have to have an open mind and be willing to forgive....but this is a minority view that few people seem to share.