Is there hope for rebuilding a marriage after an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

The underlying issue is you are a shitty human being. Usually there's no fixing that.

People can fix it, but it takes work. You can’t fake that work. The process is painful, and sometimes long suffering, but always reading. Most don’t commit to it. They have become accustomed to the stench and probably don’t even smell it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Rewarding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

The underlying issue is you are a shitty human being. Usually there's no fixing that.

Maybe. Maybe not. Obviously you have a very hard line about this. I think people are a lot more complex than “shitty” and “not shitty.”

[Anonymous]

You cannot unring that bell.

I know a number of women who stayed because of the financial and societal benefits of marriage. I would not describe these marriages as healthy, even when the partners love each other. Trust is nearly impossible to rebuild. A few women who were cheated on are now remorseless serial cheaters. I, for one, couldn’t live that way, but YMMV.

I’m a woman who left my cheating husband, and I’ll couch the issue this way. If (1) my husband had been an otherwise joy, respectful, fun, kind, and thoughtful AND (2) had committed to rebuilding our marriage as his main focus after the cheating, I would have considered staying. Unfortunately, neither of these factors were present, and I saw no benefit, save financial, in staying with him. Even with that being the case, it was not worth my dignity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

The underlying issue is you are a shitty human being. Usually there's no fixing that.

Maybe. Maybe not. Obviously you have a very hard line about this. I think people are a lot more complex than “shitty” and “not shitty.”

Maybe. But it all smells the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op,it is possible to recover. I say this as a man who made mistakes that I know I won't repeat

I think the poster up thread who said that cheating isn’t a symptom of a marriage with problems. However, I do think cheating can indicate that one person in the marriage has issues with the marriage or marrie in general that need to be addressed. It’s not enough to just not make mistakes again. The underlying issue that causes you to make those mistakes needs to be addressed. Otherwise you’re basically a dry drunk.

The underlying issue is you are a shitty human being. Usually there's no fixing that.

Maybe. Maybe not. Obviously you have a very hard line about this. I think people are a lot more complex than “shitty” and “not shitty.”

Cheating is shitty. There's nothing complex about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Of course they are. Marriage is one thing and sex is entirely different. For every AP like yours there probably twenty men who are content in their marriage but just want sexual variety every now and then, and would be aghast at the suggestion that their marriages need to end over their occasional need for sexual variety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Yes they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Yes they are.

+1,000,000. Also, DIVORCE BEFORE you find "happiness" elsewhere. Despite the status of their marriage, cheaters have a problem within themselves. Though since you are a cheater, you won't acknowledge that. What you'll do is take your problems to your next relationship and probably cheat in that one too.

[Anonymous]

I cheated, I wasn't caught but I know I wouldn't do it again.

[Anonymous]

I think if it happens multiple times then it's a question of is he committed to the marriage? If he is not, then you should not be. I always thought I would immediately divorce until I watched this video of Esther Perel. It did make me reconsider things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LancT_0yMAo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it happens multiple times then it's a question of is he committed to the marriage? If he is not, then you should not be. I always thought I would immediately divorce until I watched this video of Esther Perel. It did make me reconsider things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LancT_0yMAo

You were cheated on and stayed? And are happier for it? (Can’t watch the video - on a plane)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if it happens multiple times then it's a question of is he committed to the marriage? If he is not, then you should not be. I always thought I would immediately divorce until I watched this video of Esther Perel. It did make me reconsider things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LancT_0yMAo

Esther is not a researcher, she is trying to sell books and will just say anything to sell a book.

The Ann Coulter of affair advice.

[Anonymous]

to deal with small issues that lead to the adultury

I don't think so

And Op, re: the title of your thread, the answer is, "no"