Reply to Is there hope for rebuilding a marriage after an affair?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]No.  you will never trust him again.  How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something.  Do you want to live like that?

[b]Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage.  Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse.[/b]  Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you.  It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect.  But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again. [/quote]

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

[/quote]

It's completely wrong in your case. In my case, (and I'm not the person who posted the quote above) it was exactly that--it was emotional violence. He absolutely got off on knowing what he was getting away with. He actually used to bait me, like dropping their names in conversation just to see how I would react. And when I would accuse him of cheating, he was never happier than he was when he was gaslighting me and making me feel like a crazy and terrible person. Looking back, I can't believe how bad it was and how long I took it.

All of which is to say that nothing is true for everyone. Some people cheat to seek something outside their marriage that they aren't getting at home. And some people cheat because they are the kind of people who just want to. And some people fall somewhere in the middle of those two places.

In relation to whether or not there is hope, the question is not is a cheater can be really faithful. The question is, do you want to be in a marriage where that's hanging over you for the rest of your relationship?  Because that really is the only absolute, no matter why it happened in the first place.[/quote]

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