Is there hope for rebuilding a marriage after an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess you have to have an open mind and be willing to forgive....but this is a minority view that few people seem to share.

Disagree - marriage is dealing with the good and bad times. At least have the respect to divorce before having a marital affair. Individuals keep justifying an affair based on lack of sex or a spouse did not get some aspect fulfilled. Just divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Yes they are.

+1,000,000. Also, DIVORCE BEFORE you find "happiness" elsewhere. Despite the status of their marriage, cheaters have a problem within themselves. Though since you are a cheater, you won't acknowledge that. What you'll do is take your problems to your next relationship and probably cheat in that one too.

Total agree - the affair with a married affair partner is the inability to deal with your martial issues and justify it to yourself. Without you knowing it or not, you are directly abusing your spouse. When a marriage is unfulfilling, just have the decency to tell your DH. God forbid their are kids involved.

t


The issues of extra marital affairs with justifications need to evaluate the core reason why an affair needs to happen. Currently, my wife denies a marital affair but it is clear the affair based on the evidence is taken place with a married man. The reasons are irrelavant but I know she needs to address her short cominings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Beaware that your thought process is wrong. My wife is currently in an extra marital affair and denies it but for similar facts you state. It is sad and degrading that her request for separation and divorce in her mind justify her affair. For my marriage, I hope she does the right thing and end her marital affair with AP for me and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Just wondering how long has this affair been going on? Has the female and AP told their spouses? If not, how do you guys meet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

Unsure how the female rationalizes the behavior of going outside the marriage to condone the affair. If there is an unfulfilling marriage , address it with the DH and stop hiding it and lying about it. From experience, it will come out and your family and your AP will have a fall out. Unless you do not care about your DH, family and only yourself. If that is the case, that is sad and you need to take some time to soul search what is your purpose with this affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you have to have an open mind and be willing to forgive....but this is a minority view that few people seem to share.

Disagree - marriage is dealing with the good and bad times. At least have the respect to divorce before having a marital affair. Individuals keep justifying an affair based on lack of sex or a spouse did not get some aspect fulfilled. Just divorce.

But lack of sex is a good reason to go elsewhere. Marital respect and the obligation to just divorce falls equally to a sexless spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you have to have an open mind and be willing to forgive....but this is a minority view that few people seem to share.

Disagree - marriage is dealing with the good and bad times. At least have the respect to divorce before having a marital affair. Individuals keep justifying an affair based on lack of sex or a spouse did not get some aspect fulfilled. Just divorce.

But lack of sex is a good reason to go elsewhere. Marital respect and the obligation to just divorce falls equally to a sexless spouse.

If more sex is what you wanted, did you ask your DH? A lack of fulfillment such as sex can be addressed. I know if my STBXW would of communicated the lack of sex because of everything going on in our lifes, I would of made it a priority. I loved being intimate with my STBXW and she is a beautiful woman. As to marital respect, it seems you have a AP and believe that the sexless spouse is equally at fault. Explain

[Anonymous]

What the OP is dealing with is not a one-night stand or a husband who sleeps with various other women for the sexual thrill of it. This guy is having a continuing affair with the same woman. This is not emotionaless serial cheating.

OP - have you confronted your husband about ending it with this woman but he keeps going back to her? Plus, is she married? Why not tell her husband?

[Anonymous]

I could never trust him again. Later on I learned he lied about other stuff too. Pretty much a serial liar and a cheat. I'm so much happier without him.

[Anonymous]

OP he pretends to be a good boy to string you along. Then keeps going behind your back.

Is this how you think marriage should be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. you will never trust him again. How ever much you want it to work, every time he works late, every time he doesn't answer his phone, every time he travels, every time he crosses paths with this woman, you will suspect something. Do you want to live like that?

Affairs are not a symptom of deeper issues in a marriage. Affairs are an act of emotional violence against ones spouse, the same as any other kind of abuse. Don't ever let anyone, therapist or otherwise, suggest you had anything to do with your spouse's decision to repeatedly cheat, lie, and manipulate you. It's likely your marriage wasn't perfect, but no relationship is perfect. But no amount of nagging, lack of sex, lack of communication, fill in the blank, justifies the kind of emotional abuse your spouse repeatedly chose to put you through.

If your spouse even hints that you had anything at all to do with the affair, get out now. You are still in an abusive relationship and it will happen again.

Yeah. That’s completely wrong. People in happy marriages aren’t out sleeping with other people. As someone in an affair with a married affair partner, I can tell you my affair was the direct result of my spouses physical and emotional abuse and untreated depression. APs affair was the result of his wife deciding she didn’t want to have sex any more. After a few years he looked elsewhere. We’re both divorcing now. It has nothing to do with wanting to abuse our spouses. Both just in unfulfilling marriages that found what we were missing elsewhere.

A friend of mine has a spouse who is in AP affair with a married affair partner. My friend went to a difficult time dealing with depression but his wife left him for another person. He had to deal with his wife telling him there was no sex or affection as before. Spouses have to be honest because relationships are difficult and the female above had to deal with a DH that I hope now has addressed his depression.

[Anonymous]

OP here. He has ended the affair. It was sex. I have spoken with her. I know the affair is over and not coming back and DH wants us to work on our relationship to try to rebuild. I hope that is something we can do.