DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins - how to steer her to others?

[Anonymous]

I would require her to do a few diversified activities. Tell her it is for her high school or college application process, not to diversify her friends. Tell her she needs to be "well rounded" and that means having at least 4 activities/interests each year.

1) something intellectual/academic (chess club, mathletes, tutoring)
2) something service related (key club, scouts, service groups)
3) something physical (sports team, dance class, running club)
4) something religious/spiritual (CCD class, Sunday school etc.)

you could add/interchange

5) something musical/art (instrument, chorus, photography)

I don't really think kids need all these but TELL her they do. They don't all have to happen every week but she should be involved in lots of different groups during the year. That just diversifies her friend base, gives her things to be doing so she isn't always hanging around waiting for these girls to invite her to things.

[Anonymous]

I've always said to my kids that you can not control how others feel about you, good or bad.

Why does your kid have to hang out with cool crowd? She can form her own cool crowd. Kids want to hang out with talented people. If your daughter does not yet have a skill, go get it like becoming a good athlete or musican/singer. If she has those, other kids will gravitate to her and she can pick and choose with whoever she wants to hang out with. It's that simple.

[Anonymous]

NP....It could be good to explain things thoughtfully and gently to your DD in a way that is as objective as possible. I saw my son's *third grade* class have a really pronounced 'popular crowd' dynamic and it was stunning to me that it can happen so early. My son was sad (a little hurt) to see his former bestie quickly gravitate to them, and it was a good eye-opener for me that kids do need some guidance in navigating these kinds of dynamics.
The way I explained it to my son was along the lines below--I'm trying to translate it to a teenage daughter version, and where she's trying to gravitate towards the group herself.

Perhaps you can explain that in [insert past experience here] you saw how natural it is for people to want to gravitate towards the center of an exciting group. And that people were eager to belong to this group because they could see that the group members were having fun amongst themselves.
People gravitating towards the group were doing so because they thought that if they belonged to this group, they would therefore automatically be having fun too, and feel all the positive gains from "belonging," such as being able to generate fun; have confidence, social status, etc..
But in doing so they were ultimately looking to gain satisfaction, fun, and confidence from an external source, while instead they *could* have been demonstrating their own confidence and fun etc. And if someone can be a source of fun, confidence, belonging on their own, they don't need others to provide it for them. Your DD has the opportunity to be someone who demonstrates fun, acceptance, kindness, all of which will draw people to her who value those things. If she focuses on demonstrating that 'quiet power' (that's what I called it when speaking with my much younger son), people will gravitate to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always said to my kids that you can not control how others feel about you, good or bad.

Why does your kid have to hang out with cool crowd? She can form her own cool crowd. Kids want to hang out with talented people. If your daughter does not yet have a skill, go get it like becoming a good athlete or musican/singer. If she has those, other kids will gravitate to her and she can pick and choose with whoever she wants to hang out with. It's that simple.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, friends change, thy ebb and flow. The sooner you learn that, the sooner your child learns that. It does not have to be an issue. Give your child the gift of expanding their horizons. Tell your child that thy have to pick an outside interest, as other PPs have suggested. This is part of your job as a parent, to guide your child. You can not force anyone to like you or your child, or anyone else, for that matter. This is an important life lesson. Instead, teach your child that there are friends to be had everywhere, not just in your back yard.

[Anonymous]

This is one fortunate young lady to have such a caring, sensitive Mom. You will do what's right for her.

For me as I noticed this type of situation in my children's lives I just couldn't stand by and let them suffer and hurt but I also knew that if I pushed I might be the one to hurt them. I tried to help them see their situation by asking questions and letting them come up with solutions. That way they weren't put on the defensive and were able to find their own way to deal with things, probably much better than my solutions would have been. Note I didn't always agree with their solution but I honored their right to try.

The thing I kept hoping for is that they would keep me posted, which didn't always happen. Then I was tempted to interfere so I had to develop very good ears and eyes. That also meant that I had to make a lot of extra effort to at least be "in the wings" as they lived their lives, without becoming a "helicopter Mom". Many times that also meant that our house was the gathering place, which is a great situation. After everyone would leave we would share, mostly I would listen. I especially learned to praise when I had observed some very wise behavior happening.

My son narrowed it down quite well as he become a parent. He told his children, "I am not your friend, I am your parent and will do what I believe is best for you. Hopefully, we can become friends as you grow into a man/woman. "

I am praying for you to have wisdom and a wonderful relationship with your daughter.

[Anonymous]

My son steered away from the popular crowd, or more accurately, was left out of the popular crowd as he's gone through high school.

He told me that the popular kids go to parties every weekend. Their parents either don't care, or at very least look the other way in regards to drinking, and smoking weed. I don't look the other way, so he started getting left out. He has a group of friends and their parents don't look the other way either.

Is he perfect, no of course not. But I'm not going to condone or ignore risky behavior. If that means he isn't popular, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always said to my kids that you can not control how others feel about you, good or bad.

Why does your kid have to hang out with cool crowd? She can form her own cool crowd. Kids want to hang out with talented people. If your daughter does not yet have a skill, go get it like becoming a good athlete or musican/singer. If she has those, other kids will gravitate to her and she can pick and choose with whoever she wants to hang out with. It's that simple.

+1

Same for adults too. So many straphangers in this town who'd do much better to develop a skill set or expertise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - thanks - to clarify, my DD isn’t happy being on the periphery and is constantly disapointed in these girls and upset that they don’t invite her to things outside of school. She keeps hoping for a deeper level friendship with one or more of these girls and keeps getting the same result. DD ends up not valuing girls who so treat her well and want to hang out with her because she’s so focused on these other ones.

But wI get it - can’t over do anything but surely there is some way to help her realize a that a good friendship wouldn’t leave her feeling this way before her self esteem is really crushed.

I already responded to you OP.

We get it. I certainly think you can say to her that friends should not make you feel the way she is currently feeling. But don't go too hard or she'll just stop talking to you about it.

However, this is part of parenting. They go through things and don't listen to us, which is incredibly frustrating, and they need to learn it themselves. Surely you have examples of this from your own teenage years.

Dd is 25 and was just home for the weekend from graduate school. We got to talking about difficult people she works with and she recalled how we told her in middle school that the "friend" she felt was picking on her was just insecure and she didn't have to hang out with her. She realizes now that that was the case but she couldn't see it in middle school. OP, listen to your kid when she says she's frustrated. Let her know you've heard. Then maybe ask her what she wants to do about it? I think I should have listened more and given fewer suggestions. But the kid turned out okay anyway fortunately!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, how old is she (and what grade is she in)--this makes a difference in the advice--12 y.o. tween is very different, brain-development-wise, than 16.

Second, 10:34 touches on "popularity" and there is this great book (for parents) called "Untangled" which helps a parent explain the difference between popularity and powerful girls. It's good to start using those words intentionally, as the distinction is blurred by common usage.

Third, I think one trick is when your kid is miserable and complaining or commenting to you, to just say, "wow, that just sounds really rough, and this isn't the first time that X and Y have pulled that crappy stunt. What do you think you should do?" (or "how do you think you should handle it?" or "what is your plan for dealing with it?" or "do you have a plan for dealing with it?")

I'm saying that because no doubt you've already offered your advice and she's not open to it, but she IS listening. If you sort of let her do the thinking there, she'll probably come up with something similar to your advice, but this way she has ownership and thought it out instead of leaving the thinking to you...she'll possibly end up saying something as if it's a brand new idea, as if she never heard you at all...and when that happens, I just bite my tongue and don't remind her that that was what I've been telling her all along.

I agree. Instead of telling her that these girls are not good friends and that they aren't the kind of people who will ever be good friends for her, ask questions about how she feels. Ask her to think of ways to deal with it. Be a sounding board for her to talk it though. Then, it's her idea, and she might feel more empowered to deal with it than if you tell her to do X and she does X. She has to learn this for herself, and the best you can do is listen and sympathize and facilitate that learning.

Like this pp said, it's better if it's her idea rather than your idea, OP. You want her to figure this out for herself. But also you don't want her thinking she has to do something to make you happy. I know that you don't intend to do that but making it too evident that you're worried about her (and therefore unhappy) might have that effect.

[Anonymous]

My mom tried to point out the obvious and I left the conversation thinking "even my mom thinks I'm a loser." Get her involved in activities, get her off instagram, highlight the positivie aspects of your own friendships, affirm her when she is sad. But please don't tell her what she already knows. It's humiliating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've always said to my kids that you can not control how others feel about you, good or bad.

Why does your kid have to hang out with cool crowd? She can form her own cool crowd. Kids want to hang out with talented people. If your daughter does not yet have a skill, go get it like becoming a good athlete or musican/singer. If she has those, other kids will gravitate to her and she can pick and choose with whoever she wants to hang out with. It's that simple.

+1

Same for adults too. So many straphangers in this town who'd do much better to develop a skill set or expertise.

x10000

Isn't it obvious to hang out with people who actually want you around? Who you have something in common with? Social climbing parents do their children NO favors.

OP, your DC should be finding children more like them, and you should be helping, by going forward, and helping your DC find new interests, hobbies and groups. You are the parent, that is your job. Stop dwelling on who is and who is not doing what and move on - act like the adult, and give your child useful and lifelong essential coping skills (instead of trying to "right" something that is blown up, only in your mind).