Reply to DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins

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Reply to "DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins - how to steer her to others?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First, how old is she (and what grade is she in)--this makes a difference in the advice--12 y.o. tween is very different, brain-development-wise, than 16.

Second, 10:34 touches on "popularity" and there is this great book (for parents) called "Untangled" which helps a parent explain the difference between popularity and powerful girls.  It's good to start using those words intentionally, as the distinction is blurred by common usage.

Third, I think one trick is when your kid is miserable and complaining or commenting to you, to just say, "wow, that just sounds really rough, and this isn't the first time that X and Y have pulled that crappy stunt.  What do you think you should do?" (or "how do you think you should handle it?" or "what is your plan for dealing with it?" or "do you have a plan for dealing with it?")

I'm saying that because no doubt you've already offered your advice and she's not open to it, but she IS listening.  If you sort of let her do the thinking there, she'll probably come up with something similar to your advice, but this way she has ownership and thought it out instead of leaving the thinking to you...she'll possibly end up saying something as if it's a brand new idea, as if she never heard you at all...and when that happens, I just bite my tongue and don't remind her that that was what I've been telling her all along.[/quote]

I agree.  Instead of telling her that these girls are not good friends and that they aren't the kind of people who will ever be good friends for her, ask questions about how she feels.  Ask her to think of ways to deal with it.  Be a sounding board for her to talk it though.  Then, it's her idea, and she might feel more empowered to deal with it than if you tell her to do X and she does X.  She has to learn this for herself, and the best you can do is listen and sympathize and facilitate that learning.  [/quote]Like this pp said, it's better if it's her idea rather than your idea, OP.  You want her to figure this out for herself.  But also you don't want her thinking she has to do something to make [i]you[/i] happy.  I know that you don't intend to do that but making it too evident that you're worried about her (and therefore unhappy) might have that effect.[/quote]

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