Reply to DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins

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Reply to "DD is trying to hang out with a cool crowd where she is on the margins - how to steer her to others?"

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[quote=Anonymous]NP....It could be good to explain things thoughtfully and gently to your DD in a way that is as objective as possible. I saw my son's *third grade* class have a really pronounced 'popular crowd' dynamic and it was stunning to me that it can happen so early. My son was sad (a little hurt) to see his former bestie quickly gravitate to them, and it was a good eye-opener for me that kids do need some guidance in navigating these kinds of dynamics.
The way I explained it to my son was along the lines below--I'm trying to translate it to a teenage daughter version, and where she's trying to gravitate towards the group herself.

Perhaps you can explain that in [insert past experience here] you saw how natural it is for people to want to gravitate towards the center of an exciting group. And that people were eager to belong to this group because they could see that the group members were having fun amongst themselves.
People gravitating towards the group were doing so because they thought that if they belonged to this group, they would therefore automatically be having fun too, and feel all the positive gains from "belonging," such as being able to generate fun; have confidence, social status, etc.. 
But in doing so they were ultimately looking to gain satisfaction, fun, and confidence from an external source, while instead they *could* have been demonstrating their own confidence and fun etc. And if someone can be a source of fun, confidence, belonging on their own, they don't need others to provide it for them. Your DD has the opportunity to be someone who demonstrates fun, acceptance, kindness, all of which will draw people to her who value those things. If she focuses on demonstrating that 'quiet power' (that's what I called it when speaking with my much younger son), people will gravitate to her.

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