Boyfriend let ex-wife stay at his house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom here. I own my house with my ex. I would let him stay over. But I’d also tell a boyfriend of two! Years my plan ahead of time.

Bf is thoughtless.

This is more than thoughtless. It also sends mixed signals to a child about the parents divorce. I think this is a very intentional way for your boyfriend to tell you where your relationship stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom here. I own my house with my ex. I would let him stay over. But I’d also tell a boyfriend of two! Years my plan ahead of time.

Bf is thoughtless.

If it's a serious relationship you would "discuss" it first to see how he feels about it.

No wonder people can't keep relationships.

If nothing is going on sexually between them why can't OP still stay over there? Why did it change just because she came to town?
It's pretty crappy however you cut it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more worried that you're dating a guy who would move away from his child. Red flag on what kind of person he is.

Ooh...good point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more worried that you're dating a guy who would move away from his child. Red flag on what kind of person he is.

Ooh...good point!

Wait. I see the ex moved away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be more worried that you're dating a guy who would move away from his child. Red flag on what kind of person he is.

Ooh...good point!

Wait. I see the ex moved away.

Right--according to the OP, house was bought by boyfriend and his ex. And then she moved.

[Anonymous]

How long have you been together, OP? What's their plan for disposing of the house and settling up her interest in it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorced mom here. I own my house with my ex. I would let him stay over. But I’d also tell a boyfriend of two! Years my plan ahead of time.

Bf is thoughtless.

This is more than thoughtless. It also sends mixed signals to a child about the parents divorce. I think this is a very intentional way for your boyfriend to tell you where your relationship stands.

The ex is staying three days at their (her) house when she is coming to pick up their kid. Doubtful that is sending mixed signals about the divorce.

It's probably just logistics like a long drive back and not worth all this drama by OP.

[Anonymous]

Ex wife here and I can totally see why OP is bothered by this. It's inappropriate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is a 2 year relationship, not 2 weeks. You need to find out if you both want a future. If so he needs to sell the house, or pay her the portion owed. She cannot stay at his home. If he refuses to do both you need to stop wasting time ASAP.

It sounds like he kicked you to the curb when she came to town.

Must be nice to be independently rich.

It sounds like BF and XW bought the house, had a kid, had marital problems and divorced. XW left and BF kept the house so that the child could stay in the same schools. They probably bought a house at their limit so kid could be in a good school district. BF may not be able to afford to buy out her portion of the house and he may not be able to afford to stay in the same school district if they sold the house. They want to keep the child in the house so until he can afford to buy her out, they keep the house for the best interests of the child. XW is still co-owner of the house and there is no point in wasting money on a hotel when she is coming by to transfer child from one parent to the other, money that can be put towards the house or the child. If they stay in different rooms (likely), what's the issue?

If you aren't sympathetic to a situation created for the best interests of his child, you're a lousy partner for someone who has a child from a prior marriage. They are trying to share custody and keep the child in the same school. The only people I know in situations like this are ones who can't afford to separate their finances and still be able to care for their child for the child's best interest. When the situation changes such that they can separate the finances without causing undue financial hardship that would jeopardize the child's interests, most couples separate their finances as fast as they can.

The only issue I see is that BF did not communicate what was going to happen before XW came to town. It's a communication problem. But if you listen to PP's advice, you'll turn a communication problem into a bigger one. But then again, if OP follows PP's advice to dump him if he won't automatically financially split whether it's good for the broken family or not just because of her ultimatum, it's probably better for BF that the shallow GF dumps him anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this is a 2 year relationship, not 2 weeks. You need to find out if you both want a future. If so he needs to sell the house, or pay her the portion owed. She cannot stay at his home. If he refuses to do both you need to stop wasting time ASAP.

It sounds like he kicked you to the curb when she came to town.

Must be nice to be independently rich.

It sounds like BF and XW bought the house, had a kid, had marital problems and divorced. XW left and BF kept the house so that the child could stay in the same schools. They probably bought a house at their limit so kid could be in a good school district. BF may not be able to afford to buy out her portion of the house and he may not be able to afford to stay in the same school district if they sold the house. They want to keep the child in the house so until he can afford to buy her out, they keep the house for the best interests of the child. XW is still co-owner of the house and there is no point in wasting money on a hotel when she is coming by to transfer child from one parent to the other, money that can be put towards the house or the child. If they stay in different rooms (likely), what's the issue?

If you aren't sympathetic to a situation created for the best interests of his child, you're a lousy partner for someone who has a child from a prior marriage. They are trying to share custody and keep the child in the same school. The only people I know in situations like this are ones who can't afford to separate their finances and still be able to care for their child for the child's best interest. When the situation changes such that they can separate the finances without causing undue financial hardship that would jeopardize the child's interests, most couples separate their finances as fast as they can.

The only issue I see is that BF did not communicate what was going to happen before XW came to town. It's a communication problem. But if you listen to PP's advice, you'll turn a communication problem into a bigger one. But then again, if OP follows PP's advice to dump him if he won't automatically financially split whether it's good for the broken family or not just because of her ultimatum, it's probably better for BF that the shallow GF dumps him anyways.

Ok so why would she have to stay at her own place just because she's in town?

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the girlfriend of a relatively newly divorced man with a kid. You are not his soul-mate, wife, mother of his child, at this moment. Don't try and make your relationship more than what it is. He and you are in a mutually satisfying, limited in scope, monogamous relationship for the sake of sex and companionship right now - nothing more, nothing less. He is doing right by hus ex, his kid as well as you. You seem like a drama llama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the house still in both their names two years after the divorce?

Some people don't want to sell the house - perhaps a loss, the house is upside down, etc...

Not everyone is DC rich and pays off a house.

I’ve been divorced two years and ex wife still on house. I can’t refinance yet because I owe her too much in distribution of other assets and joint debt. In two years I can.

[Anonymous]

Divorced mom here who owns house with ex. We just never sold it or bought the other out. I've stayed in it for almost ten years now to raise the kids. I imagine I'll be here until the youngest goes off to college. We both will get half the proceeds. It's like there's one entity, the landlord, which is 50% each of us, then another entity, the tenant, which is all me.
Now it takes a degree of cooperation to manage this situation. I.e. when the AC dies and we have to replace it to the tune of $4k. Obvs you can't manage that with an unreliable ex. But if each party is diligent/responsible/does their part, it is doable.

I also don't think it would be confusing to the kids if he stayed here for three days. We cooperatively attend school functions, manage pick ups and drop offs, doctors and dentists, etc. We go out to dinner maybe two or three times a year for whatever reason as a "family". Two to three times a year does not mixed signals make.

If a child comes in and finds you in bed together in the morning? Yeah, that's a mixed signal and I think, not cool? But if he's in the guest room or on the couch NBD.

Having a mom who makes it clear she HATES my dad makes me want to make it clear to my kids that, although their dad and I were not able to make a marriage work, he is a good person. I sort of feel about him like he's a blood relation family member. Nothing romantic there but, you can't (usually, for most people) turn your family away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the house still in both their names two years after the divorce?

This. This is bad news.

[Anonymous]

It has the appearance of impropriety. He didn't tell you, you had to leave to make them appear as a family still, you probably wonder where she slept. It would bother me.