Looking for perspective on abusive childhood

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I should clarify... the beatings were not daily. On average, it was like once every few months. However, we were always in fear, and had no autonomy, or freedom.

In my opinion, the threat of being beaten, to a child, can be far more damaging than the actually physical beating. It's the constant living in fear that does the most long-term damage because your brain kind of rewires. I believe there have been studies on it. For children to be in a constant state of fear (like a fight or flight period) is not good developmentally. It's why children in homes where there is a lot of yelling (not even physical abuse) have an increased likelihood of having issues with anxiety and depression as an adult.

Children should not be in a constant state of fear. And parents who create an environment that puts their kids in a constant state of fear are abusive -- not just a little abusive, not just bad parents; they're full on abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM recommends therapy because its an important tool in recovering and healing. It doesn’t matter if the abuse was a 1 or a 10 - it is there to help you learn more realistic coping mechanisms and to help allow you to live a happier life, without needing to be tied to the past.

You’re living your life on eggshells, not living it to the fullest, based on how you’ve described yourself. And while you’re reading parenting books to make sure your kids are happy, are you doing anything to make yourself happy?

I lived a life in an abusive, alcoholic family, and also suffered sexual abuse. I moved on and told myself I was happy, that I was stronger and was able to rise above. But, as I got older (almost into my 40s), I realized I was doing what I had to do at home - living my life like nothing was wrong, shielding my feelings, walking on eggshells, pleasing people, keeping my head down and being “good”. It just stopped working for me when I realized I didn’t have close friends, including my partner, because I never let them see ME.

So I got myself into therapy. Not just “therapy”, where people think the therapist will fix them, but therapy where I decided it was time to fix myself. I’m not going to lie. The first while was horrible. I had never told anyone the details of my abuse, and when the words came out of my mouth, it hurt so much because I finally had to face the reality that that all happpened to me. But, in a weird way, it finally let it pass. It happened to me, but it was the past, I can’t change it but I also don’t have to live it anymore. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not a target forever.

It’s still a work in progress, like all things. I’ve fallen off the therapy wagon, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be.

You can move past this, OP. The fact that you are looking at your abuse on some sliding scale tells me you think you’re okay, but you’re not. Please, get the help you need, even if you don’t think you need it. Jump in with both feet and be honest with yourself and your therapist. The life on the other side of abuse is so much better, but unfortunately, you do have to do the work.

Thank you. To you and to others who have gave some thoughtful feedback. Your words resonate with me-I have been a people pleaser, and don’t feel I’m able to let anyone get too close to me. I’ve been starting to focus on myself again. That fell a bit to the wayside with young children at home. But I’ve set goals, I am getting healthy and fit, I’m reaching out to connect with my friends more, and I’m working toward career goals for when I return to work.

I also know that feeling you spoke of when you first let the words come out. That was my first therapy session. And yes, I could not stop crying. I had tried to forget for so long and it was incredibly hard yet freeing to say the words and let another human being hear them. However I have mixed feelings about how helpful it was. I know it helped me in some way, to become more human, to become whole, to be more authentic, but it came with so much pain, and it had been easier for a while to lock it away and pretend I had a typical childhood like everyone else.

Anyway, as part of my goals this year- I’ve decided to do regular therapy. So thank you for that push.

PP again, but you really need to come to terms that you didn’t have a typical childhood like everyone else. Even this thread shows that you’re not convinced you didn’t, or that you need validation yours was “that bad”. It has changed your life, so yea, it was “that bad”.

And this is tough love, OP: it’s not the therapy that’s painful. You carry that pain with you each and every day, whether you like it or not. You’re carrying it and dealing with it by pushing people away, thinking you can be a perfect parent by reading books, and likely with whatever is causing your marriage to be mediocre.

I’ve been there. In many ways, I’m still there, but I’m going to tell you that “doing” things like calling your friend Larla more often, or reading more parenting books, isn’t going to heal you.

I’m glad you’re going to go to more therapy, but you need to work through that. Saying you will because of what you read on a message board is one thing- actually doing it and doing the work is another.

I really hope you realize that none of the abuse was your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need therapy because there’s something wrong with you. You’ve done really well by getting out and leading your own happy life. But how’s the time to get the life that glitters.


Also, your your husband needs therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You were emotionally and physically controlled. That is abuse. As far as rating it, that depends on your interpretation of it. Are you angry you lived that way? Are you able to have normal relationships with friends or significant others? This is all for you to decide. My personal judgement is 9.9.

My interpretation of it varies depending on the day you ask me. I’ve been thinking about it more because I recently lost one of my parents and I am trying to reconcile all these complicated feelings. I want to believe they were/are truly good people who just made bad choices and didn’t have a lot of tools and strategies. Because after all, they are my flesh and blood, my parents. Other days, I feel a lot of sadness for the loving childhood I never had. And sometimes I feel anger. So honestly, I waver— from loving my parents, despite everything and thinking they did what they thought was best for us, to feeling angry toward them for how they were. And at this point in my life, I feel like I just want to leave the past in the past rather than dig through all that old pain. I want to move forward.

OP, you can believe your parents did the best they could, and still believe that their best was really really bad. I think all of the feelings you’re having are normal and sorting out conflicting feelings is one of the main purposes of therapy.

[Anonymous]

You are now a grown woman with a family of your own
Stop living/wallowing in the past and enjoy the present and look forward to the future of your family. As an adult, you and only you, are responsible for your happiness.

[Anonymous]

I was raised similarly. It took years of therapy to finally come to terms with my traumatic childhood. Most of the people responding here won't understand how you're able to normalize it and sometimes justify their actions. It was abusive and you suffered trauma as a result. Fortunately, you can go on to live a fulfilling life and you are not them. You will not turn into them.

[Anonymous]

10. OP that is a very extreme. You had no voice, you lived in fear, you were not allowed to be a child. (Make mistakes, forget things, chatter with your parents)

I wish someone would have noticed and helped you out. Childhood leaves deep wounds and ongoing therapy will help.

[Anonymous]

My childhood was similar and I never spoke about it to anyone for years. My DH knew about, of course, and I thought I had moved past it until my kids were in the 2-5 year old range. At that point, the enormity and horror of it all nearly crushed me. My kids were of the age I was when I first remember the abuse. I went to counseling and it was wrenching. I did about 6 months but never felt like I really got anything out of it and stopped. OTOH, DH and I have had a lot of relationship counseling started before we were even married. I found that much, much more helpful than individual counseling.

My father killed himself when I was 20 (still the best thing that has EVER happened to me). If my father were still living, I have no doubt I would have cut off contact a long, long time ago but, I have to say, it's a lot easier that he's dead. I have a relationship with my mother and she is a much better grandmother than she was a mother. Before I was 'crushed' by my realization of my childhood, I would have described my relationship with my mother as somewhat close. I used to think of her as a victim like my siblings and I were. Now, I can't get past what she allowed to happen. On the surface, things are good but I am somewhat distanced emotionally. It's not just because of my childhood but because her behaviors when she remarried (she was married to my father for 23 years and her 2nd husband for 26). Her actions have always demonstrated that my siblings and I were never her top priority. She would 'do' for others before she ever 'did' for us. Now that she's widowed again (she's 78), she spends a lot more time with us and the kids love her but I've accepted long ago that I deserved a better mother.

I'm now 53, my kids are all teenagers/young adults, and have to say that I think I've really moved beyond my childhood. I firmly believe that we are conditioned from childhood to love our 'family' whether they deserve it or not. It's helped that I also believe that when you are an adult, you get to choose your family and build the life you want and deserve. Let's hope that proves to be true as my kids start to settle down. They know that it will kill me if they have a relationship with someone who is controlling/abusive. That would probably throw me back to counseling as I have no coping mechanisms for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm what is the point with rating your abuse? Geez you are nuts

I want to know how far from the norm it was.

And do you really think it requires therapy on my part? Or is that the standard dcum advice?

Well, how has the abuse impacted you as an adult?

[Anonymous]

Op, your childhood was very abusive. Look up ACE - adverse childhood experiences to get some perspective.

Disregard posters who say you're crazy, playing a game, etc. Those of us who've been through this understand that you're trying to make sense of what happened. Your parents purposefully cut off the usual sources of perspective - that's why you're so unsure and uninformed now.

I second recommendations for therapy, btw. Your childhood was extreme, and you have a lot of work to do in working through it. It's a hard journey and so worth it! Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I too believe your childhood was abusive and that you owe it to yourself to really dig deep in therapy. So much of what people have written in this thread resonates with me. I’ve been in therapy a long time. It has changed my life immensely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy should help you move forward, though I would never do it myself. I am from an abusive culture where beatings and public humiliation are common, and not necessarily from parents but from teachers or any adult who deemes it their business. I drink a lot to cope.

Op here and I am also from a different culture, one that allows for more of an authoritarian style of parenting and physical punishment. And growing up, I actually took some comfort in that maybe this was the norm. But then in my adolescence, I started realizing that our parents may have been on the extreme end of the spectrum with how strict and abusive they were. So this was always kept as a shameful secret.

I had this view of my family life as well - it was even more painful to realize that it wasn’t culture, but my particular home life. One thing to consider in the therapy - once my kids got older and I could remember how life was their age, I become very very angry. Not saying it will happen to you, but that there is a lot here you should address with a professional.

[Anonymous]

A 8-9 rating for you from me as well. The threat of beatings alone makes it an 8.

Intensive therapy helps. I have successfully parented despite generational poverty, abuse of all kinds, and neglect. It can take a while to find a good therapist. The first one I met with said no one with my background could even get into college, let alone hold grad degrees. In essence, she questioned my history. I later learned she had no real experience working with people with multiple traumas. The internet will help you find someone familiar with your situation. Best if you can find someone who is referenced by multiple publications and support groups, not the first person on your plan who can see you.

[Anonymous]

Your childhood and current situation sounds very much like mine OP. VERY much.

You were definitely abused, by any measure, and no matter how many qualifiers you put on it what you experienced is at the top end of that 1-10 scale.

I just started therapy 3months ago and it doesn't come naturally to me, I don't love what it stirs up, and I waffle about whether the pain of reliving/talking about stuff is worth it. But it is helping me reframe my thinking, work on my initial reactions to anything emotional, feel able to release myself from a bit of the ongoing guilt, etc... It is helpful - bit by bit.

One of the most clarifying questions I can ask myself is "Would I consider it acceptable for my child to experience this?" I can very easily be crystal clear on what is acceptable or not for my child, and then I apply that same eye to how I view my childhood and it can be very clarifying.

Try to allow yourself to do the work OP. I stated very clearly to my therapist that i was interested in helping myself, but not interested in hashing things out with aging parents in almost certain futile efforts to change them. She totally understood and is working with me accordingly.

I wish you luck, a reasonably speedy path on your journey, and peace on the other side.

You deserved better when you were a child. Now you deserve to help yourself feel better.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, not a 10, nowhere close. If it were a ten, what would be the category for people who lock their kids into cages or sell them into prostitution or starve them to death? Maybe the OP's is a 5? Though I am not sure what good ranking abuse does...
I also grew up in an abusive household. Daily abuse, both emotional and physical, but mostly in the evenings, due to alcoholism. The worst physical beating could have killed me, but the emotional abuse was much more severe to me. Other parent in the room next door or in the basement, as usual. Yet from the outside, we appeared to have an idyllic childhood.
I think abuse like mine or like the OP's, while severe, is much more common than we suspect. In my family, two uncles on both sides, are alcoholics, and in one case, I think my cousin's childhood must have been much worse than mine - but I don't know!! It is never talked about. Outsiders would think that my cousin was blessed with an ideal family and childhood.

[Anonymous]

Where are your parents from and/or how old are they now? That makes a difference, IMO.