Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM recommends therapy because its an important tool in recovering and healing. It doesn’t matter if the abuse was a 1 or a 10 - it is there to help you learn more realistic coping mechanisms and to help allow you to live a happier life, without needing to be tied to the past.
You’re living your life on eggshells, not living it to the fullest, based on how you’ve described yourself. And while you’re reading parenting books to make sure your kids are happy, are you doing anything to make yourself happy?
I lived a life in an abusive, alcoholic family, and also suffered sexual abuse. I moved on and told myself I was happy, that I was stronger and was able to rise above. But, as I got older (almost into my 40s), I realized I was doing what I had to do at home - living my life like nothing was wrong, shielding my feelings, walking on eggshells, pleasing people, keeping my head down and being “good”. It just stopped working for me when I realized I didn’t have close friends, including my partner, because I never let them see ME.
So I got myself into therapy. Not just “therapy”, where people think the therapist will fix them, but therapy where I decided it was time to fix myself. I’m not going to lie. The first while was horrible. I had never told anyone the details of my abuse, and when the words came out of my mouth, it hurt so much because I finally had to face the reality that that all happpened to me. But, in a weird way, it finally let it pass. It happened to me, but it was the past, I can’t change it but I also don’t have to live it anymore. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not a target forever.
It’s still a work in progress, like all things. I’ve fallen off the therapy wagon, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be.
You can move past this, OP. The fact that you are looking at your abuse on some sliding scale tells me you think you’re okay, but you’re not. Please, get the help you need, even if you don’t think you need it. Jump in with both feet and be honest with yourself and your therapist. The life on the other side of abuse is so much better, but unfortunately, you do have to do the work.
Thank you. To you and to others who have gave some thoughtful feedback. Your words resonate with me-I have been a people pleaser, and don’t feel I’m able to let anyone get too close to me. I’ve been starting to focus on myself again. That fell a bit to the wayside with young children at home. But I’ve set goals, I am getting healthy and fit, I’m reaching out to connect with my friends more, and I’m working toward career goals for when I return to work.
I also know that feeling you spoke of when you first let the words come out. That was my first therapy session. And yes, I could not stop crying. I had tried to forget for so long and it was incredibly hard yet freeing to say the words and let another human being hear them.
However I have mixed feelings about how helpful it was. I know it helped me in some way, to become more human, to become whole, to be more authentic, but it came with so much pain, and it had been easier for a while to lock it away and pretend I had a typical childhood like everyone else.
Anyway, as part of my goals this year- I’ve decided to do regular therapy. So thank you for that push.
PP again, but you really need to come to terms that you didn’t have a typical childhood like everyone else. Even this thread shows that you’re not convinced you didn’t, or that you need validation yours was “that bad”. It has changed your life, so yea, it was “that bad”.
And this is tough love, OP: it’s not the therapy that’s painful. You carry that pain with you each and every day, whether you like it or not. You’re carrying it and dealing with it by pushing people away, thinking you can be a perfect parent by reading books, and likely with whatever is causing your marriage to be mediocre.
I’ve been there. In many ways, I’m still there, but I’m going to tell you that “doing” things like calling your friend Larla more often, or reading more parenting books, isn’t going to heal you.
I’m glad you’re going to go to more therapy, but you need to work through that. Saying you will because of what you read on a message board is one thing- actually doing it and doing the work is another.
I really hope you realize that none of the abuse was your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. You don’t need therapy because there’s something wrong with you. You’ve done really well by getting out and leading your own happy life. But how’s the time to get the life that glitters.
Also, your your husband needs therapy.
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