Looking for perspective on abusive childhood

[Anonymous]

Op here. What’s my life like now? I have a husband - not a great marriage, it needs work but it is stable, and with a decent person, who also came from an abusive childhood and has his own issues. I have good friends, but I have always kept them at a distance. We have children, and I have read almost every parenting book to make sure I do right for them, but yeah it is still a challenge. I have done some therapy in the past already. I do have some depression, particularly in fall and winter, triggered by recent life events.

[Anonymous]

That sounds really really bad to me. I can't imagine my parents doing any of those things. Like literally cannot fathom it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were emotionally and physically controlled. That is abuse. As far as rating it, that depends on your interpretation of it. Are you angry you lived that way? Are you able to have normal relationships with friends or significant others? This is all for you to decide. My personal judgement is 9.9.

My interpretation of it varies depending on the day you ask me. I’ve been thinking about it more because I recently lost one of my parents and I am trying to reconcile all these complicated feelings. I want to believe they were/are truly good people who just made bad choices and didn’t have a lot of tools and strategies. Because after all, they are my flesh and blood, my parents. Other days, I feel a lot of sadness for the loving childhood I never had. And sometimes I feel anger. So honestly, I waver— from loving my parents, despite everything and thinking they did what they thought was best for us, to feeling angry toward them for how they were. And at this point in my life, I feel like I just want to leave the past in the past rather than dig through all that old pain. I want to move forward.

[Anonymous]

Therapy should help you move forward, though I would never do it myself. I am from an abusive culture where beatings and public humiliation are common, and not necessarily from parents but from teachers or any adult who deemes it their business. I drink a lot to cope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy should help you move forward, though I would never do it myself. I am from an abusive culture where beatings and public humiliation are common, and not necessarily from parents but from teachers or any adult who deemes it their business. I drink a lot to cope.

Op here and I am also from a different culture, one that allows for more of an authoritarian style of parenting and physical punishment. And growing up, I actually took some comfort in that maybe this was the norm. But then in my adolescence, I started realizing that our parents may have been on the extreme end of the spectrum with how strict and abusive they were. So this was always kept as a shameful secret.

[Anonymous]

Definitely a 10. I also come from a culture where authoritarian style parenting is normal and corporal punishment is acceptable. I was definitely hit with a clothes hangar several times. However, corporal punishment was a tool, not parents losing their shit and beating the crap out of their kids. The punishment always reflected the severity of the "crime." The times that I was hit with a clothes hangar, it was because I did something really bad. I never feared my parents or for my safety. I also never doubted that my parents loved me.

[Anonymous]

Beating kids is wrong, period.
Be it with a hanger or hand, in anger or “methodically”.

[Anonymous]

There was physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Just awful. I'm sorry OP. This is not OK.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy should help you move forward, though I would never do it myself. I am from an abusive culture where beatings and public humiliation are common, and not necessarily from parents but from teachers or any adult who deemes it their business. I drink a lot to cope.

Op here and I am also from a different culture, one that allows for more of an authoritarian style of parenting and physical punishment. And growing up, I actually took some comfort in that maybe this was the norm. But then in my adolescence, I started realizing that our parents may have been on the extreme end of the spectrum with how strict and abusive they were. So this was always kept as a shameful secret.

I am also from a culture where that treatment of kids is "normal", along with alcohol abuse. I'd rate my parents' abuse level at a 4.5, yours I'd rate a 7+. Understanding the cultural aspect has helped me come terms with my childhood if for no other reason than understanding I'm not the only one. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

OP, DCUM recommends therapy because its an important tool in recovering and healing. It doesn’t matter if the abuse was a 1 or a 10 - it is there to help you learn more realistic coping mechanisms and to help allow you to live a happier life, without needing to be tied to the past.

You’re living your life on eggshells, not living it to the fullest, based on how you’ve described yourself. And while you’re reading parenting books to make sure your kids are happy, are you doing anything to make yourself happy?

I lived a life in an abusive, alcoholic family, and also suffered sexual abuse. I moved on and told myself I was happy, that I was stronger and was able to rise above. But, as I got older (almost into my 40s), I realized I was doing what I had to do at home - living my life like nothing was wrong, shielding my feelings, walking on eggshells, pleasing people, keeping my head down and being “good”. It just stopped working for me when I realized I didn’t have close friends, including my partner, because I never let them see ME.

So I got myself into therapy. Not just “therapy”, where people think the therapist will fix them, but therapy where I decided it was time to fix myself. I’m not going to lie. The first while was horrible. I had never told anyone the details of my abuse, and when the words came out of my mouth, it hurt so much because I finally had to face the reality that that all happpened to me. But, in a weird way, it finally let it pass. It happened to me, but it was the past, I can’t change it but I also don’t have to live it anymore. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not a target forever.

It’s still a work in progress, like all things. I’ve fallen off the therapy wagon, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be.

You can move past this, OP. The fact that you are looking at your abuse on some sliding scale tells me you think you’re okay, but you’re not. Please, get the help you need, even if you don’t think you need it. Jump in with both feet and be honest with yourself and your therapist. The life on the other side of abuse is so much better, but unfortunately, you do have to do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What’s my life like now? I have a husband - not a great marriage, it needs work but it is stable, and with a decent person, who also came from an abusive childhood and has his own issues. I have good friends, but I have always kept them at a distance. We have children, and I have read almost every parenting book to make sure I do right for them, but yeah it is still a challenge. I have done some therapy in the past already. I do have some depression, particularly in fall and winter, triggered by recent life events.

This was a mistake. You should have gotten the therapy before you married and had kids. This is, after all, probably how your parents marriage was started - two people used to abuse pairing up.

I hope that you remember to relax and be free. Have fun in your life and try to bring joy, happiness and comfort
to others. When you are living this way you’ll be doing better and putting that awful abuse behind you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. What’s my life like now? I have a husband - not a great marriage, it needs work but it is stable, and with a decent person, who also came from an abusive childhood and has his own issues. I have good friends, but I have always kept them at a distance. We have children, and I have read almost every parenting book to make sure I do right for them, but yeah it is still a challenge. I have done some therapy in the past already. I do have some depression, particularly in fall and winter, triggered by recent life events.

This was a mistake. You should have gotten the therapy before you married and had kids. This is, after all, probably how your parents marriage was started - two people used to abuse pairing up.

I hope that you remember to relax and be free. Have fun in your life and try to bring joy, happiness and comfort
to others. When you are living this way you’ll be doing better and putting that awful abuse behind you.

And by therapy I mean what the PP above is saying - that you are working through it and acknowledging what happened to you.

Please tell us that your kids aren’t exposed to any of your parents. Please!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy should help you move forward, though I would never do it myself. I am from an abusive culture where beatings and public humiliation are common, and not necessarily from parents but from teachers or any adult who deemes it their business. I drink a lot to cope.

Op here and I am also from a different culture, one that allows for more of an authoritarian style of parenting and physical punishment. And growing up, I actually took some comfort in that maybe this was the norm. But then in my adolescence, I started realizing that our parents may have been on the extreme end of the spectrum with how strict and abusive they were. So this was always kept as a shameful secret.

I am also from a culture where that treatment of kids is "normal", along with alcohol abuse. I'd rate my parents' abuse level at a 4.5, yours I'd rate a 7+. Understanding the cultural aspect has helped me come terms with my childhood if for no other reason than understanding I'm not the only one. Hugs.

The ‘culture’ excuse is a lame one. My parents were abusive - to 4 kids - and have said that that is how they were taught to raise kids. That’s no excuse- these were supposed to be functioning adults capable of reasoning and thinking through their own actions. They were ignorant abusive assholes and there was no excuse for their behavior - and yes I’ve grown up and told that directly to them. They’ve been straightened out to the point that they treat our kids (who didn’t have unsupervised contact until they were 12+) with the utmost of respect - physically and verbally. The ‘cultural norm’ is no more.

Alcohol abuse would mean no contact. That is also not an excuse. So awful, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, DCUM recommends therapy because its an important tool in recovering and healing. It doesn’t matter if the abuse was a 1 or a 10 - it is there to help you learn more realistic coping mechanisms and to help allow you to live a happier life, without needing to be tied to the past.

You’re living your life on eggshells, not living it to the fullest, based on how you’ve described yourself. And while you’re reading parenting books to make sure your kids are happy, are you doing anything to make yourself happy?

I lived a life in an abusive, alcoholic family, and also suffered sexual abuse. I moved on and told myself I was happy, that I was stronger and was able to rise above. But, as I got older (almost into my 40s), I realized I was doing what I had to do at home - living my life like nothing was wrong, shielding my feelings, walking on eggshells, pleasing people, keeping my head down and being “good”. It just stopped working for me when I realized I didn’t have close friends, including my partner, because I never let them see ME.

So I got myself into therapy. Not just “therapy”, where people think the therapist will fix them, but therapy where I decided it was time to fix myself. I’m not going to lie. The first while was horrible. I had never told anyone the details of my abuse, and when the words came out of my mouth, it hurt so much because I finally had to face the reality that that all happpened to me. But, in a weird way, it finally let it pass. It happened to me, but it was the past, I can’t change it but I also don’t have to live it anymore. It wasn’t my fault. I’m not a target forever.

It’s still a work in progress, like all things. I’ve fallen off the therapy wagon, but I’m light years ahead of where I used to be.

You can move past this, OP. The fact that you are looking at your abuse on some sliding scale tells me you think you’re okay, but you’re not. Please, get the help you need, even if you don’t think you need it. Jump in with both feet and be honest with yourself and your therapist. The life on the other side of abuse is so much better, but unfortunately, you do have to do the work.

Thank you. To you and to others who have gave some thoughtful feedback. Your words resonate with me-I have been a people pleaser, and don’t feel I’m able to let anyone get too close to me. I’ve been starting to focus on myself again. That fell a bit to the wayside with young children at home. But I’ve set goals, I am getting healthy and fit, I’m reaching out to connect with my friends more, and I’m working toward career goals for when I return to work.

I also know that feeling you spoke of when you first let the words come out. That was my first therapy session. And yes, I could not stop crying. I had tried to forget for so long and it was incredibly hard yet freeing to say the words and let another human being hear them. However I have mixed feelings about how helpful it was. I know it helped me in some way, to become more human, to become whole, to be more authentic, but it came with so much pain, and it had been easier for a while to lock it away and pretend I had a typical childhood like everyone else.

Anyway, as part of my goals this year- I’ve decided to do regular therapy. So thank you for that push.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I should clarify... the beatings were not daily. On average, it was like once every few months. However, we were always in fear, and had no autonomy, or freedom.

this pretty much sums it up.

it can be extremely difficult to acknowledge that parents were actually cruel to you.