high conflict ex wife

[Anonymous]

The way OP uses the word “command” such as “goes to command” is a strange syntax. He did once say “my command,” which is normal. But he repeatedly uses the term in a non standard syntax. He also said -“I’m military,” instead of “I’’m in the military” or “I’m in the Army (or Air Force” or whatever strikes me as he may be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

I think they are both women. They are fighting like women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The way OP uses the word “command” such as “goes to command” is a strange syntax. He did once say “my command,” which is normal. But he repeatedly uses the term in a non standard syntax. He also said -“I’m military,” instead of “I’’m in the military” or “I’m in the Army (or Air Force” or whatever strikes me as he may be a troll.

Ummm...don't know any military people, do you?

I'm Navy. We're army. He's active duty.

That is the standard way of saying things when you're military.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way OP uses the word “command” such as “goes to command” is a strange syntax. He did once say “my command,” which is normal. But he repeatedly uses the term in a non standard syntax. He also said -“I’m military,” instead of “I’’m in the military” or “I’m in the Army (or Air Force” or whatever strikes me as he may be a troll.

Ummm...don't know any military people, do you?

I'm Navy. We're army. He's active duty.

That is the standard way of saying things when you're military.

Agree except most people a year from either getting out or retiring aren't worried what command has to say. My husband had an ex like that and she called command and they blew her off as it was clear she was lying about money (easily prove he paid the support) and other stuff. You let them call. It is one way people go after a military spouse (ex) but you take the power away by saying go ahead and just let command know what's going on. They might get after you if you didn't pay child support or get an id, but he's done that. Also, what is odd is kids under 10 (is it 10, I forget, as my children do not have ID's yet) except in divorce/deployment/living with someone else. Some divorce only get it when the active duty parent cannot take them on base for appointments. OP should have signed the paperwork and let Mom take kids for ID's so it was on her (as long as the kids ID's were valid its not an issue and she can use them to get on base). OP should have handed them to the oldest child if he got them to give to mom in an envelope or just mail.

You take away her power. You buy the clothing directly as well as school supplies. You pay all school activity fees, pictures, etc. directly to the school or company if it is not specifically ordered to pay mom for the extra's. Keep documentation. Usually those kids don't need it, Mom doesn't want stuff from Dad so she can say he does nothing, or Mom never intended to put them in activities and just looking for a money grab. Or, order clothing online and have the receipt. Children's Place has good clearance sales. Buy a few sizes and keep bigger stuff at your house or just send it all (well, keep clothing at your house too) so she has them when she needs them. She's looking for conflict. You be as nice as nice can be. Kids need clothing. Take them or order online. Same for shoes. School supplies - give her a huge box of everything on the list including suggested donations. Activities - give her a check to the activity company name or mail it/pay online. No need to give her money directly if she says kids need stuff.

They will never hold her accountable for how she spends the child support. Get over it now she can take all the money, spend nothing on the kids and keep it for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. Tell her to call command. Do not pay extra and buy supplies. List should be on the school website. Kids under ten do not get- need ids. You can take them to the doctor if needed. So, schedule them and take them. If she wants an I’d then sign the form and let her get them. She yells at you hang up.

Yes legally as she has legal over medical, I do have to get the IDs to her. She cannot get on base as she lost her ID after the divorce.

She can get on base with the ID if she did it before they expired. So, all you had to do was sign the forms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

are you saying that I'm a pain in the ass? She's 3, she shouldn't be in diapers. Pullups ok but diapers? No. I legally get facetime with my kids, she takes over FaceTime and that's how I'm tricked into answering her calls.

You’re calling your ex “high conflict” but you’re engaging in a power struggle over pull-ups and diapers. Got it.
And when she takes over your FaceTime with kids and starts arguing with you, you somehow forget how to politely say, “I’m sorry. I’m going to end this call right now because you’re arguing with me,” and then hit the hang-up button.

When you admit you enjoy the drama on some level, you might get somewhere with dealing with her. But you’ve got to first see your role in this. You were attracted to her for some reason, so much so that you’ve had unprotected sex with her in the last couple of years. Stop your engagement around her antics.

It was through text that I responded about the pull-ups. I simply stated that I had begun potty training DD, and that I believed that 3 was too old for diapers. That's all I said on the matter. When she tricks me into answering and is threatening command, of course I'm going to respond.

Stop being a victim. You’re not getting “tricked.” You’re an adult who is allowing himself to be baited. Simply end the conversation. If she threatens to go to your commander, respond with “I’m hanging up now,” if it’s a phone call. If she texts that, no response whatsoever. Do as PP suggested and give your CO a heads up. But please stop with the “But I have to respond.” No, you don’t. You really need to practice with a friend around how to disengage. It’s not easy, but it can be done. The more you respond to her, the more it continues. It’s really that simple.

My lawyer has advised me to respond. I am building a case. I'm just unsure of what exactly can be done with that case.

Okay, then respond with the least amount of text.

Ex: When am I getting the money for the school supplies?
You: See text dated 7/2/18
Ex: I deleted the text. When am I getting the money?!?
You: (no response at all because you’ve given her two responses)

Ex: when am I getting the money for school supplies.
You: School supplies are included in the child support, but since you'd prefer for me to pay for them, I will get the list from the school and purchase them by 8/20/2018.
Ex: I prefer the money
You: Ok, use the child support, otherwise I will purchase what the kids need for both your house and mine.
Ex: I want the money
You: I'll will be purchasing the kids school supplies and some new clothing. If you prefer to purchase them, use your income or the child support which covers my portion of the kids needs in your home. Have a good evening.
Ex: I want the money.
You: It would be best if we had the attorneys discuss this issue directly. Have a good evening.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you search DCUM threads you can find references to online tools that act as communications buffers for people in divorces-- you both communicate 100 percent solely via the particular web site or app or whatever it is. (This doesn't cut off direct communication with kids, it acts as the only conduit between the adults.) There are a couple of these tools that get mentioned in posts here. They allow both people to contact each other only within that tool--not on their own personal text or email etc. It's been cited as a way to put distance between parties when things are contentious, a place where all communications from both sides are archived so things can't be conveniently "accidentally" deleted, and a way to ensure neither person can say "I never received your email/text."

Can someone out there tell OP the name of one of these tools? Sorry I can't, OP.

Sounds like you and your ex need something like that. I would ask your lawyer about it. It sounds like the lawyer wants you to collect evidence that your ex is a problem? Is that right? is the point to try to get different custody once you leave the military, maybe?

If ex is horning in on agreed-upon FaceTime talks that are supposed to be just you and the kids, ask your lawyer if it can be put into writing that each parent doesn't participate in the other's calls/FaceTime/Skype etc. with the kids--that will be easier to do if you can also agree that all communication between the two of you takes place only via an online tool in writing. Then you have standing to say, "Sally, this FaceTime talk is with DD. Please only use the website to send questions about school supplies." And so on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way OP uses the word “command” such as “goes to command” is a strange syntax. He did once say “my command,” which is normal. But he repeatedly uses the term in a non standard syntax. He also said -“I’m military,” instead of “I’’m in the military” or “I’m in the Army (or Air Force” or whatever strikes me as he may be a troll.

Ummm...don't know any military people, do you?

I'm Navy. We're army. He's active duty.

That is the standard way of saying things when you're military.

Nobody in the military says “go to command.” They day go to THE command. He uses military terminology like someone from Hollywood.

USNA ‘92

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way OP uses the word “command” such as “goes to command” is a strange syntax. He did once say “my command,” which is normal. But he repeatedly uses the term in a non standard syntax. He also said -“I’m military,” instead of “I’’m in the military” or “I’m in the Army (or Air Force” or whatever strikes me as he may be a troll.

Ummm...don't know any military people, do you?

I'm Navy. We're army. He's active duty.

That is the standard way of saying things when you're military.

Nobody in the military says “go to command.” They day go to THE command. He uses military terminology like someone from Hollywood.

USNA ‘92

Disagree.

Current active duty spouse.

[Anonymous]

All communication in writing via email. No emotion. “Karla is working on potty training at my place so we will be using pull ups”. Now, if you dropped the kid off in a pull up and it caused say a poop explosion at moms, I can see why mom may have raised the issue. As one possible scenario.

Send required paperwork via tracked mail. Get used to paying for things you aren’t required to for the sake of the kids. Maybe in the future you can get 50/50 custody at least.

[Anonymous]

Boring. The military aspect doesn’t significantly differentiate this from the millions of other squabbles between coparents. You won’t be thrown in jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing. Tell her to call command. Do not pay extra and buy supplies. List should be on the school website. Kids under ten do not get- need ids. You can take them to the doctor if needed. So, schedule them and take them. If she wants an I’d then sign the form and let her get them. She yells at you hang up.

Np: If the parents aren’t married, children under 10 most certainly do get ID cards...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boring. The military aspect doesn’t significantly differentiate this from the millions of other squabbles between coparents. You won’t be thrown in jail.

Actually it does and can and she can make things very difficult for him depending on the unit he is with.

[Anonymous]

A pull-up is a diaper with no tabs. And they don’t help with potty training.

You both sound nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

Wow. If this was a woman posting about her ex, there would be all kinds of support. Op does not sound like a pain in the ass.

OP.... I do agree with communication via email.

Buy school supplies and send them back with the kids.

Try to avoid direct contact.

Pp is right about the potty training.