high conflict ex wife

[Anonymous]

If you don’t mind - can I ask you the reason you two divorced?

Did you cheat on her or initiate the proceedings??
It sounds like she is doing all of this more so out of anger toward you vs. the children’s personal welfare.

She seems VERY angry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t mind - can I ask you the reason you two divorced?

Did you cheat on her or initiate the proceedings??
It sounds like she is doing all of this more so out of anger toward you vs. the children’s personal welfare.

She seems VERY angry.

If you don’t mind — can you take the time to read the thread before posting, even just a quick scan. The question was asked and answered on page 2. In particular, see the 5th post on that page.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t mind - can I ask you the reason you two divorced?

Did you cheat on her or initiate the proceedings??
It sounds like she is doing all of this more so out of anger toward you vs. the children’s personal welfare.

She seems VERY angry.

Ah, you're one of "those" women. My exDW was a BPD, and incredibly abusive. When I got divorced a long-time (25 yr) female friend said to me, "What did you do to make her so mad?" My answer, "Breathing. My continued breathing really made her angry."

[Anonymous]

OP: never, ever communicate with her verbally. It should only be by text, email, or USPS mail.

Never hand her anything again. Send it "RRR" -- return receipt requested. She can go to the Post Office to pick up communications with you. You were foolish to try to hand her anything--she could still lie and say she never got the IDs from you.

Consider having her lawyer write to her lawyer, documenting this behavior, and threatening to go to supervised exchanges of the children. Consider bringing a friend along to exchanges from now on, so you have witness of her behavior. No matter what, always have a recorder running whenever she is nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you divorce?

She cheated on me. Twice.

In her mind it was all your fault that she cheated. You see, if you were perfect, she wouldn't have to search out strange d*ck while you are away defending the nation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A pull-up is a diaper with no tabs. And they don’t help with potty training.

You both sound nuts.

You think OP is “nuts” because he differentiates Pull-ups from regular diapers? Ok, crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A pull-up is a diaper with no tabs. And they don’t help with potty training.

You both sound nuts.

Sure they do, depending on how you’re approaching it. My 19month old can pull it down and up pretty much herself, which she can’t do in a regular diaper. They seem to be more uncoftable when wet or dirty, so she’s able to identify those faster, rather than wearing a diaper all day.

Not everyone has the absolute resources to do the boot camps, which don’t always take only 3 days for every kid.

But this isn’t OPs problem is it? He could have posted on General Parenting about potty training. He’s having serious ex wife issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t mind - can I ask you the reason you two divorced?

Did you cheat on her or initiate the proceedings??
It sounds like she is doing all of this more so out of anger toward you vs. the children’s personal welfare.

She seems VERY angry.

Ah, you're one of "those" women. My exDW was a BPD, and incredibly abusive. When I got divorced a long-time (25 yr) female friend said to me, "What did you do to make her so mad?" My answer, "Breathing. My continued breathing really made her angry."

+1. Please don't blame the victim even when he's a man.

[Anonymous]

Not an expert at marriage or custody agreements- but I spent my career in contracts. The key when things get combative is to do as much in writing as possible, when it's not possible, immediately document the conversation. Keep track of legal agreements, don't do things that will make you look petty or non-compliant, if you can have a 3rd party present (i.e. if there is no trust and you need a witness). Don't engage in anything that you don't absolutely have to lest you be drawn into conflict and say something in the heat of the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not an expert at marriage or custody agreements- but I spent my career in contracts. The key when things get combative is to do as much in writing as possible, when it's not possible, immediately document the conversation. Keep track of legal agreements, don't do things that will make you look petty or non-compliant, if you can have a 3rd party present (i.e. if there is no trust and you need a witness). Don't engage in anything that you don't absolutely have to lest you be drawn into conflict and say something in the heat of the moment.

My lawyer told me to immediately follow up any phone conversations with an email. He says it’s ok to stand firm when she hijacks FaceTime and then hang up and email basically a recap of the phone conversation. Then print it out and put it in my binder of court stuff. When im heated I have a friend that helps write the email up. The goal is to show that I am trying my best to hear out her concerns and co-parent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am fortunate enough to not have any drama with my ex, but I have two female friends who have some of the same issues you have. They are on the receiving end of child support, but have it unilaterally lowered for sometimes ridiculous reasons. No co-parenting really possible and everything is really horrible for everyone.

My bad news for you - it may never end. My friends have been dealing with it for going on 5 years each and the exes just doesn't get tired of it. They make every attempt to have everything spelled out in court orders, but they still end up in court at least once a year. Exes won't even cooperate with parent coordinators. Both pay way too much in lawyers fees that are not always reimbursed by court order. It is a mess and all the strategies you try may not make a lick of difference.

I hope things change and you all can live by an agreement and co-parent. Maybe the bitterness your ex feels will pass in time, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Read books by Bill Eddy about high conflict divorce and communication with a high conflict person. Disengage and de-escalate.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. It sounds difficult.

I agree to document, document, document.

I hope you can find some constructive methods to coparent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not an expert at marriage or custody agreements- but I spent my career in contracts. The key when things get combative is to do as much in writing as possible, when it's not possible, immediately document the conversation. Keep track of legal agreements, don't do things that will make you look petty or non-compliant, if you can have a 3rd party present (i.e. if there is no trust and you need a witness). Don't engage in anything that you don't absolutely have to lest you be drawn into conflict and say something in the heat of the moment.

My lawyer told me to immediately follow up any phone conversations with an email. He says it’s ok to stand firm when she hijacks FaceTime and then hang up and email basically a recap of the phone conversation. Then print it out and put it in my binder of court stuff. When im heated I have a friend that helps write the email up. The goal is to show that I am trying my best to hear out her concerns and co-parent.

Contracts pp here- these tactics also work well if you have a toxic boss, co-worker, etc. Again, not a marriage expert, but I used to have the most cya, gaslighting, petty tyrant boss you ever saw. Above, was how I (and all the smart people) dealt with him.

It's really important engage only on what you need to, document everything, and not to be drawn into conflict.

[Anonymous]

OP you are still waaaaayyy to attached and invested in her. Don't give her your opinions and don't judge what she does. Neither matters anymore. The sooner you can communicate without doing either of those, the better off you'll be.