high conflict ex wife

[Anonymous]

I'm so fed up with my ex wife being high conflict and refusing to even attempt to co-parent.

I'm military, but stationed near the kids and will be getting out next year). The kids needed new military IDs so I had them made. When it came time for drop off, I tried to give ExW the IDs. She refused to take them and stormed off. So a few days ago, she requested I mail them to her. I let her know that I would rather give them to her at pick-up so that I knew they weren't lost or stolen. She didn't say anything. Today, I get a FaceTime call from her phone and assuming it's the kids I answer. One minute I'm talking on the phone with my DD (dear daughter) and the next it's my ExW on the phone yelling. She's telling me that she's going to my command on Monday for breaking the law by not giving her the IDs. I explained that I was giving her the IDs as discussed and reminded her that she refused them when I tried. Then her step mom gets on the phone yelling at me that she will be driving ExW on Monday to command and actually started clapping and shouting. I mailed the IDs this morning.

Last night, ExW was yelling at me because she wants me to pay for half of school supplies and half of school clothes. I asked her where the money went from child support as I have had the kids most of July. I told her that I wouldn't mind picking up some supplies and bringing them to her at pickup but I would not be giving her more money. This set her off. It's not court ordered that I pay for any school supplies as I have them during the summer and she still receives child support while they're in my care.

So then she starts yelling because she's mad that I put our 3 year old in pullups instead of diapers. I told her that was a personal choice and that in my home, she was working on potty training. Aaand that set her off.

This is almost a daily routine. I'm so tired of it. She's either threatening to go to my command or to take me to court. When I'm not even in the wrong. She's doing all of this in front of the kids as well. I keep my lawyer paid well at this point.

I don't even know what can be done about this? Something needs to happen.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

What PP said: You need to stop verbally communicating where this can happen over the phone or FaceTime. Just do emails or texts and keep them super short. If she contacts you via text or email, always respond in the fewest words. If she calls, let it go to voicemail and then listen to it. Respond by text unless it is a medical emergency about your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

are you saying that I'm a pain in the ass? She's 3, she shouldn't be in diapers. Pullups ok but diapers? No. I legally get facetime with my kids, she takes over FaceTime and that's how I'm tricked into answering her calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What PP said: You need to stop verbally communicating where this can happen over the phone or FaceTime. Just do emails or texts and keep them super short. If she contacts you via text or email, always respond in the fewest words. If she calls, let it go to voicemail and then listen to it. Respond by text unless it is a medical emergency about your kids.

I've emailed her before and said "Since you are unable to co-parent in a civil manner, all communication needs to be through text or email. The only exception being an immediate need of the children. FaceTime calls should be between the calling parent and the children. The calls should be done without interference or hovering from the other parent. If we aren't able to agree, we have a custody agreement in place for a reason."

[Anonymous]

Do not engage with crazy. If your ex goes to your command or to court and you have done nothing wrong, it's going to be a pain, but it will ultimately be fine. Hang up when the threats begin. If she comes to your home call the police. Take a friend to drop off and pick up the kids. All monetary transactions are through the court order. Anything else is given directly to the kids. Sounds extreme, but I learned the hard way.

[Anonymous]

is she hot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

are you saying that I'm a pain in the ass? She's 3, she shouldn't be in diapers. Pullups ok but diapers? No. I legally get facetime with my kids, she takes over FaceTime and that's how I'm tricked into answering her calls.

You’re calling your ex “high conflict” but you’re engaging in a power struggle over pull-ups and diapers. Got it.
And when she takes over your FaceTime with kids and starts arguing with you, you somehow forget how to politely say, “I’m sorry. I’m going to end this call right now because you’re arguing with me,” and then hit the hang-up button.

When you admit you enjoy the drama on some level, you might get somewhere with dealing with her. But you’ve got to first see your role in this. You were attracted to her for some reason, so much so that you’ve had unprotected sex with her in the last couple of years. Stop your engagement around her antics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What PP said: You need to stop verbally communicating where this can happen over the phone or FaceTime. Just do emails or texts and keep them super short. If she contacts you via text or email, always respond in the fewest words. If she calls, let it go to voicemail and then listen to it. Respond by text unless it is a medical emergency about your kids.

I've emailed her before and said "Since you are unable to co-parent in a civil manner, all communication needs to be through text or email. The only exception being an immediate need of the children. FaceTime calls should be between the calling parent and the children. The calls should be done without interference or hovering from the other parent. If we aren't able to agree, we have a custody agreement in place for a reason."

Did you send this before or after you engaged in he back and forth about the diaper/pull-up? If it was before, then you are to blame because you engaged in a non-emergency discussion with her. You basically undermined yourself by not really meaning what you emailed regarding communication. The only way to end this drama is by being consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry if you want to co-parent then things like when to potty train are open for discussion. Otherwise, it's not co-parenting, it's parallel parenting, and potty training isn't the best if it's done that way. You need to tell her to communicate through email only. It sounds like you're a pain in the ass if you are taking any bait and engaging in front of your child. Grow up.

are you saying that I'm a pain in the ass? She's 3, she shouldn't be in diapers. Pullups ok but diapers? No. I legally get facetime with my kids, she takes over FaceTime and that's how I'm tricked into answering her calls.

You’re calling your ex “high conflict” but you’re engaging in a power struggle over pull-ups and diapers. Got it.
And when she takes over your FaceTime with kids and starts arguing with you, you somehow forget how to politely say, “I’m sorry. I’m going to end this call right now because you’re arguing with me,” and then hit the hang-up button.

When you admit you enjoy the drama on some level, you might get somewhere with dealing with her. But you’ve got to first see your role in this. You were attracted to her for some reason, so much so that you’ve had unprotected sex with her in the last couple of years. Stop your engagement around her antics.

It was through text that I responded about the pull-ups. I simply stated that I had begun potty training DD, and that I believed that 3 was too old for diapers. That's all I said on the matter. When she tricks me into answering and is threatening command, of course I'm going to respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What PP said: You need to stop verbally communicating where this can happen over the phone or FaceTime. Just do emails or texts and keep them super short. If she contacts you via text or email, always respond in the fewest words. If she calls, let it go to voicemail and then listen to it. Respond by text unless it is a medical emergency about your kids.

I've emailed her before and said "Since you are unable to co-parent in a civil manner, all communication needs to be through text or email. The only exception being an immediate need of the children. FaceTime calls should be between the calling parent and the children. The calls should be done without interference or hovering from the other parent. If we aren't able to agree, we have a custody agreement in place for a reason."

Did you send this before or after you engaged in he back and forth about the diaper/pull-up? If it was before, then you are to blame because you engaged in a non-emergency discussion with her. You basically undermined yourself by not really meaning what you emailed regarding communication. The only way to end this drama is by being consistent.

I sent it after we discussed the pullups. ExW messaged me apologizing claiming that she wanted to co parent for the sake of the kids and then the next day started again.

[Anonymous]

You picked her, now the kids get to pay the price.

[Anonymous]

Mailed them certified I hope, or UPS FedEx

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mailed them certified I hope, or UPS FedEx

I just mailed them USPS.

[Anonymous]

My DH is one of the command people who gets these calls. You want to be sure that your command is aware that this call can happen and what you are doing to dial down the drama.

Sometimes you can’t help the crazy following you to work, but you don’t want your leader surprised by it. And if the divorce was due to infidelity on your side that will definitely be shared, so think about how you want to address that too.

Your ex may be crazy, but you married her and had kids with her so that reflects on you too.