BF's family way too close to ex wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a sit down with his parents and brother and tell them you're very irritated by their continued contact with their former daughter-in-law/sister-in-law and see what they have to say.

According to my BF I should not even bring it up. They would not respond well.

So.
If it were your boyfriend still continuing contact with his ex would you go thru them or directly to the source?
You'd tell him he needs to cut it out cause it's bothering your right?
Well...it's not your boyfriend it's his family. So go to the source and tell them they need to cut it out cause it's bothering you.

This is the worst relationship advice I think I've ever read. Do this and you'll be dumped by COB.

That's the point. If she's not comfortable/confident enough in her relationship with her BF's family to tell them what to do then obviously she's not in a position to have any say-so in what they do.
They can talk to and have dinner with and go clubbing with whoever the hell they want its none of her 6-month-trial-period business.

I don't really get the point. One should NEVER been confident enough in a relationship to feel that they can tell their SO's family what to do or have say so in what others do. WTF

We can be in a relationship for 6 YEARS - hell 60 YEARS. You should never feel comfortable approaching my family and telling them what to do. Telling them how you feel? Maybe. But in this instance, how OP feels is a problem that lies within HER - there is nothing the family is doing that is in any way inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a sit down with his parents and brother and tell them you're very irritated by their continued contact with their former daughter-in-law/sister-in-law and see what they have to say.

According to my BF I should not even bring it up. They would not respond well.

So.
If it were your boyfriend still continuing contact with his ex would you go thru them or directly to the source?
You'd tell him he needs to cut it out cause it's bothering your right?
Well...it's not your boyfriend it's his family. So go to the source and tell them they need to cut it out cause it's bothering you.

you both sound insane. I suggest you find a way to get along, OP. If this is why you reconsidering marriage, you are very small minded and immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister in law is best friends with my husbands ex. They all went to high school and college together and were each others maids of honor. They shared a really important time in each others lives and it was obvious they had a bond. At first it was hard but it helped that a.) sister in law was VERY nice to me and b.) she did her best to "separate" the relationships. I still see ex wife at things that overlap…like sister in laws baby shower, her kids baptisms, and her kids birthdays BUT she is nothing but kind and they all live in huge houses so I just stay on the opposite side of the mcmansion. Now she is remarried and we all have kids and its not a big deal. When I was young and it was fresh though it did kinda sting. My mother in law really likes DH's ex too and I felt like I had to compete but that was MY issue. MY issue.

OP, this pp is giving you good advice. It's not that it shouldn't be hard for you but you need to be a grownup and learn how to cope. Good luck with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the problem with DCUM. People just want to attack. Ì highly doubt this wouldn't bother people.
They just want to attack you.

I would not like the situation. It would be enough for me to dump him. He showed you that you have to toe the line with his family.

That's where you are wrong.

People who are confident within themselves and their relationships would have no issue with the scenario presented. You are clearly showing your immaturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have a sit down with his parents and brother and tell them you're very irritated by their continued contact with their former daughter-in-law/sister-in-law and see what they have to say.

According to my BF I should not even bring it up. They would not respond well.

So.
If it were your boyfriend still continuing contact with his ex would you go thru them or directly to the source?
You'd tell him he needs to cut it out cause it's bothering your right?
Well...it's not your boyfriend it's his family. So go to the source and tell them they need to cut it out cause it's bothering you.

This is the worst relationship advice I think I've ever read. Do this and you'll be dumped by COB.

That's the point. If she's not comfortable/confident enough in her relationship with her BF's family to tell them what to do then obviously she's not in a position to have any say-so in what they do.
They can talk to and have dinner with and go clubbing with whoever the hell they want its none of her 6-month-trial-period business.

I don't really get the point. One should NEVER been confident enough in a relationship to feel that they can tell their SO's family what to do or have say so in what others do. WTF

We can be in a relationship for 6 YEARS - hell 60 YEARS. You should never feel comfortable approaching my family and telling them what to do. Telling them how you feel? Maybe. But in this instance, how OP feels is a problem that lies within HER - there is nothing the family is doing that is in any way inappropriate.

There you go...you do get it.
That's what was indirectly being relayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is what it is. She is close to your potential future in-law and always will be. Accept it or move on.

I know you feel like you're competing with her for your in-law's affection, but it doesn't have to be.

It's all in your mind that they favor her over you as a daughter in-law, and it might well be. You cannot control their lives.

They can have their favorite daughter in-law, while you have the most important person, your BF/future DH.

This.

Also, a relationship is serious when you're contemplating marriage. You're in that phase where you're exclusive but not committed to each other forever yet. It's natural to not feel too secure, because you don't yet have that level of commitment. Wait a little while to see if your relationship lasts, then see how you feel.

I have to admit that I'd be uncomfortable if my DH had a previous wife and she was closer to his family than I am. Although I was extremely close with a previous BF's mom, I drifted after he broke up with me because I wasn't going to take up that place that should be for him and his SO. It does seem a little weird that the ex is hanging on, but it appears that there's nothing you can do about it.

Good luck OP and I hope you come to peace one way or the other soon!

[Anonymous]

I would never say anything to his family because it's not your place. Also OP you are still in the dating stage, BUT that would make me re-think moving forward. If he's serious about you HE should have asked his family to "cool it" with her. What if you guys get married and have kids. Is she still going to be coming around? Yes it's a problem. Don't say anymore to him. In a few months talk about your relationship with him and where you both see it going. That would be a good time to let him know its a big factor. It's up to him to tell his ex wife to get a life, or talk to his parents. Go from there OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my family. We all have the view that you get to decide who you want to bring into the family, but once they are in, you don't get to dictate that they leave. There are a lot of divorces in my family and often there are more ex ILs than there are actual ILs at a family party. You just get used to it being that way. You should be lucky there are no kids.

Oh please, not every situation is that simple. Ex in-laws shouldn't be invited and is disrespectful and frankly tacky. Especially when there was abuse and cheating it's not going to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be a sign that your boyfriend was the jerk who caused the relationship to end, so they like her better.

Either this, or the family is dsyfunctional and throwing the BF under the bus. Or, they are nice welcoming people. See if you can figure out which it is OP.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't like it. I'd never date a guy with that much baggage. They don't even have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your relationship like with his family?

I think we have a good relationship. They have always been very welcoming and friendly. They don't seek me out or make contact with me directly not like they do with his ex wife. His ex wife did divorce my BF. Their break up was so long and convoluted and I would not even know where to start. He is not the bad guy and neither was she. They both made decisions that ended their marriage.

It's hard to believe reading from what I wrote but I am not a controlling person. This bothers me so much and I can't shake it. I wish it would roll off my back.

Then get yourself a therapist because this is between you and you. It is not about the ex or the in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't like it. I'd never date a guy with that much baggage. They don't even have kids.

What if the ex started off as a friend of the bf's sibling? Or the ex is the daughter of a family friend that the bf's parents have known for a long time? Are they to suppose to end a long time friendship with the ex just because it makes the new gf or even wife uncomfortable? The bf's sibling and parents have their own relationship with the ex. At this point, it has nothing to do with OP or her bf. OP doesn't have the right to control the sibling or the parents' friendships.

[Anonymous]

I wish some girl my son had only been dating for 6 months would have the audacity to tell me or try and coerce my son into telling me who I can/can't associate with.
I'd advise her to grow the ***k up and mind her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my BF through work. We were friends for a year and after I found another job we stayed in touch. After that we dated for a few months and became BF/GF 6 months ago. It's serious and we have met each others friends and family. There are currently no plans to live together and marriage is something way down the line. I am very happy with him except I see one major red flag. His family is still close with his ex wife and they don't even have children. They divorced 3 years ago and did not part on good terms but she still kept in touch with his family.

I am not a jealous person and don't want to be controlling but this dynamic gets on my last nerve. What makes it even worse is that she moved away after the divorce and she moved back and everyone is now living in the same city. BF's identical twin brother posts pictures of her on his social media when they go clubbing together with their group of friends. His parents have dinner with her. I know of 2 instances and she has been back in town less than a month. I realize she has been gone a long time and everyone is happy to see her but I don't want this woman in my orbit. I asked my BF if this bothers him and he said no. He said he knows it might be awkward but he can't control his brother and parents. They have their own separate relationship with her that does not involve him. Here is the part that really upset me. He told me not to make an issue of it with his parents and brother. It would only make them mad and they will never give up their relationship with his ex wife for my sake and I will have to get use to it.

This really bothers me but I have been told point blank not to bring it up and get use to it. For the first time in our relationship I am having second thoughts about our relationship. I keep asking myself what am I getting myself into. I have never even met this woman and she is already causing trouble just by being around. Any advice?

OP, I'm divorced and I'm still on great terms with my ex's family. Ex and I also have a child together, but for the purposes of this post, I don't think that really matters.

We were married. We spent holidays and vacations together. We attended funerals together. We have a lot of shared history. My ex's sister and I in particular have a lot of shared history and a lot in common. When my ex and I divorced, if his family had been awful and not close, I could absolutely have let those relationship die on the vine, even with the child that we share. I did not do that because we are real people with years of relationship.

Several years after we got divorced (so several years during which his parents sent me birthday cards and took me to breakfast with DD when they were in town and any number of other extended family things), my ex started dating someone like you. She felt, as you seem to, that her budding relationship with these people was threatened by my existing relationship with them. She asked him to tell them (and me) that she didn't feel comfortable with us socializing, being friends on social media, etc. Apparently, her perspective was that if I wanted to stay in touch with his family, I should have stayed married to him and that they were showing disloyalty to my ex in communicating with me at all. This approach made her look childish, petty, and very insecure.

You are entitled to your feelings about this woman, but keep them to yourself and work past them. You brought it up to your husband and he straight up shut you down. If their relationship ended badly and his family continues to prioritize a relationship with her, what that tells me is that your boyfriend's conduct during the divorce was egregious enough that his family maybe was not entirely on his side. That is the red flag here, not who his mom and brother are friends with.

If you want this relationship to succeed, you need to build relationships with these people on your own. Right now, you are a girlfriend of 6 months. They don't care how long you worked together or dated before you became his actual girlfriend. That's not relevant for them. If you are around long enough, you will earn the right to exclude her from events. For example, if they invite her to Thanksgiving dinner and you're not there, it doesn't matter. Build your own relationship and make them want to hang out with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish some girl my son had only been dating for 6 months would have the audacity to tell me or try and coerce my son into telling me who I can/can't associate with.
I'd advise her to grow the ***k up and mind her business.

I'll bet if your son married her and they had kids you'd sing a different tune. My kids wouldn't be seeing my in-laws if they are hung up on the ex. I wouldn't want my kids to see the idiot my spouse dated. I know he wouldn't either, lol. Yes we all have choices!!!