BF's family way too close to ex wife

[Anonymous]

Wait - you were ACTUALLY considering saying something to his family before your BF told you not to??? It’s crazy that you would even contemplate it!!

[Anonymous]

I LOVE showing my DH threads like this - makes him appreciate me all the more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish some girl my son had only been dating for 6 months would have the audacity to tell me or try and coerce my son into telling me who I can/can't associate with.
I'd advise her to grow the ***k up and mind her business.

I'll bet if your son married her and they had kids you'd sing a different tune. My kids wouldn't be seeing my in-laws if they are hung up on the ex. I wouldn't want my kids to see the idiot my spouse dated. I know he wouldn't either, lol. Yes we all have choices!!!

Difference here is that the other woman was married to the guy, and presumably has known them for many years. OP is the idiot that the guy has been seeing for 6 months.

You do realize that "years" starts with 6 months, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my BF through work. We were friends for a year and after I found another job we stayed in touch. After that we dated for a few months and became BF/GF 6 months ago. It's serious and we have met each others friends and family. There are currently no plans to live together and marriage is something way down the line. I am very happy with him except I see one major red flag. His family is still close with his ex wife and they don't even have children. They divorced 3 years ago and did not part on good terms but she still kept in touch with his family.

I am not a jealous person and don't want to be controlling but this dynamic gets on my last nerve. What makes it even worse is that she moved away after the divorce and she moved back and everyone is now living in the same city. BF's identical twin brother posts pictures of her on his social media when they go clubbing together with their group of friends. His parents have dinner with her. I know of 2 instances and she has been back in town less than a month. I realize she has been gone a long time and everyone is happy to see her but I don't want this woman in my orbit. I asked my BF if this bothers him and he said no. He said he knows it might be awkward but he can't control his brother and parents. They have their own separate relationship with her that does not involve him. Here is the part that really upset me. He told me not to make an issue of it with his parents and brother. It would only make them mad and they will never give up their relationship with his ex wife for my sake and I will have to get use to it.

This really bothers me but I have been told point blank not to bring it up and get use to it. For the first time in our relationship I am having second thoughts about our relationship. I keep asking myself what am I getting myself into. I have never even met this woman and she is already causing trouble just by being around. Any advice?

I can see why it bothers you, but it's not going to change. His family can have a relationship with anyone they choose and talking with them is only going to alienate you and make you look controlling and nuts.

I don't think your BF is being mean to you in any way by telling you to "get used to it." I think he is warning you of what the response will be and the trouble you will cause by making this an issue.

I assume this angst is coming from two or three thoughts:

1. Your BF is secretly still in love with his ex
2. His family wants BF to dump you and get back together with ex
3. His family is not interested in bonding with you and prefers ex

You can only directly deal with item one by leaving the relationship if you believe it's true. Two and three are completely beyond you ability to control and any effort to do so is going to make you look bad.

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is pretty unusual for a family to have a relationship with an ex-wife. If I were you, I would be watchful for what this means because it's not typical. Are they oddly enmeshed/codependent? Is the relationship with the ex-wife a way to guilt your BF? Is BF's family incapable of moving on from difficult events? One of the things I wished I understood when I married was that I was marrying my husband's family too. They're not the easiest in-laws to have.

And, no, you can't control this situation. Whatever the dynamic is that created this relationship with the ex-wife, you won't be able to change it, and everyone would resent you for trying. If you can't live with it, then this relationship is not for you. It's heartbreaking, but it's absolutely better to know now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish some girl my son had only been dating for 6 months would have the audacity to tell me or try and coerce my son into telling me who I can/can't associate with.
I'd advise her to grow the ***k up and mind her business.

I'll bet if your son married her and they had kids you'd sing a different tune. My kids wouldn't be seeing my in-laws if they are hung up on the ex. I wouldn't want my kids to see the idiot my spouse dated. I know he wouldn't either, lol. Yes we all have choices!!!

Difference here is that the other woman was married to the guy, and presumably has known them for many years. OP is the idiot that the guy has been seeing for 6 months.

You do realize that "years" starts with 6 months, right?

So does 1 day. Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

I had a long unproductive talk with BF. I really felt he should say something to his family. At least tell his family I am not comfortable with the close relationship they have with his ex wife.

I told him again how much this was bothering me and he says he will not interfere with their relationship. It truly does not bother him one bit that his ex wife is so entrenched in his family life. He then proceeds to tell me more details I think he should have shared last week.

He tells me there is a chance he would be crossing paths with his ex wife professionally. This would not bother me under normal circumstances as long as he was up front and honest about it when it happened. When you factor this into the chummy relationship his family has where does it end? It does not end there. It gets even better.

He told me he is friends with his ex wife stepbrother. In fact he introduced them to each other. So he is involved with her family as well.

I can't do this. I am so done. No one will believe this but I can deal with the professional contact but when you factor in everything else I refuse to put up with it.

I told him it was too much to deal with. It was not fair that I was being setup to compete with his ex wife. He just does not get it or refuses to get it. He thinks I am overreacting and has not done anything to change my mind about dumping him. I don't expect him too.

It's been touched on here but I think he has not completely let his ex go and still has feelings for her. They have no children and yet he is fine with her being so involved with his family.

I know in my head its better I find out now but I regret ever getting involved with him.

[Anonymous]

I know someone whose best man at his second wedding was his ex bil. Weird, awkward, but it happens. The second marriage seems to be a very happy one.

You’re destroying your own relationship. IF it bothers you, just end it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long unproductive talk with BF. I really felt he should say something to his family. At least tell his family I am not comfortable with the close relationship they have with his ex wife.

I told him again how much this was bothering me and he says he will not interfere with their relationship. It truly does not bother him one bit that his ex wife is so entrenched in his family life. He then proceeds to tell me more details I think he should have shared last week.

He tells me there is a chance he would be crossing paths with his ex wife professionally. This would not bother me under normal circumstances as long as he was up front and honest about it when it happened. When you factor this into the chummy relationship his family has where does it end? It does not end there. It gets even better.

He told me he is friends with his ex wife stepbrother. In fact he introduced them to each other. So he is involved with her family as well.

I can't do this. I am so done. No one will believe this but I can deal with the professional contact but when you factor in everything else I refuse to put up with it.

I told him it was too much to deal with. It was not fair that I was being setup to compete with his ex wife. He just does not get it or refuses to get it. He thinks I am overreacting and has not done anything to change my mind about dumping him. I don't expect him too.

It's been touched on here but I think he has not completely let his ex go and still has feelings for her. They have no children and yet he is fine with her being so involved with his family.

I know in my head its better I find out now but I regret ever getting involved with him.

It sounds like he's trying to set the precedent in your relationship that you don't get to control everyone and everything. Good for him. If that's unacceptable to you, move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long unproductive talk with BF. I really felt he should say something to his family. At least tell his family I am not comfortable with the close relationship they have with his ex wife.

I told him again how much this was bothering me and he says he will not interfere with their relationship. It truly does not bother him one bit that his ex wife is so entrenched in his family life. He then proceeds to tell me more details I think he should have shared last week.

He tells me there is a chance he would be crossing paths with his ex wife professionally. This would not bother me under normal circumstances as long as he was up front and honest about it when it happened. When you factor this into the chummy relationship his family has where does it end? It does not end there. It gets even better.

He told me he is friends with his ex wife stepbrother. In fact he introduced them to each other. So he is involved with her family as well.

I can't do this. I am so done. No one will believe this but I can deal with the professional contact but when you factor in everything else I refuse to put up with it.

I told him it was too much to deal with. It was not fair that I was being setup to compete with his ex wife. He just does not get it or refuses to get it. He thinks I am overreacting and has not done anything to change my mind about dumping him. I don't expect him too.

It's been touched on here but I think he has not completely let his ex go and still has feelings for her. They have no children and yet he is fine with her being so involved with his family.

I know in my head its better I find out now but I regret ever getting involved with him.

Because you are overreacting. This is so entitled. You don't get to control other people's relationships. All these people were friends with each other before you and your bf started dating. It is unreasonable for you to expect that they give up their friendships. And unless your bf or his family is explicitly comparing you to the ex, this is all in your head.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he's trying to set the precedent in your relationship that you don't get to control everyone and everything. Good for him. If that's unacceptable to you, move on.

+1 Spin it whatever way you want. The bottom line is that you two are not compatible and you should move on.

[Anonymous]

Wow, just wow. OP you really need to take some time and work on your self esteem and your own insecurities. It really doesn’t seem like you’re emotionally prepared for an adult relationship. You can’t control other people and you certainly can’t control the relationships of their family members. One day you’ll look back at this situation and realize this was all you. I’m glad you broke up with the guy, he deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a long unproductive talk with BF. I really felt he should say something to his family. At least tell his family I am not comfortable with the close relationship they have with his ex wife.

I told him again how much this was bothering me and he says he will not interfere with their relationship. It truly does not bother him one bit that his ex wife is so entrenched in his family life. He then proceeds to tell me more details I think he should have shared last week.

He tells me there is a chance he would be crossing paths with his ex wife professionally. This would not bother me under normal circumstances as long as he was up front and honest about it when it happened. When you factor this into the chummy relationship his family has where does it end? It does not end there. It gets even better.

He told me he is friends with his ex wife stepbrother. In fact he introduced them to each other. So he is involved with her family as well.

I can't do this. I am so done. No one will believe this but I can deal with the professional contact but when you factor in everything else I refuse to put up with it.

I told him it was too much to deal with. It was not fair that I was being setup to compete with his ex wife. He just does not get it or refuses to get it. He thinks I am overreacting and has not done anything to change my mind about dumping him. I don't expect him too.

It's been touched on here but I think he has not completely let his ex go and still has feelings for her. They have no children and yet he is fine with her being so involved with his family.

I know in my head its better I find out now but I regret ever getting involved with him.

You haven’t taken in one word of the unanimous feedback you’ve gotten; you’re like a broken record.

[Anonymous]

He's dodging a bullet here.

[Anonymous]

You are overreacting. The only person who sees it as a competition is you.