Regret about waiting too long

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 34, waited about 18 months to start trying again and it never happened. Many miscarriages, so then we tried IVF with PGS and four transfers failed to result in a pregnancy. I was devastated - wanting another child and then trying so hard and failing was emotionally exhausting. I so regretted waiting, maybe I didn't try hard enough, would another doctor have been more successful. I'm 43, close to 44 now and these feelings really started to fade over the past couple years - at 41 I was still thinking it would be possible, maybe I should try again, but the older my child got and the older I got I knew that realistically, even if I were given the opportunity for guaranteed success, I'd need to stop and consider if I would do it. And now I know I wouldn't - I love my life and my family as it is now. I still get a twinge when I hear about someone having their second, third, or even fourth baby but I'm able to be happy for them after a second without it being a sad event for me.

I wouldn't go back and start sooner, because I love my son more than anything. I wouldn't change a thing right now - but that's an impossible place to be in when you're still in it. I'm optimistic for you - that you'll find peace with the choices you made with the information you had at the time, that you'll realize that you wouldn't change a thing about your family, that you'll be able to put the whole mess that infertility creates, both physically and mentally behind you.

[Anonymous]

You have gotten a lot of great advice, OP. Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

Newsflash, career issues and infertility are not equivalents. You seem to lack empathy.

Why? Because I offered my point of view? They are not equivalent to whom? Maybe some women think their career is more important (especially if they waited to have kids for a career). I made different choices for OP and I wish i had waited a few more years so that I could have both (kids and career). Why do I lack empathy?

New poster here. I think you were only trying to offer your perspective and meant well but I agree that they are not equivalent. Yes it is disappointing to have a job that is not as high up in the ladder as you envisioned yourself being in, particularly if you have always been career oriented. I have a PhD too so I can relate.

It is another thing however to experience the completely crushing disappointment of having no children when you want one. I think it’s also very demoralizing to not be able to expand your family as you wished but the most horrible thing is to never have the experience of being a mother at all.

I took the point of her post to be that there are cost and benefits to everything. I have a PhD and agree that it's crushing to think of not being able to have a child (or more children); however, I also think it's pretty crushing to many women not to have a career, or the career they felt like would realize their own potential. It's just become more socially acceptable for women to admit that career can be a big deal to their sense of self.

OP, on this specifically: "the fact that in 5 years I had zero pregnancies (while getting pregnant on the first try with my son) leads me to believe that I have some kind of sudden, severe reproductive issue that happened right after I gave birth. "

Somehow you need to release yourself from this linear way of thinking that is causing you so much regret and pain. The idea that if you could just reverse time and redo it is so tempting -- I personally understand that -- but it's simply not true that it would necessarily work out better. We just don't know that it's true. I'm sorry for your pain. I hope that in time you understand the former choices your past self made brought you to who you are, with the life you have now, and that you forgive yourself.

[Anonymous]

Similar, OP, I married late and had my first at 39. We dithered on trying for a second and then did several IUIs and three IVFs at 42/43 before giving up. I spent a long time second guessing whether we should have started earlier, kept going, donor egg, etc. Eventually those feelings passed as our cohort finished having babies and I went into permenopause . DS is now 10, he has lots of friends, and our lives are pretty great. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I am SO here. My Ob told me at 41 when my DC was 1 that I should start trying. I was knee deep in PPA and BF and couldn't fathom it then. A year later and we've been trying for several months to no avail and my numbers are dismal. RE says it's worth a try but not much hope. I SO want a second- I missed the whole newborn phase due to being out of mind with PPD. I want our son to have a sibling- we don't have a big extended family and we dont' see them much. I don't want him to feel lonely. I am SO sad after seeing my numbers and meeting with our RE...I feel like a failure and I'm so mad at myself for wasting a year before trying again-

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don't have a career either, so it's not like I can justify why I waited because of career. I'm 41 and I make $20/hour working part-time in a "hobby job." Fortunately we do not need my salary (DH is in a high powered career) so financial wise it doesn't matter that I make only $20/hour but it matters to me/feeling like I never lived up to my potential either career-wise or family-wise. Though family-wise was completely not in my control other than the fact that I waited too long to get pregnant the first time.

I wish I had primary infertility instead of secondary, because if I had had primary I would have done IVF and had a few embryos to freeze, and could have done a FET for a sibling. Instead I got pregnant on the first try and then could not get pregnant a second time over the span of 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have a career either, so it's not like I can justify why I waited because of career. I'm 41 and I make $20/hour working part-time in a "hobby job." Fortunately we do not need my salary (DH is in a high powered career) so financial wise it doesn't matter that I make only $20/hour but it matters to me/feeling like I never lived up to my potential either career-wise or family-wise. Though family-wise was completely not in my control other than the fact that I waited too long to get pregnant the first time.

I wish I had primary infertility instead of secondary, because if I had had primary I would have done IVF and had a few embryos to freeze, and could have done a FET for a sibling. Instead I got pregnant on the first try and then could not get pregnant a second time over the span of 5 years.

There will always be reasons to regrets and it's a choice to let them go, though it is really really hard (I have many regrets myself I'm trying to let go of). Also, the story you keep telling yourself is the story that will remain. You don't have to believe everything you think.

More practically, is donor embryo an option? And there are many hidden plus sides of having one child that will avail themselves to you if you decide to stop TTC (which, frankly speaking, takes courage, sometimes more than "never give up").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have a career either, so it's not like I can justify why I waited because of career. I'm 41 and I make $20/hour working part-time in a "hobby job." Fortunately we do not need my salary (DH is in a high powered career) so financial wise it doesn't matter that I make only $20/hour but it matters to me/feeling like I never lived up to my potential either career-wise or family-wise. Though family-wise was completely not in my control other than the fact that I waited too long to get pregnant the first time.

I wish I had primary infertility instead of secondary, because if I had had primary I would have done IVF and had a few embryos to freeze, and could have done a FET for a sibling. Instead I got pregnant on the first try and then could not get pregnant a second time over the span of 5 years.

No guarantees OP your first IVF could have failed to take and remaining embryos could have been destroyed in freezer failure or something else. Be thankful you were able to get pregnant and have a beautiful child.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'm in a similar boat (but over 40) and kicking myself for not starting everything sooner. But I am trying to remember that everything happens in its own time- if I had tried earlier in life, I wouldn't have the exact amazing son I have now. And if I had tried when he was an infant, not only was I not ready but maybe it wouldn't have been meant to be- because I wasn't ready. Everything in its own time. I desperately want a second child. Trying hard every single day to make this idea stick. Hugs to you OP and everyone else-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don't have a career either, so it's not like I can justify why I waited because of career. I'm 41 and I make $20/hour working part-time in a "hobby job." Fortunately we do not need my salary (DH is in a high powered career) so financial wise it doesn't matter that I make only $20/hour but it matters to me/feeling like I never lived up to my potential either career-wise or family-wise. Though family-wise was completely not in my control other than the fact that I waited too long to get pregnant the first time.

I wish I had primary infertility instead of secondary, because if I had had primary I would have done IVF and had a few embryos to freeze, and could have done a FET for a sibling. Instead I got pregnant on the first try and then could not get pregnant a second time over the span of 5 years.

Oh honey. You are being really, really hard on yourself. This stuff about potential with career and family -- something deep down is bothering you about how you live your life. You can change your work, you can explore what you want for your family. But it sounds like you need to stop beating yourself up first. We have all been there. The infertility, you can't control and it sucks. Really sucks. How you feel about yourself, your deep feelings of inadequacy and anxiety -- that I think you can change. I'm sorry, I know this is a really hard time and maybe not one in which you want to be told, do more work! That's ok. But I think some of this guilt might lessen if you let go of the feeling that you did something wrong and something is wrong with you. Find the things in your life that make you feel good and connected, and see if doing more of that gets you in a place where you see what is needed here.