Regret about waiting too long

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Donor embryo can be much cheaper than donor egg or adoption.

+1 Definitely worth looking into, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

I think PP's post is helpful, and trying to show both sides.

They’re not mutually exclusive though. I started trying at 26, and went through infertility. I’m now 31, and am no better off in my career because I don’t have three kids yet. I’m still a mid-level associate. I wouldn’t have been able to afford to be a sahm either so it’s not like I would’ve “leaned out.” Not saying you did or sahm either, just pointing it out. There’s no guarantee op either way. ((Hugs))

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your situation--I can definitely relate! My regret focuses on waiting too long to have #1, because I got pregnant right away the first time and maybe if I had had #1 a few years earlier then I could have had a second. I never imagined that I would be diagnosed as "infertile" when I still had an infant under 12 months old! That was definitely hard to learn.

I am not interested in DE personally, and would not have gone that route no matter what. It appears I have implantation problems, so DE/donor embryo probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

I'm interested in how you have coped with the regret about not trying for a second sooner--how are you dealing with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your situation--I can definitely relate! My regret focuses on waiting too long to have #1, because I got pregnant right away the first time and maybe if I had had #1 a few years earlier then I could have had a second. I never imagined that I would be diagnosed as "infertile" when I still had an infant under 12 months old! That was definitely hard to learn.

I am not interested in DE personally, and would not have gone that route no matter what. It appears I have implantation problems, so DE/donor embryo probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

I'm interested in how you have coped with the regret about not trying for a second sooner--how are you dealing with it?

I wish the circumstances were different but I am trying to focus on the positives of just having one child. At this point we have so much freedom and flexibility to travel and enjoy life - we aren’t constrained by naps, diapers or strict schedules. We also have the financial resources to be able to let DS do a few different after school activities, go to summer camp, we are saving for his college, etc. We have a really great life and are lucky in many ways, and I am grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your situation--I can definitely relate! My regret focuses on waiting too long to have #1, because I got pregnant right away the first time and maybe if I had had #1 a few years earlier then I could have had a second. I never imagined that I would be diagnosed as "infertile" when I still had an infant under 12 months old! That was definitely hard to learn.

I am not interested in DE personally, and would not have gone that route no matter what. It appears I have implantation problems, so DE/donor embryo probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

I'm interested in how you have coped with the regret about not trying for a second sooner--how are you dealing with it?

I wish the circumstances were different but I am trying to focus on the positives of just having one child. At this point we have so much freedom and flexibility to travel and enjoy life - we aren’t constrained by naps, diapers or strict schedules. We also have the financial resources to be able to let DS do a few different after school activities, go to summer camp, we are saving for his college, etc. We have a really great life and are lucky in many ways, and I am grateful for that.

OP here. Yes, I am also trying to do this. Focusing on the positives and practicing gratitude. It's hard though because I'm only of the few only child families at our school and most of my friends have 2-3 kids. I feel very left behind while everyone else is moving on and growing their family and I cannot and it just makes me feel so sad/depressed that maybe this could have been avoided if only I had started TTC earlier. Of course I will never know if that would have even helped but the fact that in 5 years I had zero pregnancies (while getting pregnant on the first try with my son) leads me to believe that I have some kind of sudden, severe reproductive issue that happened right after I gave birth. While I was diagnosed with low AMH I went to several DOR specialists who told me that I do not have DOR but have unexplained secondary infertility.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sorry. I have a similar feeling. It took us 3 years to have DC #1. My OB told me when he was 9 mos to start trying again (I'm 41). I didn't feel ready then and started trying when he was 18 mos. We have now been trying almost a year and nothing. I WISH I had heeded her advice and tried a year ago. All of my friends have two kids or more and I feel so left out. We're still trying but I know the odds are slim. What does help, is keeping in mind how extremely lucky I am to have my child at all. I had him at 40 and I never thought I would be lucky enough to be a mom. There are days when I look at him and think wow! I am mother, something I never thought would be granted to me. Don't know if this helps, but it does for me some days. Hang in there-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

Newsflash, career issues and infertility are not equivalents. You seem to lack empathy.

[Anonymous]

I’m always surprised when women are surprised that they don’t conceive easily after 35, regardless of how easy it was before to get pregnant. The science just isn’t on your side and it’s curious to me how many professional and well-educated women don’t seem to realize that or want to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

Newsflash, career issues and infertility are not equivalents. You seem to lack empathy.

Why? Because I offered my point of view? They are not equivalent to whom? Maybe some women think their career is more important (especially if they waited to have kids for a career). I made different choices for OP and I wish i had waited a few more years so that I could have both (kids and career). Why do I lack empathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

Newsflash, career issues and infertility are not equivalents. You seem to lack empathy.

Why? Because I offered my point of view? They are not equivalent to whom? Maybe some women think their career is more important (especially if they waited to have kids for a career). I made different choices for OP and I wish i had waited a few more years so that I could have both (kids and career). Why do I lack empathy?

New poster here. I think you were only trying to offer your perspective and meant well but I agree that they are not equivalent. Yes it is disappointing to have a job that is not as high up in the ladder as you envisioned yourself being in, particularly if you have always been career oriented. I have a PhD too so I can relate.

It is another thing however to experience the completely crushing disappointment of having no children when you want one. I think it’s also very demoralizing to not be able to expand your family as you wished but the most horrible thing is to never have the experience of being a mother at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

Newsflash, career issues and infertility are not equivalents. You seem to lack empathy.

Why? Because I offered my point of view? They are not equivalent to whom? Maybe some women think their career is more important (especially if they waited to have kids for a career). I made different choices for OP and I wish i had waited a few more years so that I could have both (kids and career). Why do I lack empathy?

New poster here. I think you were only trying to offer your perspective and meant well but I agree that they are not equivalent. Yes it is disappointing to have a job that is not as high up in the ladder as you envisioned yourself being in, particularly if you have always been career oriented. I have a PhD too so I can relate.

It is another thing however to experience the completely crushing disappointment of having no children when you want one. I think it’s also very demoralizing to not be able to expand your family as you wished but the most horrible thing is to never have the experience of being a mother at all.

This. X100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your situation--I can definitely relate! My regret focuses on waiting too long to have #1, because I got pregnant right away the first time and maybe if I had had #1 a few years earlier then I could have had a second. I never imagined that I would be diagnosed as "infertile" when I still had an infant under 12 months old! That was definitely hard to learn.

I am not interested in DE personally, and would not have gone that route no matter what. It appears I have implantation problems, so DE/donor embryo probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

I'm interested in how you have coped with the regret about not trying for a second sooner--how are you dealing with it?

I wish the circumstances were different but I am trying to focus on the positives of just having one child. At this point we have so much freedom and flexibility to travel and enjoy life - we aren’t constrained by naps, diapers or strict schedules. We also have the financial resources to be able to let DS do a few different after school activities, go to summer camp, we are saving for his college, etc. We have a really great life and are lucky in many ways, and I am grateful for that.

OP here. Yes, I am also trying to do this. Focusing on the positives and practicing gratitude. It's hard though because I'm only of the few only child families at our school and most of my friends have 2-3 kids. I feel very left behind while everyone else is moving on and growing their family and I cannot and it just makes me feel so sad/depressed that maybe this could have been avoided if only I had started TTC earlier. Of course I will never know if that would have even helped but the fact that in 5 years I had zero pregnancies (while getting pregnant on the first try with my son) leads me to believe that I have some kind of sudden, severe reproductive issue that happened right after I gave birth. While I was diagnosed with low AMH I went to several DOR specialists who told me that I do not have DOR but have unexplained secondary infertility.

OP - If it makes you feel any better, many of my friends have 2-3 kids and I have 0. I started trying at 34 and am nearly 40 and still have 0. I also am very likely to develop cancer later in life due to these issues.

I am truly not trying to be snarky, but hope my story illustrates all that you do have to be grateful for despite your recent challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I totally understand how you feel. I always think about the “what if’s” which I know isn’t productive but I still think about the path not taken.

My situation is a bit different... I had my first at 32 and he was a very challenging baby and toddler. Colic, extreme reflux, didn’t sleep. I was miserable from ages 0-3. He literally almost broke me (of course I love him more than anything - he was just very hard). DH and I couldn’t even think of having another until DS was 3, when a switch flipped and he became the most amazing, calm and happy little boy. We finally decided it was time to start trying and 3 years later we’ve had no luck. DS is 6 now and I think we are ready to throw in the towel.

My two regrets are:

1. Not trying sooner, like when he was 2, because yes it would have been even harder with 2 young kids but that would be better than not having a second at all. Plus going back to having a baby and a 7 year old does not seen that awesome to me.

2. The first RE I met with diagnosed me with DOR and told me not to waste time and just go to DE. We said no way but if I could do it over again we would have jumped in that right away.

OP here. Thanks for sharing your situation--I can definitely relate! My regret focuses on waiting too long to have #1, because I got pregnant right away the first time and maybe if I had had #1 a few years earlier then I could have had a second. I never imagined that I would be diagnosed as "infertile" when I still had an infant under 12 months old! That was definitely hard to learn.

I am not interested in DE personally, and would not have gone that route no matter what. It appears I have implantation problems, so DE/donor embryo probably wouldn't have worked anyways.

I'm interested in how you have coped with the regret about not trying for a second sooner--how are you dealing with it?

I wish the circumstances were different but I am trying to focus on the positives of just having one child. At this point we have so much freedom and flexibility to travel and enjoy life - we aren’t constrained by naps, diapers or strict schedules. We also have the financial resources to be able to let DS do a few different after school activities, go to summer camp, we are saving for his college, etc. We have a really great life and are lucky in many ways, and I am grateful for that.

OP here. Yes, I am also trying to do this. Focusing on the positives and practicing gratitude. It's hard though because I'm only of the few only child families at our school and most of my friends have 2-3 kids. I feel very left behind while everyone else is moving on and growing their family and I cannot and it just makes me feel so sad/depressed that maybe this could have been avoided if only I had started TTC earlier. Of course I will never know if that would have even helped but the fact that in 5 years I had zero pregnancies (while getting pregnant on the first try with my son) leads me to believe that I have some kind of sudden, severe reproductive issue that happened right after I gave birth. While I was diagnosed with low AMH I went to several DOR specialists who told me that I do not have DOR but have unexplained secondary infertility.

OP - If it makes you feel any better, many of my friends have 2-3 kids and I have 0. I started trying at 34 and am nearly 40 and still have 0. I also am very likely to develop cancer later in life due to these issues.

I am truly not trying to be snarky, but hope my story illustrates all that you do have to be grateful for despite your recent challenges.

Not OP but this is why I am grateful for the one healthy child I do have. I have a colleague who is only 35 but has been trying for 6 years with no success.

I wish you much success in some way, shape or form, and most importantly good health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

Just a data point, you can do donor eggs outside of US. In Europe a full cycle with meds and donor compensation can run you $6-8K total or so.