Regret about waiting too long

[Anonymous]

Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

[Anonymous]

I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

[Anonymous]

It’s hard but not much you can do (not trying to be sarcastic). Do you think you did all you could cuz it seems like you did. No one could have predicted your situation. All I can say is look at the positive and enjoy your little one....not trying to compare. Been TTC since I was 28 & immediately saw RE. Am 34 now still no pregnancy. I have PCOS. all other numbers are good. Done 8 cycles TI with climid and letrozole. Iui, Fresh IVF, FET and nothing. Doing my second FET and adding acupuncture hoping for a happy ending but I am gradually accepting that I may never have a child of my own. It’s defini financially and emotionally draining and don’t think we will have much funds to even consider adoption. ...I don’t think u waited too long since u were working with an RE during your 5 year stretch...u did everything u could unfortunately somethings are definitely out of our control. Sending xoxo ? your way. It’s devoid hardcore oil to swallow with all this Infertilitt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

don't beat yourself over it. you started your family at a fairly reasonable age. there is no guarantee that you would be more successful if you started earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

Exactly!

There’s no way of knowing. I had one rather young. Waited 8 years and lost a planned baby. Nothing for years. Gave up. Focused on my career. Had a whoops. I couldn’t have anticipated the last two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

There are pros and cons to every decision. She might not have the career that she has if she had 3 kids back to back like me. My friends that waited to have an established career before starting to conceive are now in a better place career wise. The grass is always greener...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

don't beat yourself over it. you started your family at a fairly reasonable age. there is no guarantee that you would be more successful if you started earlier.

+1. I had my first at age 30/31 after six months of trying, now at 34 just got a DOR diagnosis and did not see that coming at all. Fertility is a crapshoot and I'm sorry both of us have crappy luck. You do the best you can with what information you have and don't beat yourself up over what you can't control. It sucks, I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

don't beat yourself over it. you started your family at a fairly reasonable age. there is no guarantee that you would be more successful if you started earlier.

+1

[Anonymous]

Donor embryo can be much cheaper than donor egg or adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the opposite problem. I started at 28 and had my third at 34. My career however has suffered and at 35 I still don’t have a good job (I have a PhD)... I am sad and disappointed. Grateful about my kids of course, but my bosses now are my age or even younger.

I am sorry this is happening to you OP, but at this day and age having kids young may not always work out for the best either

How is this post supposed to help OP?

OP, you can’t possibly have predicted this. Don’t be so hard on yourself. There is no way of knowing if IVF would have worked. Have you consulted with different RE for a second opinion?

I think PP's post is helpful, and trying to show both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Got pregnant on the first try at 35, happy and healthy pregnancy and wonderful child. Started TTC #2 at 36 and after a few months went to the gyn for Day 3 bloodwork. Found very low AMH (.30), but okay AFC (10) and great FSH (5). Was diagnosed with decreased ovarian reserve and told that I would never be able to get pregnant naturally and that IVF would have a very low chance of working. I didn't believe GYN and went to an RE. Now it's been 5 years of TTC, IUIs (medicated) and IVFs, and still no pregnancy. That first GYN was right. I'm now 41 and feel like I will never able to get pregnant a second time. I have a lot of regret about waiting too long with #1. How do you deal with/cope with this kind of regret about waiting when you're not able to get pregnant again?

We can't afford donor eggs or adoption now given how much we've paid out of pocket for IUIs and IVFs over the last 5 years.

don't beat yourself over it. you started your family at a fairly reasonable age. there is no guarantee that you would be more successful if you started earlier.

Yes, it's true. There are some women who are younger who have experienced DOR after the first pregnancy. Even if you had started in your 20's, the same thing could have happened to you after the birth of your first child. You could be 8 years younger and have gone through the exact same experience. The only difference being that you would have been younger and likely your income would have been lower and the intervening years could have been even harder financially.

Do you second guess what happened because you don't know that starting earlier would necessarily have been better.

I wish you peace, OP.

[Anonymous]

How do you deal with it? You tell yourself that you made the best decision you could with the information you had. This isn’t an exact science and there are no guarantees.
If you had started sooner, you would not have ended up with the child you have now. My guess is that you would not change a thing if it meant not having THIS amazing 6 year old in your life.

Grieve the loss of the dream, hopes and plans for a second child. And then move on from it. You have a wonderful child that needs you to be present.

I’m sorry this didn’t happen the way you wanted it to turn out. Peace to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry - please try to accept that you did not do anything wrong. You never know what could have happened even if you had tried sooner. A friend of mine ended up having to use a donor egg at 28 years old because she went to an RE after 2 years of trying and found out she was in early menopause. Sometimes these things are just out of our control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with it? You tell yourself that you made the best decision you could with the information you had. This isn’t an exact science and there are no guarantees.
If you had started sooner, you would not have ended up with the child you have now. My guess is that you would not change a thing if it meant not having THIS amazing 6 year old in your life.

Grieve the loss of the dream, hopes and plans for a second child. And then move on from it. You have a wonderful child that needs you to be present.

I’m sorry this didn’t happen the way you wanted it to turn out. Peace to you.

2nd this. You did what you could. Focus on the positive and ground yourself in gratitude for what you do have. Many women wish for just one healthy child.