weigh in on dad's friend/teen drama at family gathering

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dad should have defended DD. I have a 16 yo that does not date.

I would say, there are many reasons why DD may choose not to date. Sexual orientation is her business, not your or mine. She is doing well in school, setting her up for a good future.

I didn't have a boyfriend in HS and, believe me, I made up for lost time when I got to college where I had lots of dates with guys and lots of fun dating.

HS dating is nice when it works out but after seeing so many "details" and gossip being spread around after a teenage couple broke up...I really didn't feel comfortable dating in a fish bowl like that. College was a bigger world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

I think she did handle it with grace by telling the friend he was insensitive.

No reason why if friend acts like a jackass a 16 year old can’t call him on it. It’s one thing to be respectful to adults, it’s another thing to teach your kids to just take it when they get treated like crap. Speaking up was allowable in this situation, IMHO.

Speaking up is allowable but at least in OP's telling, the way she said it was rude. She should have said "excuse me Mr. X, I don't care to discuss my dating life" or "excuse me, but that's my business and I'm not interested in discussing it." Still assertive, maybe even more so, but more socially correct on the surface.

That said, she's 16. If a parent's friend had asked me anything inappropriate about my love life when I was 16, I probably would have mumbled something and then fled to my room and cried.

Nope. Girls need to learn to speak like boys - fewer words, more punch. Don't perpetuate conventions that keep women down.

I agree with the PP who posted the more appropriate alternatives. Setting boundaries for what you, personally, are willing to do or discuss is a good thing. However, it really isn't appropriate for a teenage child to be basically chastising or passing judgment on any non-dangerous behavior of an adult.

And if "speaking like boys" means being blunt, abrupt, presumptuous, and rude then I think we need to be teaching boys better manners, not teaching girls to live down to poor examples.

[Anonymous]

The friend was being wildly inappropriate and should have been called out before the daughter even had to respond. What grown man harasses a teenager about her dating life and sexual orientation?? He is a pig and good for the girl for standing up for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

We have standards for how children are expected to act, but no one in the house is supposed to be a dishrag when insulted. She called him out on his words. She didn't use any bad ones of her own. I think that is plenty graceful enough.

I was a girl a lot like OPs daughter, and this could have happened in my house (because my dad was very insensitive and I have a similar story). It would have taken me an hour to recover from the friend's comment. It would have taken me a month to recover from my dad showing his distain for me. Yet again...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

I think she did handle it with grace by telling the friend he was insensitive.

No reason why if friend acts like a jackass a 16 year old can’t call him on it. It’s one thing to be respectful to adults, it’s another thing to teach your kids to just take it when they get treated like crap. Speaking up was allowable in this situation, IMHO.

Speaking up is allowable but at least in OP's telling, the way she said it was rude. She should have said "excuse me Mr. X, I don't care to discuss my dating life" or "excuse me, but that's my business and I'm not interested in discussing it." Still assertive, maybe even more so, but more socially correct on the surface.

That said, she's 16. If a parent's friend had asked me anything inappropriate about my love life when I was 16, I probably would have mumbled something and then fled to my room and cried.

Nope. Girls need to learn to speak like boys - fewer words, more punch. Don't perpetuate conventions that keep women down.

I agree with the PP who posted the more appropriate alternatives. Setting boundaries for what you, personally, are willing to do or discuss is a good thing. However, it really isn't appropriate for a teenage child to be basically chastising or passing judgment on any non-dangerous behavior of an adult.

And if "speaking like boys" means being blunt, abrupt, presumptuous, and rude then I think we need to be teaching boys better manners, not teaching girls to live down to poor examples.

The adult in question was way out of line. He deserved a smack down response and she gave it to him. Telling him that he was being insensitive was a nice way of telling him that he was being an azzhole. She was blunt w/o being crass. She handled it well.

[Anonymous]

As a grown women with an uncle who used to make comments like this, and who was told to ignore it and be respectful because he was an “adult” (who was surely not acting like it), good for this girl for not taking his inappropriate comments. Guys who will make comments like that to a 16 yo unchecked will think and say worse of grown women. He was an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents need to teach sensitive Larla to lighten up. By your own admission she's insecure about the fact that she has no boyfriend. Pandering to her insecurity, allowing her to believe that everyone should be handling her insecure little self with kid gloves is doing her no favors.

Parents like the PPs on this thread are why we have legions of snowflakes in college.

kid gloves? he asked her (with distain) if she were a lesbian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the PP who posted the more appropriate alternatives. Setting boundaries for what you, personally, are willing to do or discuss is a good thing. However, it really isn't appropriate for a teenage child to be basically chastising or passing judgment on any non-dangerous behavior of an adult.

And if "speaking like boys" means being blunt, abrupt, presumptuous, and rude then I think we need to be teaching boys better manners, not teaching girls to live down to poor examples.

Eh? "Does your wife know you're interested in the sex lives of your friends' 16-year-old daughters, you skeevy old man?" would have been rude. What OP says she said, is not.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the girl would have been nicer in her delivery if she had any faith that the other adult in the room was going to step up and act like one.

[Anonymous]

Friend dad was totally rude and inappropriate. You don’t ask some about their sexuality! Never mind a kid!

[Anonymous]

Great girl, gross friend, pathetic father.

[Anonymous]

The friend was rude. I can't imagine someone who isn't elderly or from a different culture and not aware of American social norms saying this. Dad should've stepped in and defended his daughter. He could've said like, " she's not allowed to date (jokingly)" or she has plenty of time if he wanted to defend the daughter and defuse the situation. The daughter was polite but assertive in her response. She did nothing wrong.

[Anonymous]

Disgusting episode of the type that I spent years working on in therapy and wondering why I could never please my parents.

[Anonymous]

She should go put a bunch of rainbow flags in his yard and pride parade grand marshal decal on his car.

[Anonymous]

I just read this to my husband, up through the friend’s comment and asked what should have happened next. He said her dad should obviously tell his friend his comments are inappropriate.” When I read him what actually happened he said it was not really surprising her dad didn’t defend her, since if he has a friend who would say something like that he’s probably not the best guy either.