weigh in on dad's friend/teen drama at family gathering

[Anonymous]

The people are scum. The situation likely can't be fixed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

I don't know that I'd consider this an "intrusive" question. To me, that is something like asking about someone's weight gain, or how much income tax they pay, or whether they regularly take Dulcolax. An older man asking an underage girl about her dating life and commenting about her sexual orientation in her own house, in front of her parent, is on another level and does not deserve a graceful response. It's like taking a dump in the kitchen sink. If the dad had any decency, he should have told his "friend" he was a pervert and thrown him out of the house.

Absolutely agree. Friend is a creep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

And if he'd pinched her rear end, she should have just gracefully moved away and asked him about his golf game (or whatever)! Right?

When somebody asks an inappropriate question like that, I see no reason to minimize awkwardness. Awkwardness is the correct result of questions like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

I think she did handle it with grace by telling the friend he was insensitive.

No reason why if friend acts like a jackass a 16 year old can’t call him on it. It’s one thing to be respectful to adults, it’s another thing to teach your kids to just take it when they get treated like crap. Speaking up was allowable in this situation, IMHO.

Speaking up is allowable but at least in OP's telling, the way she said it was rude. She should have said "excuse me Mr. X, I don't care to discuss my dating life" or "excuse me, but that's my business and I'm not interested in discussing it." Still assertive, maybe even more so, but more socially correct on the surface.

That said, she's 16. If a parent's friend had asked me anything inappropriate about my love life when I was 16, I probably would have mumbled something and then fled to my room and cried.

Nope. Girls need to learn to speak like boys - fewer words, more punch. Don't perpetuate conventions that keep women down.

I agree with the PP who posted the more appropriate alternatives. Setting boundaries for what you, personally, are willing to do or discuss is a good thing. However, it really isn't appropriate for a teenage child to be basically chastising or passing judgment on any non-dangerous behavior of an adult.

And if "speaking like boys" means being blunt, abrupt, presumptuous, and rude then I think we need to be teaching boys better manners, not teaching girls to live down to poor examples.

In this example, the friend and Dad are in a more powerful position than the girl. I think we’d have a much better world if those in power got called out on their shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

Well considering the father's behavior in this example, I don't really think your house rules are applicable here. If the father defended his daughter, perhaps, he (or alternatively you) could expect the daughter to take a more gracious tone and response. She was left to fend for herself. She did just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

Oh, bull. The guy was making a joke at this girl's expense and it was not a nice joke that he was making.

She doesn't have to pretend to roll with something so out of line. She stuck up for herself exactly as she should have and she did it in no uncertain terms and with a good amount of grace given what (who) she was dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

And if he'd pinched her rear end, she should have just gracefully moved away and asked him about his golf game (or whatever)! Right?

When somebody asks an inappropriate question like that, I see no reason to minimize awkwardness. Awkwardness is the correct result of questions like that.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Friend was awful, but dad was worse for siding with friend over dd. I'd toss DH out of the house if he snapped at dd instead of defending her in that situation.

[Anonymous]

The dad let his daughter down, and she will remember that moment and how he made her feel about him and their relationship. And now she knows that he will side with his bros over his own kid. And she also knows that even in her own home, where she should feel safe, she is potentially vulnerable to whatever verbal sexist b.s. someone older might throw at her. Well done, Dad.

Dad's friend is obviously a complete jerk.

[Anonymous]

If this happened to my teen daughter, I would talk to Dad's "friend" myself and give him a piece of my mind. Then I would not allow him around my daughter ever again.

Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How could the girl possibly respond other than to tell him off?

All simple, "I don't care to discuss that, Mr. Friend. But on the topic of social lives, ____? (change the topic with a question that gives him an opening to discuss some mutual acquaintance, one of his kids, or an event he went to recently)"

Then she can excuse herself as soon as a natural break in the conversation arises.

Learning to deflect intrusive questions gracefully and set boundaries in social interactions while minimizing any awkwardness and keeping the conversation flowing is a useful skill for young people to develop, as it would serve anyone well throughout life.

And if he'd pinched her rear end, she should have just gracefully moved away and asked him about his golf game (or whatever)! Right?

When somebody asks an inappropriate question like that, I see no reason to minimize awkwardness. Awkwardness is the correct result of questions like that.

Exactly!

And particularly since a small subset of the type of men who make these comments are testing the waters to see how compliant a young woman (or young man) might be. I'll assume that the dad's friend is just a garden variety jerk and not an abuser, but we do have to train our kids to put up boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That girl is amazing and her response is perfect. The men suck.

Yup. Congrats to raising a strong young woman.

Men often cover for each other. I really don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The friend was an insensitive jerk, and the father was wrong for not defending his daughter against his own friend's ruse comments. However, I do think it was reasonable for the father to have told off the daughter for snapping. That wouldn't fly in our house either: we have high standards for how our children are expected to interact with adults, in a way she was a host or at age 16 at least sort of a representative of her parents who were the hosts of this guest, and byou that age she should have or be really working on developing the social skills to show grace under fire in such situations.

What you have is fear. Fear of confrontation. Fear of people not liking you. Fear of people not thinking you are awesome. Fear of others not being comfortable.

You are more worried about how other people feel than how your kids feels. You are setting them up for disaster. Instead of patting yourself on the back so hard, reflect on why you need other people's approval so much that you would think it's ok to throw your own kid under the bus.

What the girl replied was spot on and as a parent the father in this case should have been saying the same right along with his DD. He should have had an angry reaction because what dad wants some grown man thinking about his teen DD's sex life or preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with the PP who posted the more appropriate alternatives. Setting boundaries for what you, personally, are willing to do or discuss is a good thing. However, it really isn't appropriate for a teenage child to be basically chastising or passing judgment on any non-dangerous behavior of an adult.

And if "speaking like boys" means being blunt, abrupt, presumptuous, and rude then I think we need to be teaching boys better manners, not teaching girls to live down to poor examples.

Eh? "Does your wife know you're interested in the sex lives of your friends' 16-year-old daughters, you skeevy old man?" would have been rude. What OP says she said, is not.

This exactly. If I were that age, I probably would have mumbled something, but this is what I would afterwards privately have WISHED I'd said. What a shit that man is.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps she could say "no, I'm not dating because I have all sorts of insecurities around it that stem from being raised by a misogynist."