Siblings who refuse to hire childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

This is so true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. They're in the area, or they are flown in?

Granparents (in laws) live 30 minutes from us (in DC area). Siblings live out of state. Grandparents get flown in to take care of siblings' kids out of state.

So they fly them in every time they need a night out? What?

They fly in to take care of the grandkids for weeks at a time......

This is an incredibly specific and unusual arrangement, OP. On the one hand, I can understand your frustration that you really needed help and couldn't get family to watch your kids. But on the other hand, it's not like your in laws just said "nah, we're watching the other grandkids this week," there was a flight booked and likely other arrangements already in play. The problem with emergencies is that they're not predictable; it was just bad luck that yours happened when the in laws were visiting their other grandkids.

This. It's not that the grandparents are just favoring one set of kids over the other--they are out of town. And this is such a strange, unusual setup.

That said, the strange expectation that some people have that grandparents are obligated to provide childcare is it's own beast. Yes, it's nice, and yes, my grandparents provided backup care (if I got sick and my mom couldn't stay home with me, a grandma would come, or when my mom was in the hospital, grandma watched up when dad was visiting), but a lot of people seem to expect grandparents to be regular babysitters, and get pissy if they don't want to. It's odd to me--they're not the hired help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. They're in the area, or they are flown in?

Granparents (in laws) live 30 minutes from us (in DC area). Siblings live out of state. Grandparents get flown in to take care of siblings' kids out of state.

So they fly them in every time they need a night out? What?

They fly in to take care of the grandkids for weeks at a time......

This is an incredibly specific and unusual arrangement, OP. On the one hand, I can understand your frustration that you really needed help and couldn't get family to watch your kids. But on the other hand, it's not like your in laws just said "nah, we're watching the other grandkids this week," there was a flight booked and likely other arrangements already in play. The problem with emergencies is that they're not predictable; it was just bad luck that yours happened when the in laws were visiting their other grandkids.

This. It's not that the grandparents are just favoring one set of kids over the other--they are out of town. And this is such a strange, unusual setup.

That said, the strange expectation that some people have that grandparents are obligated to provide childcare is it's own beast. Yes, it's nice, and yes, my grandparents provided backup care (if I got sick and my mom couldn't stay home with me, a grandma would come, or when my mom was in the hospital, grandma watched up when dad was visiting), but a lot of people seem to expect grandparents to be regular babysitters, and get pissy if they don't want to. It's odd to me--they're not the hired help.

i have met very few such people and they are certainly not common on DCUM. OP's frustration is with an occasional emergency and the other family using ILs as their regular childcare.

[Anonymous]

None of your business, OP. They are all adults and can do whatever they want. Good for you for not relying on them. We do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

This is so true.

Not in my case. My mother will move heaven and earth to help with my brother's kids because she is so desperate to please my SIL, who treats her horribly. She has no problem asking my mother to change her schedule around to accommodate her childcare needs but doesn't ever make an effort to spend time with my parents as a family. Yet she is always making plans with HER parents that don't involve them having to be babysitters. It's ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. They're in the area, or they are flown in?

Granparents (in laws) live 30 minutes from us (in DC area). Siblings live out of state. Grandparents get flown in to take care of siblings' kids out of state.

So they fly them in every time they need a night out? What?

They fly in to take care of the grandkids for weeks at a time......

This is an incredibly specific and unusual arrangement, OP. On the one hand, I can understand your frustration that you really needed help and couldn't get family to watch your kids. But on the other hand, it's not like your in laws just said "nah, we're watching the other grandkids this week," there was a flight booked and likely other arrangements already in play. The problem with emergencies is that they're not predictable; it was just bad luck that yours happened when the in laws were visiting their other grandkids.

This. It's not that the grandparents are just favoring one set of kids over the other--they are out of town. And this is such a strange, unusual setup.

That said, the strange expectation that some people have that grandparents are obligated to provide childcare is it's own beast. Yes, it's nice, and yes, my grandparents provided backup care (if I got sick and my mom couldn't stay home with me, a grandma would come, or when my mom was in the hospital, grandma watched up when dad was visiting), but a lot of people seem to expect grandparents to be regular babysitters, and get pissy if they don't want to. It's odd to me--they're not the hired help.

i have met very few such people and they are certainly not common on DCUM. OP's frustration is with an occasional emergency and the other family using ILs as their regular childcare.

This. OP is annoyed because the other family members are treating the grandparents like hired help and aren't more independent. It is annoying when you have an emergency and the systems aren't theire because they've been flown out to be regular childcare providers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happens to us. My B/SIL (who I otherwise love and think are wonderful) use my M/FIL for daycare for their youngest child and sitting for all 3 kids --and have done so for the past 9 years. I think it's pretty egregious. the ILs are in their 80s and not well. They of course say yes, but I think it's obnoxious. They say they don't have $$ for daycare (but had 3 kids). It also means that the few times per year we ask for an evening of childcare or a sleepover, we can't because they are always booked.

Exactly! I wouldn't expect grandparents at their age to be the primary source of childcare because of their age, but it would be nice to have some back up for emergencies (when our plans A and B fail).

OMG are you me?! My B/SIL do the same thing, but it's Mon-Fri and my MIL believes it's their duty to take care of their grandchildren. I think my FIL feels trapped that he can't really retire-- went from retirement to taking care of little kids all week long, 8 hours a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This as usual has gotten derailed. It's normal family behavior to expect that during a legitimate emergency that family members would try to help. As I mentioned, we make arrangments for childcare and even have a back up--like any grown adult should. All I was saying is that we had two emergencies that required hospitalizations (complex at that), and because other members of our family couldn't paln child care independently, our only other source to rely on (i.e. family) couldn't be, because our siblings refuse to even entertain hiring childcare.

Did we get through it? yes. Will I move forward? Yes. I am just raning. THat is all. the end.

It is not normal family behavior to be angry because your parents happened to be out of town when your child was hospitalized.

The first time my kid was hospitalized, my mother was at the beach, the second time she was on bike trip on the Rhine. In both cases, by the time she got home the crisis has mostly passed. It didn't occur to me to have a tantrum about how I didn't get her support. I just realized that the timing was unlucky. If she had been visiting her other grandchildren it wouldn't have been any different.

Similarly, my son loves my mother, and my mother loves having him with her. If I accept her offer to watch him so I can go to a wedding out of town, I shouldn't feel guilty because something came up while I was gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

Let me guess - you have girls.


I've noticed nothing of the sort. I do think older grandchildren are often favored.

DP. I think the daughter's kids are often favored. Probably because women are generally better at maintaining ties and often speak with their own parents much more than the ILs. My mom says it is very different with my kids (who she basically has free access to) compared to my brother's kids (who she doesn't see/talk to as much). I talk to my mom every day, and thus my kids usually do, too. She does not talk to brother or SIL that much. Her friends all report the same thing.

I think it's also because women tend on average to be more likely to be the primary caretakers and can thus organize trips to the zoo during a week day ,for example.

My SIL is unhealthily enmeshed with her mom and I'm not with mine so my mother doesn't play the same role with my kids as my MIL plays with my SIL's kids.

When my MIL totally overstepped boundaries when my LO was a baby I stepped away pretty hard. She wanted more intimacy with me than I have with my own mother and I didn't like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

This is so true.

Not in my case. My mother will move heaven and earth to help with my brother's kids because she is so desperate to please my SIL, who treats her horribly. She has no problem asking my mother to change her schedule around to accommodate her childcare needs but doesn't ever make an effort to spend time with my parents as a family. Yet she is always making plans with HER parents that don't involve them having to be babysitters. It's ridiculous!

The same might be said about me as a DIL. I wonder how does she treat them horribly? Maybe she just doesn't like your parents but wants them to have a relationship with their kids. My MIL has really offended me on too many occasions and as a result I have backed off having my own relationship with her, 1:1, as it's clear it was never going to be healthy for me. At the same time I think my children (and she) deserve a bond and so babysitting is the only time they can hang out together and I don't have to be there. I also make plans with my parents that don't involve them being babysitters because I enjoy spending time with my parents.

Also, why is it always the woman who is the bad one? Is it really your SIL or is it your SIL/BIL and you just assume it's that "she" has no problem asking your mother to change her schedule?

[Anonymous]

I don't see any issues with not wanting to hire outside help. We paid ILs until preschool. Never hired a babysitter. I took off work several times for my friend's emergency or when my ILs couldn't do it. If you are comfortable with hiring people then good for you. Accept that not everyone is like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any issues with not wanting to hire outside help. We paid ILs until preschool. Never hired a babysitter. I took off work several times for my friend's emergency or when my ILs couldn't do it. If you are comfortable with hiring people then good for you. Accept that not everyone is like you.

in this case, the other family is hoarding the grandparents. i would be angry, too. sure they can do whatever they want to do, just like a parent is allowed to love one child more than the other. doesn't mean the other child is not supposed to have an opinion about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any issues with not wanting to hire outside help. We paid ILs until preschool. Never hired a babysitter. I took off work several times for my friend's emergency or when my ILs couldn't do it. If you are comfortable with hiring people then good for you. Accept that not everyone is like you.

in this case, the other family is hoarding the grandparents. i would be angry, too. sure they can do whatever they want to do, just like a parent is allowed to love one child more than the other. doesn't mean the other child is not supposed to have an opinion about it.

OP’s parents are not things. Asking your parents to visit the grandparents is not hoarding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any issues with not wanting to hire outside help. We paid ILs until preschool. Never hired a babysitter. I took off work several times for my friend's emergency or when my ILs couldn't do it. If you are comfortable with hiring people then good for you. Accept that not everyone is like you.

in this case, the other family is hoarding the grandparents. i would be angry, too. sure they can do whatever they want to do, just like a parent is allowed to love one child more than the other. doesn't mean the other child is not supposed to have an opinion about it.

OP’s parents are not things. Asking your parents to visit the grandparents is not hoarding.

thanks for your useless pedantic contribution. every sane person gets upset when parental resources are distributed extremely unequally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see any issues with not wanting to hire outside help. We paid ILs until preschool. Never hired a babysitter. I took off work several times for my friend's emergency or when my ILs couldn't do it. If you are comfortable with hiring people then good for you. Accept that not everyone is like you.

in this case, the other family is hoarding the grandparents. i would be angry, too. sure they can do whatever they want to do, just like a parent is allowed to love one child more than the other. doesn't mean the other child is not supposed to have an opinion about it.

OP’s parents are not things. Asking your parents to visit the grandparents is not hoarding.

thanks for your useless pedantic contribution. every sane person gets upset when parental resources are distributed extremely unequally.

No, every sane person doesn't get upset. Why waste your time being upset? It is what it is. Move on.