Siblings who refuse to hire childcare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's frustrating. I'm in a similar position and have recognized that the grandparents just aren't a good backup plan because they odds of them actually being available aren't great. It's nice when they are, but they are NOT my go to backup plan.

It sucks to pay for regular childcare and backup care when your sibling gets it for free, but at least in my case, there's no point in wasting any energy on being frustrated so I just let it go.

Since when did grandparents start getting treated like the hired help? So much entitlement on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it's frustrating. I'm in a similar position and have recognized that the grandparents just aren't a good backup plan because they odds of them actually being available aren't great. It's nice when they are, but they are NOT my go to backup plan.

It sucks to pay for regular childcare and backup care when your sibling gets it for free, but at least in my case, there's no point in wasting any energy on being frustrated so I just let it go.

Since when did grandparents start getting treated like the hired help? So much entitlement on this thread.

but isn't it actually OP's BIL family who treats their grandparents that way?

it's kind of weird to criticize op for complaining where it's the other family who apparently gets everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused. They're in the area, or they are flown in?

Granparents (in laws) live 30 minutes from us (in DC area). Siblings live out of state. Grandparents get flown in to take care of siblings' kids out of state.

So they fly them in every time they need a night out? What?

They fly in to take care of the grandkids for weeks at a time......

This is an incredibly specific and unusual arrangement, OP. On the one hand, I can understand your frustration that you really needed help and couldn't get family to watch your kids. But on the other hand, it's not like your in laws just said "nah, we're watching the other grandkids this week," there was a flight booked and likely other arrangements already in play. The problem with emergencies is that they're not predictable; it was just bad luck that yours happened when the in laws were visiting their other grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

Let me guess - you have girls.

I've noticed nothing of the sort. I do think older grandchildren are often favored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

Let me guess - you have girls.

I've noticed nothing of the sort. I do think older grandchildren are often favored.

No I have a girl and a boy. And they're the oldest grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You make it sound as if you are somehow entitled to the grandparents' help because you've done your due diligence. It's perfectly fine for your siblings to have a different arrangement than yours!

And, if there really was an emergency, I'm sure they, or someone else, would help out.

My tween called 911 when he came home and found me passed out on the rug, then got himself and his little sibling to the neighbor's house when the ambulance left.

WE have had two hospitalizations. ILs couldn't fly in to help.

We have had multiple hospitalizations of our children when they were young and no grandparents came. Why do you think they would? DH and I took turns and handled it ourselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You make it sound as if you are somehow entitled to the grandparents' help because you've done your due diligence. It's perfectly fine for your siblings to have a different arrangement than yours!

And, if there really was an emergency, I'm sure they, or someone else, would help out.

My tween called 911 when he came home and found me passed out on the rug, then got himself and his little sibling to the neighbor's house when the ambulance left.

WE have had two hospitalizations. ILs couldn't fly in to help.

We have had multiple hospitalizations of our children when they were young and no grandparents came. Why do you think they would? DH and I took turns and handled it ourselves.

NP. I was the one upthread who was hospitalized and my local ILs couldn't help. Yes my friends can help with my toddlers, but my husband is overseas and my parents can't always get plane tickets that land super quickly. A little IL help would be great sometimes or even a little acknowledgement. I'm 9 months pregnant now and am hoping this baby stays in until DH returns and my parents can come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You make it sound as if you are somehow entitled to the grandparents' help because you've done your due diligence. It's perfectly fine for your siblings to have a different arrangement than yours!

And, if there really was an emergency, I'm sure they, or someone else, would help out.

My tween called 911 when he came home and found me passed out on the rug, then got himself and his little sibling to the neighbor's house when the ambulance left.

WE have had two hospitalizations. ILs couldn't fly in to help.

We have had multiple hospitalizations of our children when they were young and no grandparents came. Why do you think they would? DH and I took turns and handled it ourselves.

NP here -- but as they are providing care for some grandchildren, they clearly are willing to perform child care. That's why. And because it's the kind thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

Let me guess - you have girls.


I've noticed nothing of the sort. I do think older grandchildren are often favored.

DP. I think the daughter's kids are often favored. Probably because women are generally better at maintaining ties and often speak with their own parents much more than the ILs. My mom says it is very different with my kids (who she basically has free access to) compared to my brother's kids (who she doesn't see/talk to as much). I talk to my mom every day, and thus my kids usually do, too. She does not talk to brother or SIL that much. Her friends all report the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You make it sound as if you are somehow entitled to the grandparents' help because you've done your due diligence. It's perfectly fine for your siblings to have a different arrangement than yours!

And, if there really was an emergency, I'm sure they, or someone else, would help out.

My tween called 911 when he came home and found me passed out on the rug, then got himself and his little sibling to the neighbor's house when the ambulance left.

WE have had two hospitalizations. ILs couldn't fly in to help.

We have had multiple hospitalizations of our children when they were young and no grandparents came. Why do you think they would? DH and I took turns and handled it ourselves.

My parents come immediately if someone is hospitalized. That seems pretty normal family behavior to me. But I know DCUM is crazy land where everyone has weird, formal relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You make it sound as if you are somehow entitled to the grandparents' help because you've done your due diligence. It's perfectly fine for your siblings to have a different arrangement than yours!

And, if there really was an emergency, I'm sure they, or someone else, would help out.

My tween called 911 when he came home and found me passed out on the rug, then got himself and his little sibling to the neighbor's house when the ambulance left.

WE have had two hospitalizations. ILs couldn't fly in to help.

We have had multiple hospitalizations of our children when they were young and no grandparents came. Why do you think they would? DH and I took turns and handled it ourselves.

My parents come immediately if someone is hospitalized. That seems pretty normal family behavior to me. But I know DCUM is crazy land where everyone has weird, formal relationships.

+1
no one except children under 18 is allowed to expect anything from anyone, ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might be an inlaw thing/children of my son thing. We too have had 2 hospitalizations where my parents hopped on a plane to help us. My local inlaws did not because it was me who needed help and not my DH (DH is overseas). They think that my parents should help my family when I need help and they should help if DH ever needed help. DH has never needed help though as he's always gone.

What? I have two sons and I hope I am never this crazy when they are adults.

Do you have a daughter too? Parents with both a son and a daughter always favor the daughter's kids. Parents with two sons seem to not favor the same way and are more equal. Just something my friends and I have noticed.

Yep, and then those same grandparents post here all upset, wondering why their daughter in law keeps them at an arm's length.

[Anonymous]

This as usual has gotten derailed. It's normal family behavior to expect that during a legitimate emergency that family members would try to help. As I mentioned, we make arrangments for childcare and even have a back up--like any grown adult should. All I was saying is that we had two emergencies that required hospitalizations (complex at that), and because other members of our family couldn't paln child care independently, our only other source to rely on (i.e. family) couldn't be, because our siblings refuse to even entertain hiring childcare.

Did we get through it? yes. Will I move forward? Yes. I am just raning. THat is all. the end.