So Tired of Negotiating Everything

[Anonymous]

This is about control and not negotiation or compromise. He wants to control your decisions purely to know that he can.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It sounds like I'm not completely alone and that just refusing to debate the small stuff is a perfectly legitimate coping mechanism. Thank you! To all of you who said "death by a thousand paper cuts, YES! Exactly!

Someone asked whether DH's family was controlling. They were not. If anything, my parents were the controlling ones. DH has said to me that one way he "receives" love is someone taking the time to convince him of something. I kind of see his point of view, but only if I want to convince him to do something with me. Big things like where to live, car, children (how many and when), how much vacation to spend with family, sure. We need to be on the same page. I just can't do it on the small things.

[Anonymous]

In my family, a decision gets made and then there's a round of second-guessing.

"Shall we see movie X or movie Y?"
"I don't know, movie X has Celebrity A in it and I like Celebrity A."
"But the reviews suck. Let's see movie Y."
"Really? OK, movie Y seems more interesting anyway."
"Great, movie Y it is."

... (five minutes later)

"You know, movie Z is also playing."

[Anonymous]

Are you splitting a single income? If not - one joint account for housing expenses and then buy whatever you want with a $500 maximum per purchase before discussing.

[Anonymous]

I LOVE THIS THREAD! All my friends have husbands who couldn't care less about anything (which has it's own set of problems), and I get stuck feeling like I'm the only one who has a husband who quite literally has an opinion about every single thing, and it's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It sounds like I'm not completely alone and that just refusing to debate the small stuff is a perfectly legitimate coping mechanism. Thank you! To all of you who said "death by a thousand paper cuts, YES! Exactly!

Someone asked whether DH's family was controlling. They were not. If anything, my parents were the controlling ones. DH has said to me that one way he "receives" love is someone taking the time to convince him of something. I kind of see his point of view, but only if I want to convince him to do something with me. Big things like where to live, car, children (how many and when), how much vacation to spend with family, sure. We need to be on the same page. I just can't do it on the small things.

Do you not see how you are half of the problem? Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, is there is a big issue in your marriage that creating a power issue? Like one of you makes or has a lot more money than the other, or has more education or comes from a more well-off family?

If no, then did one or both of you come from controlling families? I had somewhat controlling parents and I realize that some times I'll try to talk someone out of something they want because it's not something I would do, and I then I realize that wanting X is really not a big deal and that they are allowed to "want" what they want.

No OP, but this is how my husband is. I don't think he really even realizes he is picking an argument with his spouse over something so stupid. It's just sort of his way of talking.
If I say something like "I am allowed to start th coffee before I get in the shower, you don't drink coffee anyway, and it does not affect you," then he will stop. But if I start getting into a discussion about why I want my coffee ready when I get out of the shower, he can go on and on back and forth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd learned decades ago to just go ahead and make the decisions for him. It's an anxiety thing to continually question your options and second-guess choices. I think we as women are conditioned to be easygoing, defer, etc., and what my husband really needed all along was someone to have a backbone when he gets this way. I no longer involve him in decisions that would bring on the analysis paralysis (obviously excluding things like buying houses) and if he has a problem with a choice I've made he deals with it.

OMG, you just perfectly described my DH condition: analysis paralysis! Genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It sounds like I'm not completely alone and that just refusing to debate the small stuff is a perfectly legitimate coping mechanism. Thank you! To all of you who said "death by a thousand paper cuts, YES! Exactly!

Someone asked whether DH's family was controlling. They were not. If anything, my parents were the controlling ones. DH has said to me that one way he "receives" love is someone taking the time to convince him of something. I kind of see his point of view, but only if I want to convince him to do something with me. Big things like where to live, car, children (how many and when), how much vacation to spend with family, sure. We need to be on the same page. I just can't do it on the small things.

OMG, this makes me want to scream. WTF.

[Anonymous]

I think it can be about competition, even if the men don't realize it, they are, at some level, in a competition of ideas and engaging in the negotiations is part of the contest.


It's absolutely, completely 100% MADDENING!

[Anonymous]

Are you equal earners? Is there underlying resentment about money that isn't really about the extra few bucks at Subway

[Anonymous]

We don’t bother negotiating the little stuff. Everyone gets their way. I really don’t like chocolate ice cream, dh doesn’t like any other kind. I always buy chocolate and the kinds I like. If he eats his pint faster than I eat mine (he can in one sitting and I’ll stretch mine for a week) that’s too bad and we are not getting more ice cream for a bit. But I’ll nevwr get just the kind I like since that wouldn’t be nice to him.
We do negotiate, discuss and argue over big stuff like money and vacations and child rearing and come to some sort of joint decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I'd learned decades ago to just go ahead and make the decisions for him. It's an anxiety thing to continually question your options and second-guess choices. I think we as women are conditioned to be easygoing, defer, etc., and what my husband really needed all along was someone to have a backbone when he gets this way. I no longer involve him in decisions that would bring on the analysis paralysis (obviously excluding things like buying houses) and if he has a problem with a choice I've made he deals with it.

OMG, you just perfectly described my DH condition: analysis paralysis! Genius.

My DH has a certified anxiety disorder. Even with medication, the continuous second guessing plus control issues due to the anxiety is driving me nutso! Contemplating divorce. It is only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell him that sharing a foot long sub was fine so long as it was what you wanted to eat. He wants to chintz on sandwich he can have what you're ordering.

[Anonymous]

My husband is like this to an insane degree. It's become a significant issue for me, sadly, because it's increasing my anxiety and draining me emotionally. It's not just about sandwiches. It's about major issues where one aspect, usually financial, takes on such an importance that he completely neglects other aspects, and because of that, makes the wrong decision, because he can't see the forest for the trees.

I am in the throes of such a situation now. It's not pretty.