So Tired of Negotiating Everything

[Anonymous]

Has anyone else been there done that? Have you found a way to stop negotiating mundane things without either becoming a complete doormat (and just doing what your partner wants to avoid conflict), or not caring at all about your partner's preferences? Here is an example of a negotiation I can't believe we're still having after 10 years of marriage and 3 kids.

We go to subway occasionally. I like turkey. DH likes ham. A foot long is cheaper than two six inch sandwiches.
DH: Would you like to split a footlong?
Me: Well, what sounds good to you?
DH: I was thinking about the ham.
Me: I think I'd prefer turkey tonight.
DH: But the ham footlong is less expensive than the turkey footlong.
ME: I'd still prefer the turkey. Let's just get separate sandwiches.
DH: But that isn't the best value.
This is a freaking sandwich! Why do we have this conversation! If this type of thing happened only at subway I'm sure I'd laugh about it. This is just one of so many negotiations I have every single day over the most mundane and insignificant details of life. If we're grocery shopping together and I grab a package of pasta, its "are you sure you want that one? What about this one?"

We don't talk about bigger picture things. For my part, I am so exhausted with the small negotiations I don't have the energy negotiate something bigger like a 5 year plan. When we plan vacations I've just drawn lines in the sand and decided not to care what DH thinks (easier said than done). For example, we will have a rental car if we are somewhere without good public transit (I'll find and book). We will stay in hotels (I'll find and book). We will eat food I consider healthy. DH plans the activities.

[Anonymous]

It sounds tiring. But also sounds like you have strategies for figuring ways around this for some things.

Can I suggest:

DH: Would you like to split a footlong?
Me: No thank you.

[Anonymous]

This is you. Just say no upfront. Sounds like you know how things are going to go down .... and you don't want the ham. Why all him what sounds good to him if you already know you want turkey?

This obviously isn't just about ham, but instead of being honest (I'lll share if you want turkey) you pretend to be flexible (what do you want) then get inflexible (I don't want that, I already know I want this).

Why not say up front what your really want?

[Anonymous]

I fell into that same pattern - thought I was doing the reasonable thing to keep the peace while juggling work, caring for children and elderly parents. Thought was reasonable to try to keep a warm family home up and running, even though I was exhausted doing it all. If I had a different idea about anything, it was met with derision, and I was told I was arguing. I don’t think he realized this; sort of self-absorbed. Men in general I think learn to argue for their perspective, and that turned into long lectures when I tried to start a conversation about anything. He did not ask me my opinion about anything, and I came to realize that he assumed he was always right anyway. After a long marriage, I am living by myself and very happy with that - nothing official to end the marriage, I just don’t live in the same place he does. I can build my own life now, and do what I would like to do instead of bowing to his preferences. My self esteem is much better. I became a doormat, and he liked that - looking back I realize I morphed in to his mother - running the house, solving problems, cleaning, etc. I’d recommend you stand up for yourself - don’t have to argue, but just be clear what you want, don’t always cede to his preferences. I always put his well being first, and that encouraged him to think he was the only one who mattered. Otherwise this will get progressively worse and you will lose your identify, will just exist to make his life better with nothing there for you.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PP.

[Anonymous]

FYI: You can tell the subway sandwich maker to make your footlong half turkey and half ham.

Even for small and inconsequential things, there has to be a certain degree of compromise. Whatever it is, it has work for both people most of the time or it becomes a "death by a thousand cuts" type situation. In the subway situation, you two want different sandwiches so the only logical solution is to get two different sandwiches.

To continue your conversation:

You: That's too bad but we want different sandwiches. Let's not argue over spending an extra 2(?) dollars. I think we afford it.

You: Get on line and order.

[Anonymous]

Marriage really is just such a horror

[Anonymous]

Who the hell can eat six inches long of a sandwich? I mean, maybe you're both grumpy because you're eating too much.

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds cheap. He can't put out 25 cents more on a Subway sub? That's the real issue here. He's obsessed with "best value."

[Anonymous]

Why does he ask you if all he cares about is the price?

[Anonymous]

You go to Subway?!?! That’s problem no 1.

[Anonymous]

Single life can be the happy life.

[Anonymous]

I understand, OP. It’s exhausting. I haven’t found a solution yet. My “favorite “ is when he’s on his way home and calls to see if we need anything but any time I say yes, he explains why we don’t really need that or don’t really need it that day. Just. Don’t. Ask. Then. There’s a disingenuous aspect to all of it. Same thing with going out to eat: him “ where do you want to eat?” Me “I’d like to try that new place/get something healthy” him: “ how about [insert his favorite place where we eat all the time and I don’t like ] .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who the hell can eat six inches long of a sandwich? I mean, maybe you're both grumpy because you're eating too much.

Ah, DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI: You can tell the subway sandwich maker to make your footlong half turkey and half ham.

Even for small and inconsequential things, there has to be a certain degree of compromise. Whatever it is, it has work for both people most of the time or it becomes a "death by a thousand cuts" type situation. In the subway situation, you two want different sandwiches so the only logical solution is to get two different sandwiches.

To continue your conversation:

You: That's too bad but we want different sandwiches. Let's not argue over spending an extra 2(?) dollars. I think we afford it.

You: Get on line and order.

This. I'm a dude. Sometimes, I'm selfish, and don't take the time or energy to see it from my partner's perspective. Part of the negotiation is prioritizing comparative importance of the factors involved. You getting the kind of sandwich you want is more important than him saving $1. It might not be more important than saving $100, but I don't know of any sandwiches priced that high.