So Tired of Negotiating Everything

[Anonymous]

OP, I recommend that you read some of the books on gender communications styles. I recommend Deborah Tannen's books "That's Not What I Meant" or "You Just Don't Understand". Dr. John Gray's book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" is also good.

The problem is one of communication style and modes. Men and women often have different conversational cues. In general, men don't discuss things except to present a problem and find a solution. If the solution is known, then there is no point in opening and discussion about the topic. Going back to your example from Subway, when you have this exchange:

DH: Would you like to split a footlong?
Me: Well, what sounds good to you?

Your response says that you are interested in negotiating to get a footlong sandwich. Since you already know that he is going to want to share the cheapest sandwich which is a ham sandwich, then when you counter with your response, you are saying that you are open to negotiating. So, he suggests ham. You prefer turkey. From your first response, he knows that you are negotiating, so he presents his next argument for splitting a ham sandwich, e.g. saving money.

If you don't want this negotiation to keep recurring, you need to give him different conversation cues. You have two options:

Option one is to decline the conversation. As another PP pointed out, you can respond:

DH: Would you like to split a footlong?
Me: No thank you.

This says that you've made up your mind and are not negotiating. So, he has to pick his own meal.

Option two is to state your final position and he can work around that or not.

DH: Would you like to split a footlong?
Me: I'm getting turkey, are you interested in splitting a footlong turkey?

Here, you tell him what you want and he can agree to turkey and split a footlong or choose something else.

In both cases, you've conveyed that you are not negotiating and he can opt how to respond.

The books I referenced talk about gender based conversational cues and modes. While there are exceptions to these patterns and conversational styles, these are the most common communication issues between men and women and are the most likely to help when men and women have trouble communication like you (as a couple) do. It was eye opening for me many years ago and learning how the other gender commonly thinks, has helped me to be a better spouse and how to give conversation cues that convey what I want in a way my partner can understand. We've also discussed our own personal conversational cues and we both understand better how to communicate better with each other.

[Anonymous]

Divorced, not just because of this, but ex relished being oppositional. Testosterone?