Reply to DW work is impacting our marriage - looking for advice from the smart people of DCUM

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So out of curiousity, OP, those years she SAH, how present were you in day to day life, especially since you were “allowed to put all your energy into work”?[/quote]

NP here.  I don't think this is a fair comparison.  When he was working on his career and she was supporting his, she was a SAHM, e.g. she had one job.  Now, when she is working and he is supporting her, he is still working full-time and taking care of the household, the standard WOHP problem.  He's working two jobs.

Their earlier situation was one WOHP and one SAHP.  The current situation is two WOHP.  In most of the homes that I know with two WOHP, the work is split somewhere between 50-50 and 75-25.  However, he is saying that in their double income household the split is 90-10.  Yes, I've read enough DCUM to know that there are many households with two WOHP and the DW is doing 90-100% of the household work.  But in those households, the DH is at least making 75+% of the income.  Here DH is making 80% of the income and doing 90% of the household work.  If she had a higher income, this type of WOH job could be seen as supporting their lifestyle, but it isn't.  She's working long hours, late nights, weekends and only making 20% of the household income.

Something has to give.  She needs to contribute more to the household in time or money.  If she is going to work these types of hours, she needs to get a higher paying job.  If she isn't going to get a higher paying job, she needs to work fewer hours.

The right way to frame this is that you need more of a commitment from her to the family in time.  She needs to be home for dinner at least twice a week.  And she needs to spend at least 4 hours on the weekend with the family, preferably in one period (not littler periods of 30-60 minutes scattered throughout the weekend around whatever work she is doing).

As for the intimacy, I think you need to rebuild your relationship before you get to that.  Frankly, strong relationships require work.  You need to put time into getting to know (or renewing your knowledge) of the person and show signs of love and caring for the person.  If you don't, then you are cohabitating with a FWB.  That may be fine for the physical aspects of the relationship, but it doesn't do much for the family.  Those types of relationships where the couple have nothing left but the sex end up divorcing as soon as the last child fledges and flies the coop.  You even mention that you barely spend any time talking.  You're drifting apart with her drifting more and more into work and away from you and the kids.  You need to renew your friendship and then improve your physical relationship.  If you don't, then be prepared to find that are just FWB cohabitating.[/quote]

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