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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am at wits end over this.

DW likes to pretend everything is find, and make everything look like it is perfect at home.  But, sometimes it is not.  And there are time/places when it is ok to let people into our chaos (in my opinion).

Our DD is in crisis.  Cutting and a half-hearted suicide attempt recently.  We are getting her the help.  First, DW did not want to inform anyone at the school what was going on.  Eventually. we agreed that we would talk to her counselor now, and teachers on a need to know basis.  But, when the need pops up, she does not want to explain why our child is having troubles while asking for compassion.  I had written a long email to one of her teachers (who needed to know something is going on) outlining that DD is in crisis, the duration of the crisis, and how we are trying to help her -- 3 days a weak in an intensive program where she does not get home until 8 PM.  And what I was asking from the teacher was not for a change in grade, but to look at the body of work (and not just the test scores) in assigning next year's class.  DW accuses me of over sharing then gets angry and shuts down.

But, the worst happens at family night in the intensive program.  We are in a group setting.  Everyone there has a kid in some degree of crisis.  I am talking, referring to our child's cutting and she says people do not need to know it.  Well, it is relevant.

Our life is not unicorns and rainbows.  It is ok to admit it.  [/quote]

Two things:

1) Like the PP says, denial is a very real thing for parents with children who are struggling with mental health problems. Doesn't make what your wife is doing okay and definitely shows your daughter that at least your wife prefers to hide the problem than ask for help, but it isn't just her - a lot of parents do this.

2) To an extent, oversharing details of what your family is going through may not be helpful for your DD in the long run. Working with the school to support your daughter so that she doesn't miss too much work is great. Sharing in group is great. Sharing outside therapeutic settings and to people who aren't in a position to help your child opens you to the possibility of looky-loos who just want to enjoy the drama. If I had to guess, I would imagine that your wife believes that your daughter will recover from her current crisis and have "a normal life" and does not want to jeopardize that by sharing the extent of the crisis. Again. Not saying that she's in the right, but it helps me to put these things in a more sympathetic context.

3) You are doing the right stuff. Mental health problems are exhausting and terrifying. Keep going to counseling. Make sure your wife keeps going to counseling. Bring up her refusal to address the situation in counseling and try to figure out what is motivating her to be so obstructive. [/quote]

Families of kids with significant illnesses need support too. Op needs to be able to access his own support from family and friends. his daughter is in crisis and in treatment. He should be expected to act like everything is perfect outside of group and counseling. It is also his life impacted and having supports around will be what helps him continue to cope and manage during this. If a kid is in hospital / crisis for a physical issue - people rally and support and bring food and help with other kids and drive and offer all kinds of support. Parents need no less support during a mental health crisis.[/quote]

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