Reply to Stay after spouse cheats

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If I was having frequent sex with my spouse and he cheated I'd kick him out. If I chose not to have frequent sex and he cheated I'd have to look in the mirror and ask where am I and where am I going. [/quote]

Sure you would.

What is with the influx of posters blaming the non-cheating spouse? It's always been a thing on DCUM but it's insane lately. Did you all miss the day in preschool when you were taught two wrongs don't make a right? I don't really care that your spouse isn't having sex with you (or whatever your excuse), that does not give you a free pass. It gives you the right to talk to them about it, or ask for an open marriage, or pursue a separation, but you do not get to unilaterally decide you're going to have sex with another person. And please, please stop lying to yourselves that your spouse is gleefully withholding sex as a hobby to torture you, and that they don't have a reason. You can't really be that stupid.[/quote]
Where are all these posts blaming OP? What has been stated (correctly, and by multiple different posters) is that his and her actions are [u]comparably wrong[/u], and that him going elsewhere is a 100% predictable outcome. Should he have mentioned the fact that she (by withholding sex) had opened their marriage? Yes. Likewise, she should have mentioned that she would not be participating in the sex part of marriage anymore. Her decision was just as unilateral as his, both took negative action without a free pass or seeking agreement. Neither is right, both are equally wrong.

I would call it pretty stupid to portray his actions as any "more wrong" than hers. If him going elsewhere is an unforgivable affront to the marriage, so is her withdrawal from their sexual relations, and she should have immediately divorced him upon deciding she was done with sex. Or, if you think she was fine to continue being married despite having no desire for sex, then he was equally fine to stay married while having sex elsewhere. Whether or not she was gleeful while not caring about her spouse's important and legitimate needs is irrelevant.[/quote]

I disagree with so much of this. The first part being the OP claims she does/is willing to have sex, so your argument about him being excused to cheat is invalid. And it DOES make a difference about the reason why a spouse may be withholding sex on purpose - is the spouse withholding sex because the other spouse is rude/verbally abusive/has poor hygiene/etc? That is much different than playing a game to manipulate your spouse or withholding it just for fun. And I would say it could be "more wrong" to go outside the marriage if the cheater has not communicated with their spouse or attempted to get sex at home. You make it seem like if a spouse goes to bed early with a headache, the other is free to walk outside and have sex with the first person they encounter on the street. Sorry, you don't get to do that. You made some vows. If you haven't attempted to identify the reason WHY your spouse won't have sex with you, no you don't get to place the blame on them and get your free pass. If you have and the issue is unresolveable, that's when you can explore your options. The "withholding" spouse doesn't have to say anything - their behavior is the notification, that's pretty obvious.

Also, intent is a real thing - that's why intent matters if you're on trial for murder. Obviously it's important. [/quote]

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