SIL sucking up to my Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn’t able to work, she hasn’t been working for years so it’s a struggle for my dad to support both of them financially on top of her medical bills. My brother used to pay a lot of their utilities prior to marriage when he wasn’t deployed overseas and lived with them.

I just feel like he got married and everything he helped our parents with went to the wayside and he doesn’t even try anymore.

Interesting: So he paid bills when he a) was living with them and therefore was obligated to chip in and b) he was deployed as a single person and therefore had both extra income and fewer expenses.

Your helping with care taking given she babysits makes sense.

Granted, BIL could surely help too, but this isn’t as bad as you say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn’t able to work, she hasn’t been working for years so it’s a struggle for my dad to support both of them financially on top of her medical bills. My brother used to pay a lot of their utilities prior to marriage when he wasn’t deployed overseas and lived with them.

I just feel like he got married and everything he helped our parents with went to the wayside and he doesn’t even try anymore.

Wait, your dad is around too? She sounded like an elderly widow in your op. How old are your parents? How old is your brother?

Brother is 36. Father is 62, my mom is 58. SIL is 29.

My parents went through some financial challenges when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40s. She’s been in remission for 6+ years now but she wants to spend as much time with her grandchildren, hence why she offers childcare. I would pay them if I could, but I’m not in a position financially. My brother really helped with some of that burden and was there for my mom all the years she was sick, but now all support has stopped even though the need is still there. My mom has nerve pain and had a stroke during treatment so she’s not 100%.

It’s a very hard place for our family to be. My SIL is going back to school for her masters in nursing, which frustrates me because she’s a NURSE but can’t offer to do any caregiving for her own MIL when she’s sick?

If your brother did a lot of care taking help for years as you say, he is in no way a slacker.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband receives SSI, he’s a disabled vet with PTSD. He was not disabled while on active duty. His income is minimal and I would feel horrible taking him to court. He’s currently living at home with his parents, who also help out with childcare when my own mother is sick. If my ex is ever able to work again he will help me financially, he’s just not in a space to be able to do so now.

My brother really stepped up in the past, and I just wish he and my SIL would do so now. Our parents could use the support - financially and emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband receives SSI, he’s a disabled vet with PTSD. He was not disabled while on active duty. His income is minimal and I would feel horrible taking him to court. He’s currently living at home with his parents, who also help out with childcare when my own mother is sick. If my ex is ever able to work again he will help me financially, he’s just not in a space to be able to do so now.

My brother really stepped up in the past, and I just wish he and my SIL would do so now. Our parents could use the support - financially and emotionally.

So, the reason you don't want to collect support for your children is because you don't want to ask your ex for it. you have no problem asking your disabled mother for childcare, and no problem asking your ex's parents. Is there some reason your ex can't provided your childcare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband receives SSI, he’s a disabled vet with PTSD. He was not disabled while on active duty. His income is minimal and I would feel horrible taking him to court. He’s currently living at home with his parents, who also help out with childcare when my own mother is sick. If my ex is ever able to work again he will help me financially, he’s just not in a space to be able to do so now.

My brother really stepped up in the past, and I just wish he and my SIL would do so now. Our parents could use the support - financially and emotionally.

Why TF are you giving your ex a pass, while counting your brother’s money? You’re tacky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband receives SSI, he’s a disabled vet with PTSD. He was not disabled while on active duty. His income is minimal and I would feel horrible taking him to court. He’s currently living at home with his parents, who also help out with childcare when my own mother is sick. If my ex is ever able to work again he will help me financially, he’s just not in a space to be able to do so now.

My brother really stepped up in the past, and I just wish he and my SIL would do so now. Our parents could use the support - financially and emotionally.

It sounds like your brother has done a lot of stepping up in the past, the rest of you sound like a bit of a mess.

While it’s no one’s fault your mother got sick and I feel bad for your ex-husband and his PTSD, you cannot expect your brother to forever pick up the slack and support you all. You sound resentful that he and his wife have a better financial situation, but as you mentioned, he has helped out in the past, and it’s not his job to take on you and your parents’ problems as his own.

I also think he and SIL assume you help out your parents with grocery shopping and cleaning because they provide you with childcare for free, which seems like an equitable exchange, and does not involve either of them in any way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a very hard place for our family to be. My SIL is going back to school for her masters in nursing, which frustrates me because she’s a NURSE but can’t offer to do any caregiving for her own MIL when she’s sick?

Have you asked her to? Maybe she's the type of DIL who thinks she needs to stay in her lane and not butt into her husband's family too much. She may observe the close relationship you have with your mother and think you will be jealous or bitter if she tries to help, that you would find the help intrusive. She could think that taking care of your mother is your territory and doesn't want to impose on that dynamic. This could all just be miscommunication. Ask for her help, she might not know her help is welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should ask your brother to help out. That's on him, not your SIL. If he can't contribute financially anymore, then ask him to share the caretaking load.

Hello. This.

[Anonymous]

If your parents are drowning in medical debt they should file bankruptcy. Your brother helping them out is just prolonging it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s a very hard place for our family to be. My SIL is going back to school for her masters in nursing, which frustrates me because she’s a NURSE but can’t offer to do any caregiving for her own MIL when she’s sick?

Have you asked her to? Maybe she's the type of DIL who thinks she needs to stay in her lane and not butt into her husband's family too much. She may observe the close relationship you have with your mother and think you will be jealous or bitter if she tries to help, that you would find the help intrusive. She could think that taking care of your mother is your territory and doesn't want to impose on that dynamic. This could all just be miscommunication. Ask for her help, she might not know her help is welcome.

Please, the only person the SIL is obligated to care for is her DH (OP's brother) and her own parents. Why must she care for her in-laws? It's not the 18th century anymore and I would be very resentful of a SIL imposing these arcane ideas on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn’t able to work, she hasn’t been working for years so it’s a struggle for my dad to support both of them financially on top of her medical bills. My brother used to pay a lot of their utilities prior to marriage when he wasn’t deployed overseas and lived with them.

I just feel like he got married and everything he helped our parents with went to the wayside and he doesn’t even try anymore.

Wait, your dad is around too? She sounded like an elderly widow in your op. How old are your parents? How old is your brother?

Brother is 36. Father is 62, my mom is 58. SIL is 29.

My parents went through some financial challenges when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40s. She’s been in remission for 6+ years now but she wants to spend as much time with her grandchildren, hence why she offers childcare. I would pay them if I could, but I’m not in a position financially. My brother really helped with some of that burden and was there for my mom all the years she was sick, but now all support has stopped even though the need is still there. My mom has nerve pain and had a stroke during treatment so she’s not 100%.

It’s a very hard place for our family to be. My SIL is going back to school for her masters in nursing, which frustrates me because she’s a NURSE but can’t offer to do any caregiving for her own MIL when she’s sick?

How is it that your mom requires caregiving, yet provides childcare to you?
Sounds like SIL is in school, how can you expect her to give money to your parents?

The need is still there??? OMG, this isn't your BIL's problem. This is more YOUR problem. You leech off your ill mother.

+1

Op is leeching off her mom. If her mom didn't have to pick up the slack after her single-mom-ass, mom could get a side job babysitting and make some money, which apparently they need. Instead, her daughter can't take care of her own kids so mom has to give free childcare even though she has cancer. Tsk tsk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, this is all on your brother. What has *he* done? Talk with *him* about sharing the load.

What SIL did was a nice gesture, and it's not her responsibility to do the care-taking.

Nor should you be mad that he isn't supporting your parents financially anymore--different goals and priorities come with marriage, planning for house, kids all that. It was nice that he did that for a time--assuming it would go on forever, particularly when he was single while doing it, was short-sighted.

Everything this PP said. You may have a legit grievance against your brother, but NOT your SIL. It was kind of her to send flowers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Please, the only person the SIL is obligated to care for is her DH (OP's brother) and her own parents. Why must she care for her in-laws? It's not the 18th century anymore and I would be very resentful of a SIL imposing these arcane ideas on me.

I forgot. In DCUMland everyone hates their ILs and treats them like aliens, not family.

No one said anything about obligation or the SIL HAVING to help care, just that maybe she'd be happy and willing to help if actually invited to help.

[Anonymous]

Not even worth posting your frustrations on this board. People have a dick switch that flips on as soon as the page loads.

[Anonymous]

If your exhusband is on SS disability, then each of your children get monthly checks from SS until they are 18. This is your child support (assuming he’s the father). Are you getting this money?