SIL sucking up to my Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is perhaps the most entitled poster I have come across on this forum.

+1 she is so focused on her brother but doesn't see her own doing.

+1

Worst kind of SIL.

[Anonymous]

She’s fussing over her flowers because she’s not blood related and because it’s an infrequent gesture that requires a show of thanks if minding manners.

I don’t expect my mom to fuss over things I do for her, I do things for her because she’s family. And things aren’t so formal between us that I expect some big show of thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom has frequent hospitalizations for a chronic condition. She was recently admitted and discharged for one night. She is recuperating now and doing much better at home. My brother and SIL never went to see her in the hospital nor did they offer to do anything for her once she got home. My mom is still really independent and does most things except for drive. I’m the one who steps up to help with grocery shopping, house cleaning etc when my Mom is sick yet they have never offered to lift a finger.

I think SIL felt bad because I mentioned to her in passing how busy I was with DD and caretaking, because today she sent flowers to my Mom. But did she offer to actually do anything? No. Of course my Mom fawns over how “nice” her DIL is and keep fussing with the flowers on where to put them.

Prior to my brother marrying my SIL, my brother helped my parents out a lot financially, which has stopped since he got married. He doesn’t help them anymore and it’s hard on them, but they would never mention anything to him about it. I’m not in a position to help them financially, I’m a single mom and don’t receive child support, my mom cares for DS while DD is at school so she helps me a lot.

I’m just frustrated that SIL barely lifts a finger and my mom is over the moon - yet they don’t bother to do anything else to help with what they actually need (help with bills, visiting my mom and taking the load off me).

You should be more frustrated with your brother since it is his mom too. Why do women attack each other and expect more from SIL? I don't think sending flowers is sucking up btw. Maybe they have more expenses and can't afford to help out mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your exhusband is on SS disability, then each of your children get monthly checks from SS until they are 18. This is your child support (assuming he’s the father). Are you getting this money?

+1, this is a good question. Although SSI for a dependent child is often very low.

Op, your kids may be able to receive this benefit, without garnishing their dad's SSI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your exhusband is on SS disability, then each of your children get monthly checks from SS until they are 18. This is your child support (assuming he’s the father). Are you getting this money?

+1, this is a good question. Although SSI for a dependent child is often very low.

Op, your kids may be able to receive this benefit, without garnishing their dad's SSI.

Pp here. Scratch that. I don't think there are SSI benefits for dependents.

[Anonymous]

You could be my SIL! You aren't but you could be.

#1: do the work to get child support. You are literally keeping money from your child. Instead you are draining resources from your parents as they age. And whenever you can, you want to throw it in your brother's face that you DO so much more to help them than he does. You also TAKE SO MUCH MORE.

#2: Find your own babysitter/nanny/childcare and stop relying on your mother.

#3: if you didn't want to be enmeshed daily with your parents, you should have acted like a grown up when you had your child. Instead you acted like a teenager (and still do) and now you are insulted you are still treated like a teenager.

#4: we will not be financially supporting you after your parents are gone, so I hope you are lining your finances for when they can no longer bail you out of every dramatic situation you find yourself in.

[Anonymous]

You’re fixating On the wrong issue

[Anonymous]

OP - can you and your parents merge households so that you can share costs and reduce overhead? It would probably make care for your children easier too.

Do you have a handle on your parent's financial picture? If they are drowning in medical debts bankruptcy may not be a bad idea.

It is not crazy to expect both children to help their parents where they can. OP, i would make sure to have a handle on your parents expenses and income and then have a candid discussion with just your brother about specifics and whether he can help. Leave your SIL out of it.

People on here are really harsh. I can see being frustrated by what you describe.

[Anonymous]

So basically OP you don’t have to help your parents because you chose to create a family you can’t support and have no money. But since your brother started a family but isn’t financially dependent on your parents (I.e. no free childcare) then he is obligated to financially support them?

[Anonymous]

I get it OP, but you have to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - can you and your parents merge households so that you can share costs and reduce overhead? It would probably make care for your children easier too.

Do you have a handle on your parent's financial picture? If they are drowning in medical debts bankruptcy may not be a bad idea.

It is not crazy to expect both children to help their parents where they can. OP, i would make sure to have a handle on your parents expenses and income and then have a candid discussion with just your brother about specifics and whether he can help. Leave your SIL out of it.

People on here are really harsh. I can see being frustrated by what you describe.

I'd be surprised if the OP isn't already living (rent-free) in her parent's home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom isn’t able to work, she hasn’t been working for years so it’s a struggle for my dad to support both of them financially on top of her medical bills. My brother used to pay a lot of their utilities prior to marriage when he wasn’t deployed overseas and lived with them.

I just feel like he got married and everything he helped our parents with went to the wayside and he doesn’t even try anymore.

Wait, your dad is around too? She sounded like an elderly widow in your op. How old are your parents? How old is your brother?

Brother is 36. Father is 62, my mom is 58. SIL is 29.

My parents went through some financial challenges when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in her late 40s. She’s been in remission for 6+ years now but she wants to spend as much time with her grandchildren, hence why she offers childcare. I would pay them if I could, but I’m not in a position financially. My brother really helped with some of that burden and was there for my mom all the years she was sick, but now all support has stopped even though the need is still there. My mom has nerve pain and had a stroke during treatment so she’s not 100%.

It’s a very hard place for our family to be. My SIL is going back to school for her masters in nursing, which frustrates me because she’s a NURSE but can’t offer to do any caregiving for her own MIL when she’s sick?

If your brother did a lot of care taking help for years as you say, he is in no way a slacker.

There’s the reason the financial support stopped. Your SIL is getting her masters. Tuition is very expensive. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - can you and your parents merge households so that you can share costs and reduce overhead? It would probably make care for your children easier too.

Do you have a handle on your parent's financial picture? If they are drowning in medical debts bankruptcy may not be a bad idea.

It is not crazy to expect both children to help their parents where they can. OP, i would make sure to have a handle on your parents expenses and income and then have a candid discussion with just your brother about specifics and whether he can help. Leave your SIL out of it.

People on here are really harsh. I can see being frustrated by what you describe.

I can far more easily see her brother, who supported his parents for years while his sister mooched off of them, being frustrated by his sister calling him out for not doing more while she continues to take advantage of her sick mother to provide free childcare.

[Anonymous]

Relying on handouts from family is not a long-term solution. What would happen if your brother died? If they can’t afford where they live they need to move, possibly to an apartment for low-income seniors. If they can’t afford their medical bills then they need to declare bankruptcy. And they definitely need to not continue to watch your children for free.

[Anonymous]

Jealousy is an ugly trait. SIL felt bad and sent flowers. Quite frankly, you and your family sound like users, so good for your brother that he is trying to build boundaries. I bet he feels extorted for money by you and your parents. He has a wife too now, he probably has more bills than you know about, and it is absolutely great his wife is going for master's degree. That is what people who want to be successful do. Your mom understands that things have changed and is happy to be in his and DIL's lives in any way. You really sound like a horrible SIL and sister. Seek therapy.